Washington, DC – Jubilant tobacco industry lobbyists popped the corks on cases of the latest vintages of Dom Perignon Friday after the U.S. Center for Disease Control (CDC) revealed the failure of smoking cessation efforts among Americans. “We reached our target addiction rate of 92% in 2006,” Camel lobbyist Sherwood Kittleton cheered as he wrapped his tie around his forehead and pounded a shot of tequila. “We know smoking is the number one preventable cause of death. Our job is to do everything we can to prevent people from worrying about it. A terrorist threat here and an O.J trial there and we're in business!” Marlboro salesman Buck Grillo said. “Our goal is to tap the youth market next year. We’re looking in particular at kids ages 3-7. We think there are huge opportunities -- perhaps teaming up with Baby Gap,” Newport lobbyist Judd Urso said. The CDC pledged to continue their fight to reduce smoking despite being outspent 2:1 by the tobacco industry.
2 comments:
I heard the tobacco industry was pretty fired up about their new toys for the upcoming holiday season, Chain Smoking Cookie Monster and Emphysema Elmo.
That sounds exciting. They can have someone in China paint the toys too. Maybe Marlboro will make a new Cabbage "Patch" doll for kids trying to quit.
Andrew
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