BREAKING NEWS: DNC ORDERS 50 MILLION GAS MASKS TO ENABLE DEMOCRATS TO VOTE FOR HILLARY CLINTON

Piece of Junk Mail Almost Worth Opening

Orlando, FL – A resident of BriarWoods Apartments almost opened a piece of junk mail Monday after seeing the words “Important Account Information Enclosed” and "Final Notice" on the envelope. Several residents have reported the temptation to open their mail recently. “I never know if it’s a new credit card or something from my bank. Whenever I open it, I always get fooled so I just throw everything away,” the resident said. A recent study by students at Appalachian State University revealed that they were unable to conduct a study because they were too busy opening junk mail.

Dinner Guests Survive Unsolicited Tour of House

Buckhead, GA – Fred and Yani Mitchell were found in their bed Monday morning clinging to life after surviving a seemingly endless tour of their friend Kitti Dornfeld’s new house. “We couldn’t get up for work,” Fred said, as he reassured his worried family who arrived on the scene with the police that they were all right. When the couple accepted an invitation for dinner with their old neighbors, they had no idea it would include a 40 minute tour of their new home. “When Kitti asked me if I wanted to see the house, I told her it wasn’t necessary but she said I had to see it. Looking inside the closet was bad enough; I almost died when she made me guess how much she paid for her couches and asked me to sit on her new toilet seat,” a withdrawn Yani told Pretzel reporter Biff Barker. “When we finally sat down for dinner, she made me get up to look at some shelves her husband had just installed in the garage.” Police visited the Dornfeld’s home to instruct the couple to stop giving tours. Kitti invited the police officers inside for some coffee and asked them if they wanted to see her new patio furniture and meet her in-laws and children.

BREAKING NEWS: DOG CHAPMAN’S SON TURNS IN GIRLFRIEND FOR EATING CARAMELS FROM GROCERY STORE CANDY BIN WITHOUT PAYING

Something Bad Happening in Pakistan

Tucson, AZ – At Bru’s Room Bar & Grill, where drinks are 50% off until 6:00 pm, a group of coworkers from Comcast Cable were talking about something really bad happening in Pakistan. “All I know is that it’s a mess,” one guy said. "All the places in Africa have problems like that," he added. “Yeah, Bush told Mushroff to take off his uniform. I guess he was challenging him to a fight,” another guy said. “I saw a bunch of people waving guns and shooting in the air. We should just drop a bomb on them," he added. After happy hour ended, the guys pledged to get together for the Giants-Cowboys game Sunday.

Tobacco Industry Toasts Top Ranking

Washington, DC – Jubilant tobacco industry lobbyists popped the corks on cases of the latest vintages of Dom Perignon Friday after the U.S. Center for Disease Control (CDC) revealed the failure of smoking cessation efforts among Americans. “We reached our target addiction rate of 92% in 2006,” Camel lobbyist Sherwood Kittleton cheered as he wrapped his tie around his forehead and pounded a shot of tequila. “We know smoking is the number one preventable cause of death. Our job is to do everything we can to prevent people from worrying about it. A terrorist threat here and an O.J trial there and we're in business!” Marlboro salesman Buck Grillo said. “Our goal is to tap the youth market next year. We’re looking in particular at kids ages 3-7. We think there are huge opportunities -- perhaps teaming up with Baby Gap,” Newport lobbyist Judd Urso said. The CDC pledged to continue their fight to reduce smoking despite being outspent 2:1 by the tobacco industry.

Oversized Sunglasses Cult Overthrows Government

Washington, D.C. – A band of desperate teenage girls from Malibu seized control of the American government today after storming the White House. The national debt doubled within the first hour of their reign as they began ordering clothes from the basement of the Bureau of Printing and Engraving and demanded Congress pass a 28th Amendment extending mall operation hours nationwide. It is the first American coup since angry southerners refused to buy Dixie Chicks albums. The militia was carrying Louis Vuitton handbags and wearing 7 for All Mankind jeans, Manolos, OPI nail lacquer, and oversized Gucci sunglasses. A sniper on the roof reported that one of the girls may have also been wearing Tracie Martyn skin care products. White House intern Jimmy Scott donned a pair of oversized sunglasses to infiltrate the gang but was later found tied to the Lincoln bed with a Ferragamo belt. The S.W.A.T. team began negotiations with the clan, who demanded $100 million in Tiffany’s gift certificates and tickets to the priemiere of Mean Girls II. The standoff ended when one of the girls broke a nail in the Oval Office and couldn't hold out any longer. “I need nail glue,” she cried, as she was taken away in handcuffs in the Rose Garden. President Bush later said the incident underscored the severity of the ongoing war on terror and ordered the Secretary of Defense to bomb Bloomingdales.

