BREAKING NEWS: BILL CLINTON SAYS OBAMA OWNED SLAVES

Romney Wins Silver in Badminton

London - Following the South Carolina primary, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney flew to England Monday to compete in the 2012 Summer Olympics qualifying events. He won silver medals in fencing and badminton and a bronze in archery. This brings his medal total, including his primary and caucus finishes, to zero gold, five silver, and nine bronze. "I found one of the shops was running short on strawberries and cream while I was standing on a queue," the former Governor said, "so I called my friend Larry Zsonka in Cheshire and asked him to rush a new shipment. I think it's fair to say that I saved the strawberry and cream industry in England." Romney's daughter Mitt said her father is flying to Indonesia next week to curb the frequency of typhoons. "There is no problem I can't fix," he said. "When we couldn't fit our dog in the car, I strapped him to the roof," Romney said in an attempt to reassure suspicious voters who can't keep up with his vacillating positions. Pundits argue that if Romney finagles his way into the White House, the American people should award him a gold medal in cow dung.

Dean Holds Meeting to Slow Down Momentum

Washington, DC - Democratic National Committee Chair and former presidential candidate Howard Dean announced today that all of the candidates will convene a meeting at Independence Hall in Philadelphia the day before the Iowa caucus. "The prospect for victory looks too bright," Dean admitted. "We need a cataclysmic error in judgement to slow our chances down -- perhaps put Hillary Clinton in an F-16 Fighting Falcon Multi-Role Fighter Aircraft or tell a stem cell joke." Joe Biden offered to plagiarize Alexis de Toqueville and Dennis Kucinich said his wife would consider pole dancing. "We'll think of something -- you know you can count on us to bungle it in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Florida, Ohio, yeeeeee-hawww!!" Dean assured writers at http://www.humor-blogs.com/

Romney Recalls Rosa Ride

Braintree, MA - In a podcast in front of a fireplace from his living room, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney reminisced about the time he rode a bus with Rosa Parks in Selma, Alabama. "She was black," Romney recalled, "and she wanted to sit next to me. I realized then that there was something kinetic about my personality so I decided to open an office supply store." This is not the first time Romney has made a Forest Gumpian claim. In December, he recalled his father marching with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and then recanted the statement admitting that he was speaking figuratively. Last year, Romney suggested that he, not Neil Armstrong, took the first step on the moon and vaguely recalls requesting the Texas School Book Depository be locked November 22, 1963.

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Editor's Note: In 2005, Romney claimed to be #1 on www.humor-blogs.com

Pakistan Rejects U.S. Offer to Run Pakistan

Islamabad, Pakistan - Pakistan President Perez Musharraf soundly rejected President Bush's offer to lead the investigation into the assassination of former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto Friday. Bush, while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms in the Oval Office, countered the rejection by offering to send Musharraf a copy of the South Beach Diet and The Perfect Push-Up - As Seen on TV! "Somebody please tell me what is wrong with that man," Musharaff pleaded. "If your former President, Bill Clinton, was shot, would you expect Pakistan to lead the investigation? We have 160 million people in our country -- we've got it covered, but thanks," he added. President Bush declined to comment on reports that he thinks the rest of the world can't survive without him. A White House insider also leaked that Bush requested $200 billion for the FY 08 budget to initiate a U.S. Department of World's Policemen but dropped the plan after Dick Cheney agreed to do it himself. "This is World War III," Bush said, in an effort to calm tensions in the region. "The folks who shot Bhutto make it clear to everyone that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction," he added.

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Editor's Note: President Bush offered to write a column for humor-blogs.com but was rejected.

San Francisco Zoo Simulates Jungle

San Francisco, CA - Visitors to the San Francisco Zoo were treated to real world conditions in the Nepal rainforest after a Bengal tiger jumped over a fence and began mauling them. "We constructed the tiger's fence four feet lower than industry standards to provide tourists the added risk of actually being in the wild," zookeeper Tucker Gowdy said, refusing to comment on the three people who were eaten by one of the tigers at the Rainforest Cafe Tuesday. "We've also decided to leave the lids off the Black Widow spider cages and we're opening a new exhibit next month that will provide visitors the opportunity to swim with red piranha from the Amazon River." Last year, the zoo was cited 18 times for failing to keep visitors safe. "One woman lost part of her foot at the alligator exhibit," Gowdy explained, "but it was her choice to walk the balance beam." Zoo patrons' reaction to being eaten alive was mixed. "What are the odds that you'll actually die?" asked Bill Greely, visiting from Colorado with his wife and three kids.

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Editor's Note: The staff at www.humor-blogs.com was planning a retreat at the San Francisco Zoo in February. The event will take place as scheduled.

