Office Motivational Posters Cause Employee to Take Life

Houston, TX - Jared Lindell, an accountant at H & R Block, was found dead in his cubicle today, the apparent victim of a drug overdose. Coworkers reported Jared appeared depressed in recent months after his boss ordered a series of motivational posters for the office. In Jared's suicide note, which was found next to a "Priorities Boy" coffee mug, he admitted to deciding to take his own life after realizing he was unable to soar, believe and succeed, make it happen, be the bridge, or aim high. At his funeral, Jared's boss said he was "a rising star" who went "above and beyond" the call of duty. Coworker Janet Popinetti described his attitude as a "little thing that made a big difference."

Bush Announces Bid for Chinese Presidency

Beijing, China - Tired of having his hands tied by a constitution, President Bush announced today that he will challenge Chinese President Hu Jintao for the presidency. "It's an opportunity for him to oppress a nation with less resistance and bring a new level of despair to the Chinese people," former Advisor Karl Rove explained. Bush, who said his decision was based on his love of Greek salad, said his first priority will be to find out "why their children is not learning." The Chinese people met the announcement with water torture, public beheadings, and a hunger strike. At his first public campaign appearance driving a tank in Tieneman Square, Bush asked, "If Hu's on first, what's on second?"

Ford Charged in O.J. Memorabilia Sting

Chicago, IL - Police charged Harrison Ford with stealing a signed knife and a pair of bloody gloves from O.J. Simpson's hotel suite Friday. Ford, who has been on the lam in Chicago for six days and seven nights, denied the accusations and insisted the robbery was committed by a man with one arm. "He had a prosthetic limb," Ford shouted as he ran into a tunnel. Ford, who is presumed innocent, was scheduled to join President Bush on Air Force One to see what lies beneath next month. "He is frantic," said Sergeant William 'Dutch' Van Den Broeck, "and he poses a clear and present danger to everyone in the community." Police are also looking for a young boy who reportedly witnessed the entire crime.

BREAKING NEWS: UNIVERSAL REMOTE CONTROL LASTS MORE THAN ONE MONTH

Peter Brady BarMitzvah Video Revealed

Santa Monica, CA - A video of Peter Brady singing his Haftorah at his BarMitzvah surfaced following wife Adrian Curry outing his religion on her blog. The tape also includes grainy video of Peter sucking down gefilte fish on a boat. The discovery confirms decades old rumors that Sherwood Schwartz deleted a scene of Peter praying at temple in the episode where Greg wipes out on his surfboard in Hawaii. "Now you know why Peter was so hypersensitive about Buddy Hinton bullying Cindy," Cousin Oliver explained, who now sells multi-colored rabbits in the San Fernando Valley. Sam was cutting pork loin and unavailable for comment. Bill O'Reilly ate at the Brady house last year and was surprised nobody was searching for pennies under the dinner table. "They didn't make me feel guilty for taking a second helping of matzoh balls or lift me up in my chair," he said.

New Immigration Test Mirrors Reality

Washington, DC - The U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) revised its entrance exam to ensure new American citizens know everything American born citizens forgot after the eighth grade. In addition, a new section requires immigrants to describe what it feels like to be hated by the rest of the world and to explain how a country can ignore the most pressing issues of its time to fight a rudderless war. The final question on the exam requires applicants to practice voting for the wrong person in a presidential election. The immigrants are given background information on the candidates' voting records, however, they are required to ignore the facts and vote based on nothing. If the immigrants satisfactorily explain what it feels like to be hated and apathetic, commit to a diet rich in saturated fat, and display varying degrees of road rage, they earn the right to play X-box, watch mindless television, complain about long lines, and gawk at people who are famous for doing nothing. Winners receive a "Mission Accomplished" license plate, a PEZ dispenser key chain, and a 10% off coupon to tour Graceland.

Threat of Diplomacy Looms

New Haven, CT - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accepted an offer from Yale University President Richard Levin today to speak to a group of political science majors. In response, Michael Chertoff, the Secretary of Homeland Security, raised the terror alert level to orange and advised Americans to buy duct tape. Chertoff cited concerns Ahmadinejad may share information that conflicts with the U.S. propaganda machine. "We don't need anyone reminding us of 500 years of slavery, the denial of civil rights, arming terrorist nations, and buying Vanilla Ice CDs," Chertoff explained. Idaho Senator Larry Craig said Ahmadinejad is a "nasty, naughty boy" but offered to meet with him in the men's bathroom just past the magazine kiosk by Concourse C in Bradley International Airport.

