NAACP Asks Nation to Divide Along Racial Lines for Vick Trial

Atlanta, GA - The NAACP issued a statement today asking black and white Americans to stop talking to each other in order to properly prepare for the Michael Vick trial. "It has been more than a decade since our country divided over the O.J. trial and we feel it's time to bring back that visceral racial hatred," Jim Cann, President of the NAACP said. "This has nothing to do with dogs," he added. "It is about other NFL teams wanting to win and framing Michael Vick to do it! If there are dead dogs, they belong to Peyton Manning!" In a public statement delivered from a bomb making factory, PETA President Claire Fortenberry said, "Unless white people buried dead dogs in Mr. Vick's backyard, this is not a racial issue." The black people accusing him of the crime decided not to comment since they already reached plea agreement deals implicating Vick. The NAACP said they could not be bothered with the details of the case and organized a march on Washington to end what they referred to as "the public lynching of a hometown hero". O.J. Simpson has offered to write an "If I Did It" sequel with Vick. From the top of a mountain, Reverend Jesse Jackson added, "Mr. Vick did not do the crime, he will not do the time, this is the work of slime, there will be no fine, we will not pay a dime, and he will sign."

Roberts Overturns Seizure

Rockport, ME - Three hours after suffering a seizure, Chief Justice John Roberts ruled it was unconstitutional on the grounds that he did not authorize it. In a 6-3 decision, Roberts also overturned his 1993 seizure, arguing in the majority opinion that "unlike creationism, it had no known origin and therefore can't be substantiated." Associate Justice John Paul Stevens wrote the dissenting opinion, arguing that "the seizure evolved over time and was likely caused by a disgruntled brain perplexed by the resilience of the Cheney heart." President Bush issued a statement asking everyone to "pray for the speedy recovery of this fine man while his brain goes through this difficult transition." Attorney General Alberto Gonzales thanked the President for his support.

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Gonzo Asks Tammy Faye to Sign Over Make-Up on Death Bed

Portland, OR – Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who is already under investigation for asking former Attorney General John Ashcroft to sign wiretapping papers while he was in a coma, reportedly visited Tammy Faye Messner in the hospital hours before she died of cancer. “He asked her to sign over her make-up collection to him,” Senator Russ Feingold said. “This guy is shameless.” L’Oreal spokeswoman Kitty Cartwright said, “Tammy Faye requested to be buried with all of her make-up on so if Mr. Gonzales wants it, he will have to get in the coffin with her.” In unrelated news, J.K. Rowling wrote a scathing e-mail to Scooter Libby after she discovered he revealed the ending to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows on his blog.

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Homeland Security Announces Greyhound Terror Hunch

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced new measures today to prevent what he described as a “telepathic feeling” that several Greyhound buses are going to explode, killing more than 73 people, and grievously wounding 12 more. Insisting we learn the lessons of September 16th, when he forgot his wife’s birthday, Chertoff enumerated a new list of boarding policies based on a 1933 Gestapo “Best Practices” handbook found lying behind a Jackson Pollock at a garage sale in Jasper, Texas. Chertoff admitted he did not have any specific intelligence, something his mother has been telling him since he cut his younger brother’s hair with a Black & Decker weed wacker. His announcement, however, caused more than 12,000 seniors at a retirement community in Florida to soil their pants.

Drivers will now be required to kick passengers’ luggage and bounce it on their heads to show support for David Beckham. They’ll also be required to stand in the rain to simulate queuing at Wimbledon and abstain from brushing their teeth. These measures are all intended to show our shared interests with England and persuade them to leave all 41 of their troops in Iraq until 2089 and remain our ally in the War on Building Terror. In addition, Homeland Security is requiring each passenger to wear a “W” t-shirt. Meat cleavers, cattle prods, and Chinese stars must be safely secured in overhead compartments and passengers must prove they don’t have any Dixie Chicks’ songs on their iPods.

Will travelers choose to skateboard instead? In a recent survey conducted by someone who was able to discard the bad surveys, only 56% of passengers said they would rather drown themselves than ride a Greyhound bus, a 2% decrease from last year.