BREAKING NEWS: HOLIDAY SHOPPERS ENTER MALLS; ENDLESS ANALYSIS OF SALES FIGURES TO FOLLOW; PREPARE FOR COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF MEANINGLESS INFORMATION

Romney Challenges Huckabee to Burr-Hamilton Duel

Weehawken, NJ - According to the Washington punditry, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney may not have lost the Iowa primary yet but he may have lost his mind. Ever since the Concord Monitor published its article "Anyone But Romney" likening a Romney administration to an anesthesia-free enema, the former governor has been gassy mad. A trucker on the New Jersey turnpike called 911 Tuesday night to report what looked like Mitt Romney firing a revolver in the air on a hill in Weehawken, the site of the infamous Burr-Hamilton duel. He was heard screaming, "Let's settle this like men Huckaboom!" Recent reports in the Iowa Register reveal that Romney spent 38 million dollars in Iowa while former Arkansas Governor Mike Hukabee has spent only nine dollars. "I bought some pancakes at Charlie's Famous Pancake House," Huckabee admitted, his dimples bursting in air. "The nine dollars included the tip," he added, as he hammered campaign yard signs in the shape of crosses into people's lawns. When Huckabee heard that Romney was waiting for him on a hill in Weehawken, he sent campaign volunteer Chuck Norris to respond to Romney's request.

Santa Suffers Buyer's Remorse

North Pole - Father Christmas has endured chimney jokes since the 19th century, the debate over whether parents should continue lying about his existence, and religious concerns that his legend detracts from the real meaning of Christmas and makes an already self-centered citizenry even more egocentric. Despite a wave of anti-Kringle sentiments, he has never expressed remorse over gift giving -- until now. "A 10-year old girl in Ohio asked me for a VH1 I Love New York doll. I couldn't bring myself to do it," he moaned. "I'm glad she picked Tailor-Made but Budda should have been off that show long before Punk. It wasn't right -- even Sister Patterson agreed." Off camera, Kringle admitted that he was partial towards Midget Mac. Santa also expressed disgust over more than 14,000,000 requests for Xbox 360. "North America has turned into World of Warcraft. We should consider adding a 28th amendment to the Constitution appointing King Magni Bronzebeard of Azeroth head of the American monarchy -- his first mission to destroy all documents on the Spirit of 76." Santa is also reportedly suffering financial losses as a result of the global environmental crisis. "My house is melting," he said. "The basement is completely flooded." After seeing him kick his sleigh in disgust, Thrall and Cairne Bloodhoof offered to help deliver the rest of the gifts.

Divorced NJ Man Rebounds Following Ebay Feedback Affirmations

Hackensack, NJ - After his third divorce, Flip Kurtz was beginning to question his self-worth. He found his first wife in bed with his car detailer, his second wife moved to San Francisco and married her girlfriend, and his third wife died in the Waco, Texas fire. In late 2007, after an unsuccessful job search on hotjobs.com (he couldn't figure out how to attach his resume), Flip decided to start buying junk on Ebay. He got much more than he bargained for. "My confidence shot up after CoinCollector54 told me that I'm an awesome Ebayer, fast payer, and a great communicator," he said. "My wives were never that nice to me." Although Flip admitted to falling in love with Ebay, he said he has no plans to get married for a fourth time. "When I get outbid in the final second, I get angry so I'm not ready to make any long term commitments," he explained. "Right now, I'm just working on building my feedback score and monitoring my watch list. I've cancelled most of my plans because they conflict with the items ending soon. At the moment, I'm just focused on winning a Howdy Doody doll with a slight scratch on the forehead."

Celine Dion Still Bowing

Las Vegas, NV-Four days and three hours after her final performance at Caesar’s Palace, Canadian international megastar Celine Dion is reportedly still taking bows. “Thank you for coming to my 9,382th performance,” the diva said to an empty room. “I want to thank my husband, lover, soul mate, manager, spiritual guru, father, and grandfather – all of whom happen to be the same person. Thank you Rene Angelil for teaching me that love can move mountains,” she shouted over the sound of a maintenance worker vacuuming popcorn off the floor. Even Dion’s son, surprisingly also named Rene, had left town a week earlier to play Halo 3 with his friend Rene. After Dion refused to leave the stage, the hotel manager asked Siegfried and Roy to release their white tiger in the room. Dion, who lost all four limbs as a result, pledged that her heart will go on. "That tiger could have been somewhere else," she said, holding the microphone with her chin as she was wheeled out on a stretcher by paramedics, "but he chose to see Celine Dion. That means so much to Rene."

