Employee Maintains Sub Par Performance

Charlotte, NC – New DuPont thermoplastics salesman Jared Appelbaum continued to fail to meet expectations Friday when he showed up late for work with a frappuccino in his hand for the fifth consecutive day. “We had a feeling he would suck when we hired him,” said DuPont Senior VP of Human Resources Cady Holliday. Jared, who walked in with his tie draped over his shoulder, did not apologize for being late or offer an explanation. He was overheard telling a coworker that the company start time conflicted with SportsCenter. Since being hired three weeks ago, Jared has been caught playing Tetris on his computer and sleeping in a bathroom stall. Last week, he also had an altercation with Tery Caloghiris, the Head of Colors and Coating Technologies, over the value of golf balls made from ethylene copolymers. Jared is expected to get fired before the Kevlar convention next month.

Early Morning Fire Alarm Reveals Scope of Residents’ Bad Breath

Boca Raton, FL – A 5:15 am fire alarm in a South Florida apartment building sent residents scurrying for the exits in their pajamas Tuesday morning. Firefighters sent two extra trucks to extinguish the flames of bad breath reported once the first brigade arrived on the scene. Jan Noodlebaum from the fifth floor was holding her Maltese when she fainted during a conversation with “the guy who always wears sunglasses inside and whistles in the elevator”. Neighbors reported his breath smelled like sausage. Resident Fran Deluca, also known as "the lady who doesn’t shower off before getting in the pool”, also caused frowns with her halitosis as she lamented her early morning walk down the stairwell. “Her breath smells like she has been licking her dog’s ass,” a dazed resident said. Firefighters managed to contain the fire but suggested installing outdoor fire sprinklers to retard the residents’ breath in the future.

BREAKING NEWS: CALIFORNIA WILDFIRES ZERO PERCENT CONTAINED; HOUSING GLUT RESOLVED; SCHWARZENEGGER DONS MR. FREEZE OUTFIT

Fourth Grader's Pencil Remains Unsharpened

Orlando, FL – Fourth grade student Jeffrey Kang remained in his seat for 45 minutes Monday without completing any of his math problems. When the teacher confronted Jeffrey, he said he was unsure what to do in light of the broken point on his pencil since he did not have a sharpener. It remains unknown when Jeffrey will sharpen his pencil or ask another classmate to borrow one. In a neighboring classroom, a student found a thumbtack on the floor and spent considerable time contemplating what to do with it. Unable to find a solution, he put it back on the floor where he found it.

Friends Club Making Enemies

Short Hills, NJ – A new school club at Short Hills High School formed by a group of 10th grade students is causing concern among administrators and parents. The group of students, who named their club The Snotties, draw bar graphs comparing the number of friends they have on their MySpace pages to their classmates. “In the past month, I have added three times more friends to my page than Rachel Rothfeld,” Snotties’ president Malorie Whitting wrote in her school newspaper column, All About Us: The Life and Times of The Snotties. “At our lunch table, we don’t even have enough seats because we have so many friends,” she wrote. “Look at that kid Peter with the curly hair and fanny pack the next time you’re at lunch. He sits by himself and has no friends. I bet he doesn’t even have a MySpace page,” she added. The Robotics Club started a petition to disband the club; however, the principal said he is unlikely to address the matter as he is busy preparing a laundry list of meaningless items to address with the faculty.

Police Charge Credit Card Customer Service Representative

Calcutta, India - A Citibank customer shot himself twice in the head today after he was unable to persuade a Citibank customer service representative (CSR) to send him his Bonus Rewards dividend check in the mail. A transcript of the exchange was released to the media early this afternoon. During the conversation, the customer asked repeatedly for the check and refused to take advantage of a “0% APR on all balance transfers through February 2008”. He continued to ask for his dividend check, which prompted the CSR to offer to send him convenience checks in the mail to consolidate his debt. When the customer informed the CSR that he did not have any debt, the CSR reminded the customer that "on the back of the mail-in envelope, there is an offer for an engraved pen set, which includes a $2.00 mail-in rebate." When police questioned the CSR after the customer killed himself, she told them she would not be able to speak to them without their PIN.

Bottle Bandit Bites Back

How long have you been dating your water bottles? Did they attend your wedding? Which one was present at your child's birth? I'll consider returning that one. Did Santa give them to you for Christmas? Did your Dad use them as bases when you played wiffle ball in the backyard? Or did you mother stick candles in them and put them on your birthday cake? Go watch Ellen you freak. The bottles are mine now.