Grandparent Conversation Reveals Consistency of Weather

Peekskill, NY - Sixteen year-old Jacob Cantor called his grandmother Frieda in Port St. Lucie, Florida Thursday after his mother reminded him for the “thousandth time”. After she asked him how school was going, Frieda told her grandson that it has been “humid lately” and “raining a lot in the afternoons”. Jacob told her that it was “cloudy” today in Peekskill and that it's supposed to get cold tonight. Following an awkward silence, his grandmother replied that “it’s just very humid and rainy here”. When Jacob asked his grandmother if she had any plans for the weekend, she replied that it was “too humid and rainy to go outside”.

New Jersey Woman Runs Three Minute Mile After Putting “Best Song Ever” on iPod

Teaneck, NJ – A housewife and mother of two cats ran a 3:07 mile around the Teaneck High School track this morning after adding Kanye West’s new song Champion to her iPod. “My previous best time was 8:45, which I ran after I added Seal’s Amazing and Trick Daddy’s Bet That” she said. “The Kanye song really made me go fast. I've listened to it a bunch of times now so I am starting to slow down,” she added. The woman would not predict if she would be able to break her record setting pace, however, she did mention that she is looking forward to the release of Dr. Dre's new album in December.

Employee Maintains Sub Par Performance

Charlotte, NC – New DuPont thermoplastics salesman Jared Appelbaum continued to fail to meet expectations Friday when he showed up late for work with a frappuccino in his hand for the fifth consecutive day. “We had a feeling he would suck when we hired him,” said DuPont Senior VP of Human Resources Cady Holliday. Jared, who walked in with his tie draped over his shoulder, did not apologize for being late or offer an explanation. He was overheard telling a coworker that the company start time conflicted with SportsCenter. Since being hired three weeks ago, Jared has been caught playing Tetris on his computer and sleeping in a bathroom stall. Last week, he also had an altercation with Tery Caloghiris, the Head of Colors and Coating Technologies, over the value of golf balls made from ethylene copolymers. Jared is expected to get fired before the Kevlar convention next month.

Early Morning Fire Alarm Reveals Scope of Residents’ Bad Breath

Boca Raton, FL – A 5:15 am fire alarm in a South Florida apartment building sent residents scurrying for the exits in their pajamas Tuesday morning. Firefighters sent two extra trucks to extinguish the flames of bad breath reported once the first brigade arrived on the scene. Jan Noodlebaum from the fifth floor was holding her Maltese when she fainted during a conversation with “the guy who always wears sunglasses inside and whistles in the elevator”. Neighbors reported his breath smelled like sausage. Resident Fran Deluca, also known as "the lady who doesn’t shower off before getting in the pool”, also caused frowns with her halitosis as she lamented her early morning walk down the stairwell. “Her breath smells like she has been licking her dog’s ass,” a dazed resident said. Firefighters managed to contain the fire but suggested installing outdoor fire sprinklers to retard the residents’ breath in the future.

BREAKING NEWS: CALIFORNIA WILDFIRES ZERO PERCENT CONTAINED; HOUSING GLUT RESOLVED; SCHWARZENEGGER DONS MR. FREEZE OUTFIT

Fourth Grader's Pencil Remains Unsharpened

Orlando, FL – Fourth grade student Jeffrey Kang remained in his seat for 45 minutes Monday without completing any of his math problems. When the teacher confronted Jeffrey, he said he was unsure what to do in light of the broken point on his pencil since he did not have a sharpener. It remains unknown when Jeffrey will sharpen his pencil or ask another classmate to borrow one. In a neighboring classroom, a student found a thumbtack on the floor and spent considerable time contemplating what to do with it. Unable to find a solution, he put it back on the floor where he found it.

Friends Club Making Enemies

Short Hills, NJ – A new school club at Short Hills High School formed by a group of 10th grade students is causing concern among administrators and parents. The group of students, who named their club The Snotties, draw bar graphs comparing the number of friends they have on their MySpace pages to their classmates. “In the past month, I have added three times more friends to my page than Rachel Rothfeld,” Snotties’ president Malorie Whitting wrote in her school newspaper column, All About Us: The Life and Times of The Snotties. “At our lunch table, we don’t even have enough seats because we have so many friends,” she wrote. “Look at that kid Peter with the curly hair and fanny pack the next time you’re at lunch. He sits by himself and has no friends. I bet he doesn’t even have a MySpace page,” she added. The Robotics Club started a petition to disband the club; however, the principal said he is unlikely to address the matter as he is busy preparing a laundry list of meaningless items to address with the faculty.