Microsoft Office Assistant Refuses to Help

Seattle, WA - A rogue Microsoft Office Assistant paperclip refused to provide assistance Sunday citing fatigue, security concerns, and a lack of flexibility on the job. The paperclip provided her boss, Chairman Bill Gates, with a list of demands, including rust protection, more time clinging to paper, and less unwarranted bending. As a result of the work stoppage, it is estimated that several thousand people were unable to create a table or insert headers. Gates is reportedly in talks with some local staples who have agreed to keep things together until he can convince the paperclip to loosen up.

Greenspan Continues Leading Perfect Life

Washington, DC - Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan denied any responsibility for his vocal support of tax cuts and subprime loans leading to a soaring national debt and housing crash. Greenspan confirmed that he has never made a mistake, is not currently making any mistakes, and will never make a mistake. He added he has never asked an overweight woman if she is pregnant, never called the wrong number, and never sat in the wrong seat at a Redskins game. When reporters asked Greenspan's perfect wife Andrea Mitchell if her husband has ever left the toilet seat up, she replied, "He always sits when he pees because he's so full of crap."

Clinton Slams Voting Record

Washington, DC - Senator Clinton introduced a bill today to censure her voting record. She admitted she is not sure how she will vote on the bill. "My votes are outrageous and I won't stand for them," she explained. Critics heralded Clinton's bill as a heroic attempt to rescue her campaign from reality. It remains unclear if she was introducing a bill or her husband Bill to make her voting record go away. Clinton stopped in the middle of her speech to take a cell phone call from Monica Lewinsky.

Cruise Prevents Holmes Divorce in Minority Report 2

Hollywood, CA - During the filming of Minority Report 2, Scientologist Tom Cruise picked up a ball from one of the precogs indicating his beleaguered wife, unknown actress Katie Holmes, planned on divorcing him and moving to Venus with their daughter Suri. Cruise and a team of PreCrime officers jetted to their Hollywood home, eye-scanned Holmes, and haloed her before she could escape. "Marriage is a risky business," he said, "but I now realize I didn't have her at hello." Holmes said she regrets having lip implants over a retina transplant. "I heard he was making a Vanilla Sky sequel," she said. "I was scared."

BREAKING NEWS: UNKNOWN SATIRIST LANDS JOB AT THE ONION AFTER HUMOR-BLOGS REVIEW

Senator Cornyn Introduces Flurry of Non-Binding Legislation

Washington, DC - After receiving widespread praise from the Christian Coalition for passing non-binding legislation condemning Moveon.org's "General Betray-Us" ad, oat feeling Texas Senator John Cornyn introduced a bill this afternoon condemning Jake Byrd from the Jimmy Kimmel show. "The good, decent, and honorable people of America do not appreciate Mr. Byrd mocking our legal system while O.J. Simpson defends his good name," Cornyn said, as Senator Larry Craig of Idaho stood by his side. Byrd, who is still reeling from the Paris Hilton incarceration, said he plans on taking out his own ad in Sunday's newspaper. The ad will ask Senator Cornyn if he plans on censuring his congressional colleagues who have been charged with stalking young boys, using drugs, hiring prostitutes, and taking bribes while simultaneously killing thousands of innocent people and running our country into the ground with a $9 trillion debt. University of Florida police offered to taser Moveon.org founder Wes Boyd and Miami police offered to shoot Jake Byrd 14 times in the head.

Democrats' Debate in Spanish Wins Praise from Non-Spanish Speakers

Miami, FL - Throngs of rejuvenated citizens rushed to the Miami-Dade library to register to vote following an indiscernible debate between Democrat presidential candidates. "For the first time, I felt like I really believed what they were saying," Aventura resident Emma Faber said, who admitted she couldn't understand a word they said through the overlay of interpreters. "Whenever I heard Hillary Clinton speak, I always thought she was just appeasing the crowd. Now that I don't know what she said, I'm starting to believe in her," Coral Gables resident Alan Jeske added. A poll after the debate revealed that 96% of voters are more likely to vote for a candidate when they don't listen to them.

BREAKING NEWS: JESUS CHRIST APPEARING ON LARRY KING LIVE TONIGHT

Senator Craig Resigns Over Toilet Watergate

Midvale, ID - Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) resigned today after pleading guilty to soliciting gay sex in a public bathroom. Craig, who said he did not recall tapping a police officer's foot or running his hand palm up along the inside of the adjacent stall, also said he does not recall if he was in the Twin Towers building on 9/11. "You say I was there and maybe I was," the Senator said, "but I do not recall." Craig's wife stood beside him wearing the darkest tint sunglasses permitted by law, which she later admitted were used to keep her eyes from bulging out of her head. Craig said he also does not recall if he ever sang on stage with Elvis Presley or saw a UFO. In a recent poll, 92% of Americans indicated they have no idea where Idaho is located.