An Open Letter to the Two-Bit Thief On The Eighth Floor Who Stole My Three Zephyrhills Five-Gallon Water Bottles

You little punk! Did your mother not make you birthday cakes when you were a kid? Did your father refuse to throw the wiffle ball for you in the backyard? Did the tooth fairy give you carrots instead of coins? Did someone tell you Santa Claus was a hoax dreamed up by unimaginative toy manufacturers and greedy marketers when you were peering out your bedroom window one Christmas eve? Some kids never even get to celebrate it. Did your parents drop you off at the wrong bus stop? Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Do I need to call the University of Florida police to taser you or are you going to give me back my bottles? Give me back my #$%& water bottles you $%&#. Sorry. Would you please return my water bottles? Do I need to call Ellen Degeneris to cry for me? Just tell me what you want me to do. I want my bottles back. You can reach me at my job at Abbott Laboratories in Fort Lauderdale. I actually store urine samples in those bottles so I need them back for some tests we're running tomorrow. I hope you didn’t…

Test Crash Dummy Bolts

Spokane, WA – Volvo announced today that “Billy the Crash Test Dummy” submitted his letter of resignation. He cited frequent headaches, joint stiffness, whiplash, nightmares, and a lack of respect for his departure. “I’m tired of being called a dummy,” he wrote. “I know the car is going to crash. It’s my job.” Volvo spokeswoman Ginny McFarlane said that Billy is not the first dummy to come unglued. “He has been bent out of shape since his first day of work. I’m sure we'll have no problem finding a replacement,” she said. “Our company is filled with dummies.” As Billy waved goodbye, a dummy drove a new Volvo XC70 into his sternum. The results of the accident will be made public in the November issue of Car & Driver magazine.

BREAKING NEWS: SCHOOL LECTURES PUTTING DAMPER ON STUDENTS' ENJOYMENT OF VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES

Satirist Fired for Trite Material

Syracuse, NY – Comedy Writer Dirk Birbrower was fired from his job Monday after Caught Laughing magazine Editor Jon Reiser accused Birbrower of too frequently relying on the obvious for laughs. “He lost his edge,” Reiser told Twisted News reporter Marshmellow Williams. “Every story raged against someone leaving their cart in the middle of the grocery store aisle, failing to make the obligatory waive for allowing a car frontsies, whistling in an elevator, or making bubbles in the pool. It’s old hat.” Reiser said Birbrower will be replaced by Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid. Reiser asked Reid to write a new column called, “My Life as a Hypocrite”. In the column, Reid will explain how he can excoriate Republicans for passing legislation condemning MoveOn.org’s advertisements and then discuss censuring Rush Limbaugh for comments he made about the military on the floor of the Senate the following week. In his first column, Reid will scold Eric Cartman from South Park for unnecessary roughness as a hall monitor before revealing that he was suspended for three days in 1959 for putting a classmate in a locker.

Bush Changes Stance on Gay Rights

Washington, DC – After spending a weekend with Latvian Prime Minister Aigars Kalvitis, President Bush announced a reversal on his policy banning gay marriage. “In the past, when I thought of homosexuals, I thought of Mary Cheney. She looks like a younger Dick Cheney -- scary,” Bush said. “I never knew a gay could be as handsome as Prime Minister Kalvitis, or Kal, as I like to call him. He’s what I like to call a real ally,” Bush winked. He later cancelled plans to work on a new version of the children's healthcare bill to go boating with Kalvitis.

Angry Baby Signals "No More Squeaky Toys"

Short Hills, NJ – Erik Feingold gave his parents every indication today that he has heard enough of the Hasbro Playskool Busy Ball Popper. “I wish they would just let me sleep,” he thought to himself. "Between the ball popper and the LeapFrog Baby Curious Crab Rattle, my head is pounding. The musical inchworm was really all I needed." Erik's parents were shopping at the time of the request.

Rambling Homeless Man Becomes New White House Press Secretary

Washington, DC – White House Chief-of-Staff Josh Bolten announced today that some “crazy homeless guy” will replace Dana Perino as the new White House Press Secretary. The homeless man, who refers to himself as Flash Gordon, will be the fifth White House Press Secretary for President Bush. Ari Fleischer, Scott McClellan, Tony Snow, and Perino all resigned after running out of lies. “We think the new Press Secretary will take misleading the American people to the next level,” Bolten explained. “When we interviewed him, he didn’t make any sense or answer a single question and that’s really what we’re looking for.” At his first press conference, White House Reporter Helen Thomas asked Gordon if the United States government will continue to torture prisoners. Gordon replied, “She threw me out...I didn’t take her purse...Jesus loves you...Stop touching me.” Paramedics arrived on the scene after Thomas collapsed.

