NAACP Asks Nation to Divide Along Racial Lines for Vick Trial

Atlanta, GA - The NAACP issued a statement today asking black and white Americans to stop talking to each other in order to properly prepare for the Michael Vick trial. "It has been more than a decade since our country divided over the O.J. trial and we feel it's time to bring back that visceral racial hatred," Jim Cann, President of the NAACP said. "This has nothing to do with dogs," he added. "It is about other NFL teams wanting to win and framing Michael Vick to do it! If there are dead dogs, they belong to Peyton Manning!" In a public statement delivered from a bomb making factory, PETA President Claire Fortenberry said, "Unless white people buried dead dogs in Mr. Vick's backyard, this is not a racial issue." The black people accusing him of the crime decided not to comment since they already reached plea agreement deals implicating Vick. The NAACP said they could not be bothered with the details of the case and organized a march on Washington to end what they referred to as "the public lynching of a hometown hero". O.J. Simpson has offered to write an "If I Did It" sequel with Vick. From the top of a mountain, Reverend Jesse Jackson added, "Mr. Vick did not do the crime, he will not do the time, this is the work of slime, there will be no fine, we will not pay a dime, and he will sign."

Roberts Overturns Seizure

Rockport, ME - Three hours after suffering a seizure, Chief Justice John Roberts ruled it was unconstitutional on the grounds that he did not authorize it. In a 6-3 decision, Roberts also overturned his 1993 seizure, arguing in the majority opinion that "unlike creationism, it had no known origin and therefore can't be substantiated." Associate Justice John Paul Stevens wrote the dissenting opinion, arguing that "the seizure evolved over time and was likely caused by a disgruntled brain perplexed by the resilience of the Cheney heart." President Bush issued a statement asking everyone to "pray for the speedy recovery of this fine man while his brain goes through this difficult transition." Attorney General Alberto Gonzales thanked the President for his support.

BREAKING NEWS: NASA SELECTS SAM ADAMS, ROBERT MONDAVI, JOHNNIE WALKER, CAPTAIN MORGAN, AND JACK DANIELS TO FLY NEXT SPACE MISSION

BREAKING NEWS: SCOTT BAIO WILL BE 65 AND SINGLE

Gonzo Asks Tammy Faye to Sign Over Make-Up on Death Bed

Portland, OR – Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who is already under investigation for asking former Attorney General John Ashcroft to sign wiretapping papers while he was in a coma, reportedly visited Tammy Faye Messner in the hospital hours before she died of cancer. “He asked her to sign over her make-up collection to him,” Senator Russ Feingold said. “This guy is shameless.” L’Oreal spokeswoman Kitty Cartwright said, “Tammy Faye requested to be buried with all of her make-up on so if Mr. Gonzales wants it, he will have to get in the coffin with her.” In unrelated news, J.K. Rowling wrote a scathing e-mail to Scooter Libby after she discovered he revealed the ending to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows on his blog.

BREAKING NEWS: 98% OF BREAKING NEWS IS NEITHER BREAKING NOR NEWS

BREAKING NEWS: HEART ATTACKS LEADING CAUSE OF STRESS

Homeland Security Announces Greyhound Terror Hunch

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced new measures today to prevent what he described as a “telepathic feeling” that several Greyhound buses are going to explode, killing more than 73 people, and grievously wounding 12 more. Insisting we learn the lessons of September 16th, when he forgot his wife’s birthday, Chertoff enumerated a new list of boarding policies based on a 1933 Gestapo “Best Practices” handbook found lying behind a Jackson Pollock at a garage sale in Jasper, Texas. Chertoff admitted he did not have any specific intelligence, something his mother has been telling him since he cut his younger brother’s hair with a Black & Decker weed wacker. His announcement, however, caused more than 12,000 seniors at a retirement community in Florida to soil their pants.

Drivers will now be required to kick passengers’ luggage and bounce it on their heads to show support for David Beckham. They’ll also be required to stand in the rain to simulate queuing at Wimbledon and abstain from brushing their teeth. These measures are all intended to show our shared interests with England and persuade them to leave all 41 of their troops in Iraq until 2089 and remain our ally in the War on Building Terror. In addition, Homeland Security is requiring each passenger to wear a “W” t-shirt. Meat cleavers, cattle prods, and Chinese stars must be safely secured in overhead compartments and passengers must prove they don’t have any Dixie Chicks’ songs on their iPods.