BREAKING NEWS: JAMES PATTERSON WRITES TWO BOOKS IN ONE WEEKEND

Nostradamus Predicted Spears Pregnancy

Saint-Remy-de-Provence, France - A report recently surfaced in the South of France that Nostradamus may have predicted the pregnancy of 16-year-old Jaime Lynn Spears in Les Propheties in 1555. In the book, Nostradamus writes that following the greatest "plagues, earthquakes, wars, floods, invasions, murders, droughts, and battles" would come "the impregnation of the youngest of spears, which would signify the coming of the end of humanity." Not even a blazing fire in Dick Cheney's office in the Old Executive Office building could trump the news of the latest Hollywood starlet gone bad. Confirmation of a refusal to abort the baby caused power outages in 26 countries. The nation was no less shocked to learn Brittney Spears has a sister. In the meantime, billions of paralyzed citizens waited for an Orson Welles ending that never came.

BREAKING NEWS: MICHAEL JACKSON HOSPITALIZED AFTER TRYING TO SNEEZE

Bush Says Genocide "Encouraging Sign"

Washington, DC - After applauding news that Iran is not in fact on the brink of starting World War III with a uranium enrichment program as previously argued, President Bush praised the Sudanese government today for trying to resolve their ethnic and tribal differences without the hindrance of diplomacy or reason. In an act of unprecedented generosity from the Bush clan, the President donated $40 to relieve starvation in the devastated area. "I bet Dick Cheney that Condi Rice would wear red today," a gleeful President Bush said, his shoulders jumping up and down as he placed his winnings in an envelope and wrote "Somalia" on it. "Now who wants to bowl?"

U.S. Post Office Goes Green

Washington, D.C. - In a sweeping overhaul of 18th century protocols, the U.S. Post Office Master General announced today that she will implement a series of environmental initiatives to combat global warming. One of the provisions will result in the printing of biodegradable "Forever" stamps. If the stamps are not used within three years, they will disintegrate. The People for Styrofoam Stamps (P.S.S), a non-profit grassroots organization fighting for immortal stamp life, mailed a petition to Congress expressing their discontent, however, the petition never reached its destination. In the meantime, P.S.S is keeping their stamps in petri dishes and planning a Million Stamp March on the steps of the U.S. Post Office.

BREAKING NEWS: BANGLADESH CYCLONE KILLS 10,000, ONE MILLION HOMELESS; BUSH OFFERS TO SEND LEFTOVER CHIPS AND SALSA FROM SUNDAY'S COWBOYS-REDSKINS GAME

Clinton Cackle Coos Crowd

Las Vegas, NV - Presidential candidate Barack Obama screamed “Ouch!” during a debate Thursday night after Hillary Clinton put him on her lap and spanked him like a meandering 10 year old. “She really hurt me,” Obama said after taking all three hours of the debate to answer a question about driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants. “It was like watching George Bush try to solve a New York Times crossword puzzle,” said Cody Barker, managing editor of The Pretzel.” It looked like 9/11 out there,” Republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani said. Meanwhile, Clinton continues to ascend in the polls. In a recent survey, only 74% of Americans now believe that it is only “very probable” that you can see right through Senator Clinton if you hold her up to the light. During the debate, Clinton laughed so hard, she fell off the stage and into the lap of audience member Valerie Plame Wilson, where she continued to avoid enumerating her positions. Wilson said she could not comment on the fall because she is currently working undercover for Ballantine Books. The candidates will debate in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Florida tomorrow. Obama was taken to an undisclosed Las Vegas hospital after the debate, where he met Elizabeth Taylor.

BREAKING NEWS: HOLLYWOOD WRITERS STRIKE; ACTORS UNABLE TO THINK OF A RESPONSE

America Honors Veterans

Boca Raton, FL – Americans flocked to local malls Monday to honor World War II, Vietnam, and other veterans who risked their lives to protect and defend their country. Macy’s led off the celebration by offering 50% off Tommy Hilfiger, Calvin Klein, and Perry Ellis ties. Not to be outdone, Bath and Body Works offered a buy two, get one free special on its signature collection of warm vanilla sugar, cherry blossom, and coconut lime verbena bubble baths. While Burberry refused to offer a sale, the Burberry outlet in the Sawgrass Mills Mall offered select customers a free Burberry umbrella with a minimum purchase of $200. “Our sales send a clear message that we support our troops and honor the sacrifices of those who have given their lives,” said Pottery Barn Store Manager Mindy Lenson, who reminded Pretzel reporter Sushi Ascano that the store is offering 20% off floor lamps and wall sconces. A group of male patrons dining on chicken fried rice in the food court suggested erecting a Victoria’s Secret model statue in front of the mall to salute "the most important freedoms" our troops protect. President Bush visited the Tomb of the Unknown where he said he would honor the memory of King Tut.