Brother-In-Law Prepares to See Photo Albums

Decateur, GA – Jeane and Mack Bickersteth bought plane tickets today to visit Jeane’s sister Elkie in Fort Pierre, South Dakota for Thanksgiving. “I'd rather stick a hot needle in my eye than go to her house,” Mack explained. “All she does is show me pictures of her neighbor’s son playing little league and her mailman’s daughter’s wedding. I’m sick of looking at her photo albums and pretending like I care. She doesn't even have any new pictures; she just shows me the same ones every year." Mack said he would go in the other room and watch the Falcons, which he described as almost as painful. Mack’s wife Jeane reminded him that they haven't been away for awhile and that it will be a nice break. “I don't need a break," Mack said. "I enjoy doing nothing. Sitting on a couch and straining my neck to see one of Elkie’s colleague’s new baby is not my idea of a vacation." Elkie called later that evening to tell Jeane that her t.v. broke.

BREAKING NEWS: NEW THEORY SUGGESTS KENNEDY SHOT AT OSWALD FIRST

Thompson Proposes Iraq Invasion

Ann Arbor, MI – At a Republican Presidential Debate Tuesday, candidate Fred Thompson introduced a bill (SR 789) to invade Iraq and dethrone Saddam Hussein. “You’re no longer a member of Congress so you can’t introduce a bill,” Senator John McCain grumbled. Thompson, who recently suggested that the Soviet Union, which no longer exists, poses the greatest threat to our national security, also could not recall the specifics of the Terry Schiavo case. “Was she the one who starred with Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom?” Thompson asked moderator Chris Matthews. In response to a question from Maria Bartiromo on the threat of AIDS, Thompson said that we should not assume that because Liberace has contracted the disease that it will necessarily become an epidemic. He added, “You have nice lips.”

Everyone Still Not Listening at Staff Meeting

Hagerstown, MD - Coors Marketing Director Al Dingle made his third presentation in five days to a group of disgruntled employees in the fourth floor conference room today. Following the meeting, one employee confirmed that "nobody was listening to a word the guy said." Dingle talked about the need to improve customer service, increase sales, and develop new products. "In one ear and out the other," shipping manager Frank Battisto said. "When he fixes the damn coffee machine in the lounge, I'll start worrying about product arriving on time." Dingle introduced several new high tech charts, showing a record breaking decrease in productivity. "Sales are falling and our shareholders are barking mad," Dingle explained. "Is he still talking in there," employee Marge Schott asked, as she walked down the hallway completing a sudoku puzzle. "I don't even go to his meetings." The meeting was adjourned when a guy from sales booed Dingle and threw a chocolate munchkin at his head.

Family Unable to Realize PIP Dreams

Tulsa, OK – In 1999, Ted Gusack bought a new television for his family room. “I can remember how excited my wife and kids were when I brought it home,” Gusack recalled. “There’s nothing to do in this town except watch television so it meant a lot to them.” For the first three years, Gusack tried to figure out how to use the picture-in-picture (PIP) feature. “We used to talk about how he could watch the Sooners game, the kids could watch the Gilmore Girls, and I could watch Jerry Falwell but we never got the chance,” his wife Gayle said. Gusack said the PIP button on his remote was a constant reminder of what could have been. “I finally spent the ten bucks and got myself a universal remote so I didn’t have to look at it anymore,” he admitted. “He saved the instruction manual for years,” Gusack’s son Alex said. “It has been really hard on him.” In 2005, the Gusack family almost experienced PIP when their neighbor Mongo offered to teach them how to use it. The following day, Mongo was arrested for sending his ex-wife feces in the mail before he ever got the chance. Gusack continues to resist Circuit City coupons for surround sound. “I don’t criticize him,” said Gusack’s brother, Frank, who lives in neighboring Owasso. “I’ve been trying to mount an LCD television on my wall for a year. Heck, I can’t even figure out how to stop my lawn sprinklers from pelting my neighbor’s car.”

IHOP Charges Customers for Leftover Food

Omaha, Nebraska - Battling increasing egg and syrup costs, IHOP's CEO Cy Shewbridge announced new strategies to boost the company's bottom line at a retreat in the Bahamas. "As every customer knows, sometimes our dishwasher doesn't get all of the food off the silverware," Shewbridge explained. "Since you eat that food, we will no longer be able to offer it to you for free," he added. Customers will now be charged an extra 50 cents for dried food left on silverware from previous customers. "I just use the bathroom there so it really doesn't bother me," said customer Bertha Kukow, who drives an 18 wheel rig for Batten Metals.

Entire Eighth Grade Diagnosed With ADD

Coral Glades, FL - Timberlakes Middle School Principal Barri Ross announced today that all 181 students in the eighth grade have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). "They are incapable of controlling their impulses," said Dr. Erik Behr, who examined the students via satellite from Seattle, Washington. Teachers were instructed to pick up all 181 accommodation plans by the end of the day. The principal also announced a revised schedule that will provide extra time for students to take ritalin, put their heads on their desk and fall asleep, bounce off the walls, smack each other in the head, and stand outside for fresh air. The new schedule will be announced repeatedly throughout the year.