Will travelers choose to skateboard instead? In a recent survey conducted by someone who was able to discard the bad surveys, only 56% of passengers said they would rather drown themselves than ride a Greyhound bus, a 2% decrease from last year.

Ironically, Secretary Chertoff’s fear mongering proved correct. Witnesses at Cracker Barrels at Exits 53, 54, and 55 reported hearing gunshots and later stated they found holes in some of their cheese. Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was arrested for shooting four of the greyhounds and will be arraigned tomorrow if the Falcons owner can find another quarterback.

BREAKING NEWS: NEW STUDY PROVES NO DISCERNIBLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GIVING 110% AND 150%

BREAKING NEWS: BUSH COLON EXAM REVEALS STICK

New Sunday School Curriculum Teaches Students Martial Arts to Defend Themselves Against Deviant Priests

Boston, MA - Priest Donald Cummings announced today that nuns will begin teaching students self-defense in lieu of piety and righteousness to protect themselves against unsolicited sexual advances from deviant priests in the Catholic Church. Jock straps will be optional.

BREAKING NEWS: CHENEY SEALS WHITE HOUSE BATHROOM; BULGARIAN PRIME MINISTER WETS PANTS

Lieberman Declares He Is No Longer a Vegetarian

Hartford, CT – After being spotted at Jackson’s Steakhouse eating filet mignon with Republican Senator Lindsey Graham, Independent Senator Joe “Mentum” Lieberman announced that he no longer eats anything green. “Meat only for this gun owner and lifelong hunter,” the one time Democrat and Vice-Presidential nominee said. Lieberman also disclosed that he no longer believes G-d promised Abraham the land of Israel or that fanny packs are necessary. Later that evening, Lieberman stated that he is no longer married and joined a group of lobbyists at The Cheetah for a lap dance.

Governor Encourages Florida Residents to Panic Now for Hurricane Season

Tallahassee, FL – Florida Governor Charlie Crist informed millions of consistently naïve and unprepared Floridians Monday that they should begin their annual pilgrimage of panic immediately. “We would like everyone to know that our weather forecasters are predicting 74 named storms this season,” Crist said, as he coiffed his hair. “Radio station 93 K-Rock is holding a contest to see if you can guess the names of all 74. The winner will receive a free day pass to Disneyworld!” he added. Florida residents heard the news and started screaming. A family in Little Havana began singing "La Vida Loca" and threw their children out the window. “How will I guess so many names?” Rodrigo Escobar of Opa Locka asked his eleven sons. Millions of citizens made spur of the moment decisions to wait as long as humanly possible to act, preparing to stand on gas lines and crash carts in the aisles of Publix to buy water and saltines they could have bought in May. “Irving, don’t you think you should get off the couch and call somebody about the shutters,” Frieda Zigelbaum of Tamarac asked her sleeping husband. “Enough with the damn shutters already,” he replied. “Do you think we should get a flashlight?” David Falcone of Coral Springs asked his mother. “What do you think I do all day? Sit home and watch television? Who do you think cleans the bathroom? If the lights go out, maybe I’ll get some sleep for once in my life” his mother replied. “Should we fill up a container with gasoline?” Neil Lasner of Miami Beach asked his wife. “And set the house on fire? Are you trying to blow us all up?” his wife asked. In a letter to the Governor, Florida residents pledged to do as little as possible as the 38th consecutive life threatening hurricane season approached. Insurance company executives began popping Zanex and Vicodin when they received the news. President Bush pledged support in the event of a natural disaster and asked the new FEMA Director, Napolean Dynamite, to be ready to tour the ravaged area.

Beckham Scores 14 Goals in U.S. Soccer Debut

Los Angeles, CA - International soccer star David Beckham displayed his goal scoring prowess Saturday at The Coliseum when he scored a record 14 goals to lead his team to a 14-0 victory over the Dallas Lonestars, who forfeited the match a day earlier citing an inability to field a team. No fans attended the match, however, a stadium vendor said that he did see someone on the field kicking a white ball. "Are the Raiders playing today?" a maintenance worker asked. Beckham's wife, Spice Girl Victoria Posh-Beckham, said she planned on posing for photographers after the game. Beckham plays his next match against the Newark Shotguns but nobody is expected to care.

McCain Announces 2012 Bid for White House

Phoenix, AZ – Sensing an end to his run for the White House in 2008, Senator John McCain announced today that he plans on running for President in 2012. After a CNN/USA Today poll revealed only 12% of Americans would support a McCain 2012 candidacy, McCain said he would not rule out running in 2016. McCain is scheduled to appear on Law & Order next month and continues to pray for a devastating terrorist attack in Arizona or an end to the normalization of relations with Vietnam. President Bush sought to console McCain with a hug and later gave him a massage on AirForce One. In exchange, McCain drew letters on Bush's back with his finger and asked him to guess what words he was spelling.

