BREAKING NEWS: BILL CLINTON SAYS OBAMA OWNED SLAVES

Romney Wins Silver in Badminton

London - Following the South Carolina primary, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney flew to England Monday to compete in the 2012 Summer Olympics qualifying events. He won silver medals in fencing and badminton and a bronze in archery. This brings his medal total, including his primary and caucus finishes, to zero gold, five silver, and nine bronze. "I found one of the shops was running short on strawberries and cream while I was standing on a queue," the former Governor said, "so I called my friend Larry Zsonka in Cheshire and asked him to rush a new shipment. I think it's fair to say that I saved the strawberry and cream industry in England." Romney's daughter Mitt said her father is flying to Indonesia next week to curb the frequency of typhoons. "There is no problem I can't fix," he said. "When we couldn't fit our dog in the car, I strapped him to the roof," Romney said in an attempt to reassure suspicious voters who can't keep up with his vacillating positions. Pundits argue that if Romney finagles his way into the White House, the American people should award him a gold medal in cow dung.