BREAKING NEWS: RUTGERS BASKETBALL PLAYER SUES FIFTH GRADE CLASSMATE FOR CALLING HER "JOLLY GREEN GIANT" IN 1996

School Board Approves New Uniform at Atlantic City High School

Atlantic City, NJ - The Atlantic City School Board overwhelmingly approved a new school uniform at Atlantic City High School today, which will require students to wear R.I.P. outerwear. School Board President E.Z. Watkins said students are not expected to get a new shirt every time a closer friend is killed but they are offering a silk screening elective so students can learn how to make their own shirts. Principal C.J. "Big Cheez" Twiggs said the new class will teach students valuable skills so they are able to make shirts for their friends. She suggests parents buy three R.I.P. t-shirts, two R.I.P. sweatshirts, a R.I.P. hoodie, and at least one R.I.P. jacket for the
winter to keep warm. "It's our way of honoring our dead homies," Taneesha Smith said, a fifth year senior who was wearing a "Tell me why they had to die?" t-shirt memorializing her three friends who were shot at a local drugstore last year. "I don't want nobody to forget my dawg," said 24 year old tenth grade student R.J. Miller, who was wearing a "Gone but not forgotten" R.I.P. t-shirt to remember his friend T-bone, who was gunned down last week. "He was just trying to buy some blunt. It didn't have to go down like that," he added. "The problem we're dealing with now is what students should do if they're shot while they're wearing a R.I.P. t-shirt," said Assistant Principal T.K. Greely. "Do they keep wearing that shirt or should they wear a new shirt honoring their own shooting? Nobody knows." Despite objections from one parent who moved to Atlantic City this morning, gang members test scores are on the rise with one out of every 20 students now showing up to take the test, and only one out of four students being shot prior to completing the reading section. Silk Screening teacher J.P. Higgins said he plans on unveiling a special graduation R.I.P. t-shirt which will showcase a collage of every student killed since freshman year.

Homerun Media Frenzy Over, Bonds Mulls Killing Fred Goldman

San Francisco, CA - Barry Bonds thrives on the media attention he curses. Injecting himself with steroids made him famous and increased his baseball cap by two sizes, a feat doctors say only happens if you're taking steroids or have elephant disease. Now that Bonds cheated his way to the top, all that awaits him is a trial. Reportedly jealous of the endless attention showered on O.J. Simpson, Bonds' friends speculate that he may kill Fred Goldman. "I don't know if he'll kill Fred or his wife but I know he's thinking about killing someone," said Marcus Allan, a childhood friend. Bonds is also considering writing a new book, If I Did It, which would discuss how fans would have reacted if he actually broke the homerun record legitimately.

BREAKING NEWS: COUNTRYWIDE FINANCIAL OFFERING FREE HOUSE WITH LOAN

Students Hone Gears of War Skills in Mr. Hennigan's American History Class

Coral Springs, FL - In a 2007 student poll, eleventh grade tenured American History teacher Jim Hennigan was selected the "Most Popular" at Woodland High School in Coral Springs. "He has a big following," Rachel McIntire, the Student Government President explained. "There's a waiting list to get in." Hennigan, the school's varsity football coach, permits students to play X-box in class. The activities are concealed behind a U.S. Constitution poster which hangs on his door window. "Allowing kids to experience the soldiers of Delta Squad saving people on Sera from the Locust Horde exposes them to the realities of war," Hennigan recently told Zach Figel, a reporter for the school's underground newspaper The Forest. Rather than study the "shot heard 'round the world" or the Battle of Gettysburg, students fight the wars of Marcus Fenix and Dominic Santiago. "He told us just to be cool about it and not fight over who has first ups," said student Erik Harley, who plays during Period B. "Basically, if we come to class and don't say anything, we get a good grade and he gets to read the sports section."

Satellite Locates Bush Supporter

Arctic Ocean - A NASA satellite located the last known supporter of President Bush hanging on to a dinghy in the Laptiv Sea north of Siberia. A military helicopter, in the area for the filming of a new Tom Clancy movie, reluctantly lifted the survivor to safety. He was wearing a "W" t-shirt. Reporters questioned the man on his support of Bush. "I've been lost at sea for six years," he said. "The last time I saw the President, he was reading a children's story to a group of second grade students in Florida. Did something happen?"

Stingrays Rally For "Stingray Week" On Discovery Channel

Atlantic Ocean - Offended by the recent coverage of sharks, a group of activist stingrays in the Bahamas sent a sonar signal to the Discovery Channel asking why they are not being given the same amount of air time. "We killed Steve Irwin and we're even scarier looking than sharks," wrote Sting Ray, the author of Don't Stand So Close To Me. The Local Sting Ray Union 743, which has also fought against tail discrimination, organized a Million Fin Swim on the steps of the Titanic to express their dissatisfaction. Dr. Martin Luther Sting, Jr. is expected to deliver the keynote address.