Police Charge Credit Card Customer Service Representative

Calcutta, India - A Citibank customer shot himself twice in the head today after he was unable to persuade a Citibank customer service representative (CSR) to send him his Bonus Rewards dividend check in the mail. A transcript of the exchange was released to the media early this afternoon. During the conversation, the customer asked repeatedly for the check and refused to take advantage of a “0% APR on all balance transfers through February 2008”. He continued to ask for his dividend check, which prompted the CSR to offer to send him convenience checks in the mail to consolidate his debt. When the customer informed the CSR that he did not have any debt, the CSR reminded the customer that "on the back of the mail-in envelope, there is an offer for an engraved pen set, which includes a $2.00 mail-in rebate." When police questioned the CSR after the customer killed himself, she told them she would not be able to speak to them without their PIN.

Bottle Bandit Bites Back

How long have you been dating your water bottles? Did they attend your wedding? Which one was present at your child's birth? I'll consider returning that one. Did Santa give them to you for Christmas? Did your Dad use them as bases when you played wiffle ball in the backyard? Or did you mother stick candles in them and put them on your birthday cake? Go watch Ellen you freak. The bottles are mine now.

An Open Letter to the Two-Bit Thief On The Eighth Floor Who Stole My Three Zephyrhills Five-Gallon Water Bottles

You little punk! Did your mother not make you birthday cakes when you were a kid? Did your father refuse to throw the wiffle ball for you in the backyard? Did the tooth fairy give you carrots instead of coins? Did someone tell you Santa Claus was a hoax dreamed up by unimaginative toy manufacturers and greedy marketers when you were peering out your bedroom window one Christmas eve? Some kids never even get to celebrate it. Did your parents drop you off at the wrong bus stop? Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Do I need to call the University of Florida police to taser you or are you going to give me back my bottles? Give me back my #$%& water bottles you $%&#. Sorry. Would you please return my water bottles? Do I need to call Ellen Degeneris to cry for me? Just tell me what you want me to do. I want my bottles back. You can reach me at my job at Abbott Laboratories in Fort Lauderdale. I actually store urine samples in those bottles so I need them back for some tests we're running tomorrow. I hope you didn’t…

Test Crash Dummy Bolts

Spokane, WA – Volvo announced today that “Billy the Crash Test Dummy” submitted his letter of resignation. He cited frequent headaches, joint stiffness, whiplash, nightmares, and a lack of respect for his departure. “I’m tired of being called a dummy,” he wrote. “I know the car is going to crash. It’s my job.” Volvo spokeswoman Ginny McFarlane said that Billy is not the first dummy to come unglued. “He has been bent out of shape since his first day of work. I’m sure we'll have no problem finding a replacement,” she said. “Our company is filled with dummies.” As Billy waved goodbye, a dummy drove a new Volvo XC70 into his sternum. The results of the accident will be made public in the November issue of Car & Driver magazine.

BREAKING NEWS: SCHOOL LECTURES PUTTING DAMPER ON STUDENTS' ENJOYMENT OF VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES

Satirist Fired for Trite Material

Syracuse, NY – Comedy Writer Dirk Birbrower was fired from his job Monday after Caught Laughing magazine Editor Jon Reiser accused Birbrower of too frequently relying on the obvious for laughs. “He lost his edge,” Reiser told Twisted News reporter Marshmellow Williams. “Every story raged against someone leaving their cart in the middle of the grocery store aisle, failing to make the obligatory waive for allowing a car frontsies, whistling in an elevator, or making bubbles in the pool. It’s old hat.” Reiser said Birbrower will be replaced by Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid. Reiser asked Reid to write a new column called, “My Life as a Hypocrite”. In the column, Reid will explain how he can excoriate Republicans for passing legislation condemning MoveOn.org’s advertisements and then discuss censuring Rush Limbaugh for comments he made about the military on the floor of the Senate the following week. In his first column, Reid will scold Eric Cartman from South Park for unnecessary roughness as a hall monitor before revealing that he was suspended for three days in 1959 for putting a classmate in a locker.