BREAKING NEWS: 68% OF STUDENTS REPORT COPYING HOMEWORK SAVES VALUABLE TIME

Defective Pool Drain Sucks Family Into Ground

Charlotte, NC – A police report filed Thursday indicates that the entire Bergamo family of 17322 Kensington Lane was sucked into the ground while playing a game of Marco Polo in their pool. “All we found was a raft,” police officer Tony Bonacci said. “We tried yelling Marco but there was no reply.” AAA All About Pools and Excavation, the drain manufacturer, said they plan on developing drain covers and offered to dig up the family at no additional cost.

BREAKING NEWS: HOUSE DEMOCRATS ARE FURIOUS; PLEDGE CONTINUED ANGER

Dallas Man Sues McDonald's for Making Him Lose Weight

Dallas, TX – Baseball card dealer Joey Paterno announced to a group of 14 year old kids at a baseball card show that he is suing McDonald's for $40 million for making him lose weight. Paterno alleges there is nothing bad left on the menu and the fast food chain has forced him to eat salads. “They’re using low fat cheese on the cheeseburgers. I'm starving,” Paterno said. McDonald's pledged to continue using discarded rubber tires and other recyclables in their McNuggets as part of their “Green Initiative” but said they had no plans to stop offering healthy alternatives. Wall Street Analysts predict the company will have a hard time surviving in the United States given Americans’ penchant for high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, and other saturated fats.

Vietnam Vets Resent Iraq Comparison

Washington, DC – The Vietnam Veterans of America (VVA) issued a statement today denouncing comparisons of Vietnam to Iraq. “We resent the parallels being drawn,” a VVA spokesman said. “Our mission had a greater purpose. We fought a guerilla war with the Viet Cong to save the Republic of Vietnam from invasion. These guys are just being asked to police a civil war born out of false intelligence. Stop comparing us,” he demanded. President Bush agreed that the wars are very different. “I dodged Vietnam,” he chortled, “and this time, I am fighting in it head on like a video game.” Despite the comparisons, Army recruitments rose 100% in June, when they recuited two vagabonds in Nebraska.

Chertoff Expresses "Gut Feeling" Blueberries Going on Sale

Washington, DC – U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff told an exhausted American public Tuesday that he has a “gut feeling” that we’re all going to be attacked by terrorists and die. Chertoff admitted that he didn’t have any specific intelligence, something his mother has told him for years, but thought it was time to scare the crap out of all the old people in the country. On Thursday, Chertoff backed off his terrorism prediction and said he has a "gut feeling" that blueberries may be coming down in price. “I’ve been paying about $3.99 for a small pack and people haven’t been buying them. I think a surplus is on the horizon and we could see two for $5.00 within a month. Watch out oatmeal...here come the berries!” he said, as protesters burned him in effigy outside the White House. Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales threatened to fire the manager of the Watergate Safeway if he did not make Chertoff’s prediction come true.

BREAKING NEWS: HALLIBURTON SIGNS $14 MILLION CONTRACT TO REBUILD SCOOTER LIBBY'S REPUTATION

University of Michigan Study Reveals Vast Expanse in Bush Brain

Ann Arbor, MI – Researchers from the University of Michigan reported their findings today from a 30-minute study of President Bush’s brain. “We found enormous open spaces,” surgeon Gabe Birbrower said. “I felt like Captain Smith landing in Jamestown." Politicians and corporate America didn’t waste time weighing in with their suggestions to use the uncharted territory. Housing and Urban Development Secretary Gray Stevens suggested construction of sprawling mansions for Bush cronies. Former First Lady Barbara Bush suggested the Hurricane Katrina victims might be “better off” living in the Bush brain. Oracle CEO Larry Ellison offered to sail his 452 ft. luxury yacht, Rising Sun, through the Bush brain. Paris Hilton offered to throw a party for her friends in it, O.J. Simpson suggested making it into a golf course, and Dennis Miller said something nobody understood. Vice President Cheney demanded President Bush’s brain be sealed immediately, then stood on his head, and flew into a cave.