BREAKING NEWS: TV GUIDE CHANNEL OPENS HUMAN RESOURCES OFFICE IN AMERICAN IDOL WAITING ROOM

Joan Rivers Undergoes Plastic Surgery; Mouth Now Opens in Back of Head

Beverly Hills, CA - Joan Rivers' publicist announced today that the comedian underwent her seventh plastic surgery in the past month. Rivers, who turns 92 in March, said her goal is to look younger than Dakota Fanning by the end of the year. Doctors estimate her next face lift may pull her eyes all the way shut and require her to use a seeing-eye dog. "If that's true, I'll hire Star Jones," she quipped from her hospital bed. "I gave up on Ponce de Leon years ago," she added. "Ever since I had this work done, people laugh before I even tell a joke."

BREAKING NEWS: VOTERS UNABLE TO TELL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HILLARY CLINTON AND HILLARY CLINTON BOBBLE HEAD

Bridge Collapse Paralyzes Nation

Minneapolis, MN - According to a poll of national news anchors, the collapse of a local bridge in Minnesota, which killed five people and injured more than 20 others, is the worst tragedy in American history. In a joint agreement, every news station has decided to cover the bridge accident through the rest of 2007. "At this point, we're unsure if life will go on," CNN President Jonathan Klein said. The radio station in Idaho aired Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds" broadcast to slam the message home. Fox News President Rupert Murdoch reportedly contacted the USOC and asked them to consider cancelling the 2012 Olympics in London. "We can't be sure the London Bridge will not fall down and kill our athletes," he said. Murdoch refused to comment on why the bridge accident was more newsworthy than the 15,000 people dying in Darfur every month, the 60 million Americans without health insurance, the 36 million Americans living in poverty, or the 180 people killed by drunk drivers everyday. Despite the fact that statistics illustrate you have a better chance of being struck by lightening, killed by a stray bullet, or eaten by a shark, the media has decided to scare everyone into believing that the bridge they cross everyday is going to implode. Afterall, there have been three other such collapses in the past 90 years. In a recent survey of American citizens, 9 out 10 people indicated that the biggest problem facing America today that the media should be covering is the media.

Bonds Sets Sights on At-Bats Record

Los Angeles, CA - In a post game interview, Barry Bonds admitted that he is intentionally not hitting any more homeruns in order to punish everyone who has accused him of taking steroids. "I just want to make them keep watching me. Let them all stay up until midnight every night." Bonds added that his new goal is to break Pete Rose's at-bats record of 14,053. He currently has 9,763. "You can keep watching my daughter make chicken motions in the stands for the rest of the season," he said. Mark Nies, a fan who dressed as a giant head for the game against the Los Angeles Dodgers, said he hopes Bonds breaks the record in Dodgers' Stadium so he can be there to boo him. Bonds also admitted that he told Bud Selig to buy plane tickets to San Diego, Colorado, Arizona, Houston, St. Louis, Chicago, and Milwaukee. An FBI spokesman said they have launched a probe into a relationship between NBA referee Tim Donaghy and Bonds for colluding in a stock options deal with American Airlines.

Homeless Man Unable to Make Condo Payments

Miami Beach, FL – Banc of America reported today that Johnny Gomes of Miami Beach did not make his July mortgage payment of $19,400 and faces foreclosure. Gomes, a homeless man who lost his job as an armpit sniffer for a deodorant company in 1964, was given a 2.4 million dollar loan in June to purchase a beachfront condo on Fisher Island. Gomes pimped the place out, installing a Crown Liquor store in his living room, a dumpster in the upstairs bathroom, and a fountain in the front yard for neighbors to wash their hair. He also bought more than 100,000 brown paper bags and 300 shopping carts before running himself into credit card debt. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke slammed lenders for using what he called "Chris Angel-like loan practices" and warned of an impending housing bust. Some lenders agree and have shown signs of tightening loan requirements. Last week, Countrywide Financial Corp. said they would no longer loan people money who have filed for bankruptcy more than five times in the past year or who have been convicted of insurance fraud by making a car disappear or setting their house on fire. Nan Taylor of Florida Realty, Inc. said the housing market continues to boom and people should hurry up and buy now while the rates are low and prices have come down. She was unable to explain the growth in the length of her nose while she was speaking.

Ice From Cheney's Veins Used to Cool California Heatwave

Washington, DC – A team of surgeons at The George Washington University hospital performed an emergency medical procedure this morning to remove ice from Vice-President Cheney’s veins in order to chill temperatures scorching the western United States. Doctor Carol Distler asked the Vice-President if he wanted local anesthesia. He replied that he didn't see a reason to fly back to Texas for the procedure and gave her permission to do it locally. Doctors warned that the draining of ice from the Vice-President’s veins might cause him to warm up a little. The conservative base of the Republican party expressed their faith-based concern, fearing that the operation may cause him to provide relief in the next hurricane, hire and retain federal workers based on their ability, and even address the nagging health care and national debt crises. Doctors assured wary supporters that the Vice-President would likely still have enough ice in his veins to ignore the most pressing issues of our time. Following the procedure, Cheney ordered an invasion of a childcare center in Vermont to test his own resolve. In the meantime, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reported frozen power lines cut off electricity in Orange County and declared a state of emergency.