Washington, DC – White House Chief-of-Staff Josh Bolten announced today that some “crazy homeless guy” will replace Dana Perino as the new White House Press Secretary. The homeless man, who refers to himself as Flash Gordon, will be the fifth White House Press Secretary for President Bush. Ari Fleischer, Scott McClellan, Tony Snow, and Perino all resigned after running out of lies. “We think the new Press Secretary will take misleading the American people to the next level,” Bolten explained. “When we interviewed him, he didn’t make any sense or answer a single question and that’s really what we’re looking for.” At his first press conference, White House Reporter Helen Thomas asked Gordon if the United States government will continue to torture prisoners. Gordon replied, “She threw me out...I didn’t take her purse...Jesus loves you...Stop touching me.” Paramedics arrived on the scene after Thomas collapsed.
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