Webster Files Motion to Remove "So-Called" From His Dictionary

Washington, DC – Lexicographer Noah Webster is suing CNN for hackneying the expression “so-called” and filed a motion in federal court today to require publisher Ballantine Books to remove it from his dictionary. In a recent segment on the War in Iraq, CNN reporter Jamie McIntyre said the “so called” surge is not showing much progress, however, he insisted the U.S. military has been planning a more aggressive strategy inside the “so-called” green zone. He added that the “so-called” sleeper cells appear to be propping up “so-called” insurgents in the “so-called” civil war. McIntyre said it remains unknown what our “so-called” President will do next. Judge Larry Seidlin issued a summary judgment in favor of the defendant. He cited that there is no evidence President Bush has performed any of the “so called” duties of a president and therefore, the defendant was justified in calling him a “so-called” President. In reference to the war, Seidlin stated that politicians should heed the advice of the “so-called” Iraq Study Group and start planning a “so-called” exit strategy before our “so-called” democracy winds up in a “so called” world war. The “so-called” judge then ruled the court was in recess.

Camp Counselor Weird for Second Straight Summer

Marshalls Creek, PA – A group of campers in Bunk 13 at Pocono Highlands Camp reported to the Camp Director, Murray Weinberg, that their counselor Alex is still weird. “He was really strange when we had him last summer and he’s still freaking us out,” camper Luke Bertolli said. “Yeah, something is wrong with that guy,” camper Noah Lapin added. According to the campers, Alex hangs out in the bowling alley with Al from maintenance, sniffs his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and likes to talk to kids through the volleyball net and pretend he’s in jail. The campers’ parents were unaware of the counselor’s activities. The Camp Director said he has no plans to do anything or tell anyone unless someone falls.

Employee Left Out of the Loop Again

Boulder, CO - Deb Whitting, a data processor at snack food company Hain-Celestial Group, Inc., doesn’t know what’s going on again. This is the third time this week Deb has not received any information. On Monday, she was the last person to learn that Erika from finance is three months pregnant, and Tuesday she found out Bob from shipping was fired last week for opening a package. Deb entered the employee lounge this morning for a cup of coffee when she learned that Ed, the office manager, eliminated free coffee for employees in the new budget. Some of her co-workers had already established a coffee pool when the cut was announced but she was unaware of it. It is unclear if anybody plans on telling Deb about the upcoming holiday party.

New Jersey Guy Cuts Stay Short at Extended Stay America

Sunrise, FL – Jon Frieberg, a Holmes Oscillating Fan salesman from Teaneck, New Jersey, caused an uproar in the lobby of the Extended Stay America on I-95 south of Hillsboro Boulevard when he refused to extend his stay another month. “You have to stay,” Ignez Garcia, the hotel desk clerk said as she wrapped her arms around Frieberg’s left leg. Other paying customers came out of their hotel rooms in their ESA robes and slippers and wanted to know why Frieberg was leaving. “Where’s he going?” Paul Sheer, a Dun & Bradstreet executive asked. “Yeah, where’s he going?” Erik Wagner, a Wheels & Wheels magazine contributing writer insisted. Frieberg said he would stay for one more buffet style breakfast and then he would be heading down to Key West to sell more fans. “I’m not going to be able to clean out the waffle maker anymore,” he added.

P. Diddy Inks MTV Deal to Manage Another Hitless Band

Manhattan, NY - Sean “Puffy, P. Diddy, Puff, Daddy, Diddy” Combs announced today that he is working on putting together yet another group of talentless singers for Making the Band 5. “I did it with Dannity Kane,” the music mogul bragged. "I'm on my way to becoming the master of building false hopes for music fans that they'll actually have something to buy on iTunes," he added, as he sprayed reporters with Diddy, his newest men's cologne. Combs hoped to advertise the show in Times Square until he realized he's already on every billboard in New York. Thousands of American Idol rejects lined up for auditions. The winners will receive a lifetime supply of delusions of grandeur, a Notorious B.I.G. keychain, and some cheesecake. After completing a promo for the show, P. Diddy put on a two button black pinstripe wool suit and went to bed.

Robin Williams Stars in Three Awful Movies Simultaneously

Hollywood, CA – Robin Williams rushed a third horrible movie out of production and into theatres Friday. RV and Death to Smoochy will be joined shortly by The Krazees. The movie marks Williams’ 84th film. The actor, best known for his role as an alien on the popular 1970's sit-com Mork and Mindy, insists he will not stop making stupid movies until he breaks Hank Aaron’s record. “I’m trying to ruin my career,” Williams admitted. “If I keep going, people will forget I ever made Dead Poet’s Society, Awakenings, and Aladdin.” Last week, Hollywood Director Jerry Bruckheimer contacted Williams to see if he might be interested in starring in a new blockbuster with Nicolas Cage, Tara Reid, Madonna, Adam Sandler, and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Williams agreed but insisted that Keanu Reeves also join the cast. Film critic Roger Ebert predicted the movie has the potential to make Ishtar look like Citizen Kane.

