BREAKING NEWS: BANGLADESH CYCLONE KILLS 10,000, ONE MILLION HOMELESS; BUSH OFFERS TO SEND LEFTOVER CHIPS AND SALSA FROM SUNDAY'S COWBOYS-REDSKINS GAME

Clinton Cackle Coos Crowd

Las Vegas, NV - Presidential candidate Barack Obama screamed “Ouch!” during a debate Thursday night after Hillary Clinton put him on her lap and spanked him like a meandering 10 year old. “She really hurt me,” Obama said after taking all three hours of the debate to answer a question about driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants. “It was like watching George Bush try to solve a New York Times crossword puzzle,” said Cody Barker, managing editor of The Pretzel.” It looked like 9/11 out there,” Republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani said. Meanwhile, Clinton continues to ascend in the polls. In a recent survey, only 74% of Americans now believe that it is only “very probable” that you can see right through Senator Clinton if you hold her up to the light. During the debate, Clinton laughed so hard, she fell off the stage and into the lap of audience member Valerie Plame Wilson, where she continued to avoid enumerating her positions. Wilson said she could not comment on the fall because she is currently working undercover for Ballantine Books. The candidates will debate in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Florida tomorrow. Obama was taken to an undisclosed Las Vegas hospital after the debate, where he met Elizabeth Taylor.

BREAKING NEWS: HOLLYWOOD WRITERS STRIKE; ACTORS UNABLE TO THINK OF A RESPONSE

America Honors Veterans

Boca Raton, FL – Americans flocked to local malls Monday to honor World War II, Vietnam, and other veterans who risked their lives to protect and defend their country. Macy’s led off the celebration by offering 50% off Tommy Hilfiger, Calvin Klein, and Perry Ellis ties. Not to be outdone, Bath and Body Works offered a buy two, get one free special on its signature collection of warm vanilla sugar, cherry blossom, and coconut lime verbena bubble baths. While Burberry refused to offer a sale, the Burberry outlet in the Sawgrass Mills Mall offered select customers a free Burberry umbrella with a minimum purchase of $200. “Our sales send a clear message that we support our troops and honor the sacrifices of those who have given their lives,” said Pottery Barn Store Manager Mindy Lenson, who reminded Pretzel reporter Sushi Ascano that the store is offering 20% off floor lamps and wall sconces. A group of male patrons dining on chicken fried rice in the food court suggested erecting a Victoria’s Secret model statue in front of the mall to salute "the most important freedoms" our troops protect. President Bush visited the Tomb of the Unknown where he said he would honor the memory of King Tut.

BREAKING NEWS: DNC ORDERS 50 MILLION GAS MASKS TO ENABLE DEMOCRATS TO VOTE FOR HILLARY CLINTON

Piece of Junk Mail Almost Worth Opening

Orlando, FL – A resident of BriarWoods Apartments almost opened a piece of junk mail Monday after seeing the words “Important Account Information Enclosed” and "Final Notice" on the envelope. Several residents have reported the temptation to open their mail recently. “I never know if it’s a new credit card or something from my bank. Whenever I open it, I always get fooled so I just throw everything away,” the resident said. A recent study by students at Appalachian State University revealed that they were unable to conduct a study because they were too busy opening junk mail.

Dinner Guests Survive Unsolicited Tour of House

Buckhead, GA – Fred and Yani Mitchell were found in their bed Monday morning clinging to life after surviving a seemingly endless tour of their friend Kitti Dornfeld’s new house. “We couldn’t get up for work,” Fred said, as he reassured his worried family who arrived on the scene with the police that they were all right. When the couple accepted an invitation for dinner with their old neighbors, they had no idea it would include a 40 minute tour of their new home. “When Kitti asked me if I wanted to see the house, I told her it wasn’t necessary but she said I had to see it. Looking inside the closet was bad enough; I almost died when she made me guess how much she paid for her couches and asked me to sit on her new toilet seat,” a withdrawn Yani told Pretzel reporter Biff Barker. “When we finally sat down for dinner, she made me get up to look at some shelves her husband had just installed in the garage.” Police visited the Dornfeld’s home to instruct the couple to stop giving tours. Kitti invited the police officers inside for some coffee and asked them if they wanted to see her new patio furniture and meet her in-laws and children.

BREAKING NEWS: DOG CHAPMAN’S SON TURNS IN GIRLFRIEND FOR EATING CARAMELS FROM GROCERY STORE CANDY BIN WITHOUT PAYING

Something Bad Happening in Pakistan

Tucson, AZ – At Bru’s Room Bar & Grill, where drinks are 50% off until 6:00 pm, a group of coworkers from Comcast Cable were talking about something really bad happening in Pakistan. “All I know is that it’s a mess,” one guy said. "All the places in Africa have problems like that," he added. “Yeah, Bush told Mushroff to take off his uniform. I guess he was challenging him to a fight,” another guy said. “I saw a bunch of people waving guns and shooting in the air. We should just drop a bomb on them," he added. After happy hour ended, the guys pledged to get together for the Giants-Cowboys game Sunday.

Tobacco Industry Toasts Top Ranking

Washington, DC – Jubilant tobacco industry lobbyists popped the corks on cases of the latest vintages of Dom Perignon Friday after the U.S. Center for Disease Control (CDC) revealed the failure of smoking cessation efforts among Americans. “We reached our target addiction rate of 92% in 2006,” Camel lobbyist Sherwood Kittleton cheered as he wrapped his tie around his forehead and pounded a shot of tequila. “We know smoking is the number one preventable cause of death. Our job is to do everything we can to prevent people from worrying about it. A terrorist threat here and an O.J trial there and we're in business!” Marlboro salesman Buck Grillo said. “Our goal is to tap the youth market next year. We’re looking in particular at kids ages 3-7. We think there are huge opportunities -- perhaps teaming up with Baby Gap,” Newport lobbyist Judd Urso said. The CDC pledged to continue their fight to reduce smoking despite being outspent 2:1 by the tobacco industry.

Oversized Sunglasses Cult Overthrows Government

Washington, D.C. – A band of desperate teenage girls from Malibu seized control of the American government today after storming the White House. The national debt doubled within the first hour of their reign as they began ordering clothes from the basement of the Bureau of Printing and Engraving and demanded Congress pass a 28th Amendment extending mall operation hours nationwide. It is the first American coup since angry southerners refused to buy Dixie Chicks albums. The militia was carrying Louis Vuitton handbags and wearing 7 for All Mankind jeans, Manolos, OPI nail lacquer, and oversized Gucci sunglasses. A sniper on the roof reported that one of the girls may have also been wearing Tracie Martyn skin care products. White House intern Jimmy Scott donned a pair of oversized sunglasses to infiltrate the gang but was later found tied to the Lincoln bed with a Ferragamo belt. The S.W.A.T. team began negotiations with the clan, who demanded $100 million in Tiffany’s gift certificates and tickets to the priemiere of Mean Girls II. The standoff ended when one of the girls broke a nail in the Oval Office and couldn't hold out any longer. “I need nail glue,” she cried, as she was taken away in handcuffs in the Rose Garden. President Bush later said the incident underscored the severity of the ongoing war on terror and ordered the Secretary of Defense to bomb Bloomingdales.

Grandparent Conversation Reveals Consistency of Weather

Peekskill, NY - Sixteen year-old Jacob Cantor called his grandmother Frieda in Port St. Lucie, Florida Thursday after his mother reminded him for the “thousandth time”. After she asked him how school was going, Frieda told her grandson that it has been “humid lately” and “raining a lot in the afternoons”. Jacob told her that it was “cloudy” today in Peekskill and that it's supposed to get cold tonight. Following an awkward silence, his grandmother replied that “it’s just very humid and rainy here”. When Jacob asked his grandmother if she had any plans for the weekend, she replied that it was “too humid and rainy to go outside”.

New Jersey Woman Runs Three Minute Mile After Putting “Best Song Ever” on iPod

Teaneck, NJ – A housewife and mother of two cats ran a 3:07 mile around the Teaneck High School track this morning after adding Kanye West’s new song Champion to her iPod. “My previous best time was 8:45, which I ran after I added Seal’s Amazing and Trick Daddy’s Bet That” she said. “The Kanye song really made me go fast. I've listened to it a bunch of times now so I am starting to slow down,” she added. The woman would not predict if she would be able to break her record setting pace, however, she did mention that she is looking forward to the release of Dr. Dre's new album in December.