L.A. Fitness Member Insists He Will Continue Daydreaming

Deerfield Beach, FL – Barry McCracken has been a member of L.A. Fitness for three months. During that time, he gained 12 pounds, which is six pounds short of his goal. Gym trainers and members have observed McCracken sitting on equipment for extended periods of time without exercising. “I took a spinning class last week and never even pedaled,” McCracken gleefully admitted. “Yesterday, I sat on the sit-up bench for a half-hour before some lady dressed like Bette Midler in Ruthless People asked me to move,” he added. Several members have complained that McCracken is hogging machines and causing them to lose motivation. “I’m not going anywhere until I reach my target weight gain. I’ve got stuff to think about anyway,” McCracken said.

Clinton Slams Bush for Copying Him

Miami, FL – Former President Bill Clinton excoriated President Bush for commuting the sentence of convicted felon Lewis “Scooter” Libby, insisting “the current administration has no respect for the rule of law.” Clinton later retracted his statement when he remembered he also committed perjury and pardoned bank robbers, child pornographers, terrorists, money launderers, tax evaders, cocaine traffickers, and other fugitives on his last day in office. Senator Hillary Clinton, who is trying to become the coldest and most calculating person ever to be elected President, shrugged off the controversy and reminded an audience of 12 unenthusiastic supporters that it’s “time for a change in Washington.” It is unclear if she was referring to President Bush or her husband.

Stallone to Fight Judi Dench in Rocky VII

Philadelphia, PA – From the famed steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, a freshly botoxed Sylvester Stallone announced an agreement to fight 73 year old actress Judi Dench in another installment of the Rocky series. Dench tried running up the steps with Stallone but collapsed and was transported to Jefferson Memorial Hospital. It is unknown if she will return to the set for filming. Stallone, who turns 92 in August, said he would agree to fight Liza Minnelli if Dench is unable to make a comeback. In unrelated news, a sniper was arrested Tuesday for shooting two middle aged men who were running up the museum steps with their arms above their heads singing “Gonna Fly Now”.

Washington Regrets Revolution

Boston, MA – In his first interview since the Patriots final victory against the British in South Carolina along the Combahee River, General George Washington expressed remorse for fighting the American Revolution. “I always believed the leaders of our country would follow the Constitution. I guess I should have told the minutemen to ignore the first shot at Lexington,” he said. President Bush praised Washington for his valor. “He had the courage to bring a baseball team to this great city and give them the ‘W’ logo," Bush said. The President subsequently commuted the prison sentence of convicted felon Scooter Libby, filed a motion to seal all of Vice-President Cheney’s criminal activities, signed off on the torture of Guantanamo Bay prisoners, authorized the wiretapping of an additional three million Americans, and agreed to a ban on Karl Rove dancing.

Dog Sniffs into Record Books

Potomac, MD - Sushi, a Yorkshire Terrier, shattered the record for most sniffs on a walk today, sniffing more than 21,000 blades of grass before going to the bathroom. "I wanted to kill him," his owner said of the record. The sniffing included a dead lizard, bird droppings, an ant hill, dead worms, a fallen branch, two fire hydrants, and previous work from other dogs. Sushi replaces Marshmellow, a Bedlington Terrier, who previously sniffed a reported 19,084 blades of grass, 13 bushes, a light post, and an empty McDonald's bag, making her owner 30 minutes late to work in the process. Last year, Sushi attempted to break the record for most consecutive barks when someone knocked on the door but fell short of the longstanding 462 mark set by Jake, a Poodle in Michigan, when he paused to lick himself.

CNN Covers News

Atlanta, GA - CNN broke away from their wall to wall coverage of Anna Nicole Smith today for a 40 second report on the Hamas defeat of Fatah and subsequent takeover of Gaza. It remains unknown what caused the sudden coverage of news; however, the self-described news station quickly returned to a story about Nicole Richie's pregnancy.

Florida Students Reportedly Learning Something

Tallahassee, FL – Florida Legislators celebrated record improvements in the rating of Florida schools following a report which revealed every student in Florida is most likely possibly learning something. Results indicate virtually every school is now doing a perfect job educating their students. In Polk County, for example, more than 92% of students indicated they now consider themselves expert scantron bubblers. “I can bubble in my name a lot faster than I did last year because we practice it every week,” said an eighth grade student. “In my history class, we drew maps of the hallways and figured out safe routes to walk to class to avoid getting beat up. It's just like the explorers,” another student added. “We’ve moved up to 48th in the country in SAT scores and 49th in high school graduation rates. Take that Mississippi!” Governor Crist beamed. It remains unclear what students are learning but it’s definitely something. In a recent poll, 54% of Florida middle school students identified the alligator as the national bird. This is down from 56% last year. Wauchula Police Chief Michael Doodledoo has hired Inspector Cluso to find out what the students are learning, how they’re learning it, and what exactly they’ll do with it. Early clues point to a generation of students prepared to enter the workforce and obtain jobs as professional test takers.

Irate Man Defeats Soda Machine in Six Rounds

Boca Raton, FL – 911 received a call Tuesday that a man needed medical assistance at Dupont Apartments. When paramedics arrived on the scene, they found resident Terry Burke with his leg caught in a soda machine in the building lobby. Residents reported they witnessed Terry put three dollar bills in the soda machine. When the machine spit back one bill and ate the other two, he shook it, kicked it, pushed it, punched it, and collapsed into a cursing frenzy. “He just lost it,” a frightened neighbor said. "He kept screaming for a Diet Coke.” Burke suffered minor abrasions on his leg and knuckles. The soda machine was taken to the nearest repair shop where it underwent surgery for a new front window and dollar processor. Neither contender would say if there would be a rematch. Police records indicate this is the second time Burke has had an altercation with a drink dispenser. In July, he was charged with aggravated assault for putting his fist through the coffee machine on the sixth floor of Jackson Memorial Hospital.

E.T. Late to 25th Anniversary Reunion

Hamptons, NY – Hollywood Director Steven Spielberg hosted Elliot, Michael, Gertie and 400 of his closest friends at his house Saturday to celebrate the 25th anniversary of E.T. The Extraterrestrial. Guests included John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Jimmy Carter, Jackie Gleason, John Lennon, and Christopher Columbus. E.T., who currently lives three million light years from the Spielberg mansion, was three hours late to the party. “He has always operated on his own time schedule,” Spielberg explained to the paparazzi in his trees. “He said he would have called but he was out of minutes. I understand T-Mobile offered him a bag of Reese’s Pieces to switch carriers,” he added. President Bush sent his congratulations in a statement from the White House and reminded Spielberg that he hasn’t been in the water ever since he saw the movie.

Bin Laden Asks If It's Safe to Come Out Now

Kabul, Afghanistan – Forgotten terrorist Osama Bin Laden released a video on YouTube today during which he asks if anybody is still looking for him. President Bush said he had not seen the video but admitted to “watching a funny clip on YouTube last night where a chihuahua attacks a vacuum cleaner.” Bush, who was recently offered the lead role in Mission Impossible IV, leaves for Maine tomorrow to fish with Russian President Putin before the KGB poisons and buries him at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. “I have not seen any U.S. troops near my cave for several years. Am I free to go now?” Bin Laden asks on his MySpace blog. The lanky Afghan lists himself as single, armed, and bearded in his profile but states he is not looking for a serious relationship at this time. His buddy list includes Bagram, Faizabad, Nawzad, Kushka, Qalat, and Zaranj.

Rogue iPhone Calls for Iraq Withdrawal

Cupertino, CA – In a scene reminiscent of the movie War Games, the Department of Homeland Security reported receiving an anonymous call from an unsold iPhone demanding an end to the American occupation of Iraq. “We traced the call to a store in Glendale, Wisconsin. When we found the phone, it was in in its original packaging,” said a seething Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff. “Apparently, it called us on its own.” The iPhone was detained for questioning. “We’re sending it to Guantanamo Bay where Vice-President Cheney will personally torture it,” an incensed Chertoff added. President Bush raised the terror alert level to “Suicide Red” in case other phones refuse to drop their calls for a change in his policy.

Romney Leaves Wife Hanging

Boston, MA - Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney, who has come under scrutiny for driving 11 hours from Boston to Ontario with his dog Seamus strapped to the roof of his car, recently duct taped his wife Ann to the wing of a Boeing 737. "We had the choice to fly standby or find our own solution. There was one seat on the plane so I asked Ann if she would mind riding on the spoiler," Romney explained at a press conference. Ann, who was pelted by a flock of seagulls on takeoff, was not permitted to comment.