Ironically, Secretary Chertoff’s fear mongering proved correct. Witnesses at Cracker Barrels at Exits 53, 54, and 55 reported hearing gunshots and later stated they found holes in some of their cheese. Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was arrested for shooting four of the greyhounds and will be arraigned tomorrow if the Falcons owner can find another quarterback.

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New Sunday School Curriculum Teaches Students Martial Arts to Defend Themselves Against Deviant Priests

Boston, MA - Priest Donald Cummings announced today that nuns will begin teaching students self-defense in lieu of piety and righteousness to protect themselves against unsolicited sexual advances from deviant priests in the Catholic Church. Jock straps will be optional.

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Lieberman Declares He Is No Longer a Vegetarian

Hartford, CT – After being spotted at Jackson’s Steakhouse eating filet mignon with Republican Senator Lindsey Graham, Independent Senator Joe “Mentum” Lieberman announced that he no longer eats anything green. “Meat only for this gun owner and lifelong hunter,” the one time Democrat and Vice-Presidential nominee said. Lieberman also disclosed that he no longer believes G-d promised Abraham the land of Israel or that fanny packs are necessary. Later that evening, Lieberman stated that he is no longer married and joined a group of lobbyists at The Cheetah for a lap dance.

Governor Encourages Florida Residents to Panic Now for Hurricane Season

Tallahassee, FL – Florida Governor Charlie Crist informed millions of consistently naïve and unprepared Floridians Monday that they should begin their annual pilgrimage of panic immediately. “We would like everyone to know that our weather forecasters are predicting 74 named storms this season,” Crist said, as he coiffed his hair. “Radio station 93 K-Rock is holding a contest to see if you can guess the names of all 74. The winner will receive a free day pass to Disneyworld!” he added. Florida residents heard the news and started screaming. A family in Little Havana began singing "La Vida Loca" and threw their children out the window. “How will I guess so many names?” Rodrigo Escobar of Opa Locka asked his eleven sons. Millions of citizens made spur of the moment decisions to wait as long as humanly possible to act, preparing to stand on gas lines and crash carts in the aisles of Publix to buy water and saltines they could have bought in May. “Irving, don’t you think you should get off the couch and call somebody about the shutters,” Frieda Zigelbaum of Tamarac asked her sleeping husband. “Enough with the damn shutters already,” he replied. “Do you think we should get a flashlight?” David Falcone of Coral Springs asked his mother. “What do you think I do all day? Sit home and watch television? Who do you think cleans the bathroom? If the lights go out, maybe I’ll get some sleep for once in my life” his mother replied. “Should we fill up a container with gasoline?” Neil Lasner of Miami Beach asked his wife. “And set the house on fire? Are you trying to blow us all up?” his wife asked. In a letter to the Governor, Florida residents pledged to do as little as possible as the 38th consecutive life threatening hurricane season approached. Insurance company executives began popping Zanex and Vicodin when they received the news. President Bush pledged support in the event of a natural disaster and asked the new FEMA Director, Napolean Dynamite, to be ready to tour the ravaged area.

Beckham Scores 14 Goals in U.S. Soccer Debut

Los Angeles, CA - International soccer star David Beckham displayed his goal scoring prowess Saturday at The Coliseum when he scored a record 14 goals to lead his team to a 14-0 victory over the Dallas Lonestars, who forfeited the match a day earlier citing an inability to field a team. No fans attended the match, however, a stadium vendor said that he did see someone on the field kicking a white ball. "Are the Raiders playing today?" a maintenance worker asked. Beckham's wife, Spice Girl Victoria Posh-Beckham, said she planned on posing for photographers after the game. Beckham plays his next match against the Newark Shotguns but nobody is expected to care.

McCain Announces 2012 Bid for White House

Phoenix, AZ – Sensing an end to his run for the White House in 2008, Senator John McCain announced today that he plans on running for President in 2012. After a CNN/USA Today poll revealed only 12% of Americans would support a McCain 2012 candidacy, McCain said he would not rule out running in 2016. McCain is scheduled to appear on Law & Order next month and continues to pray for a devastating terrorist attack in Arizona or an end to the normalization of relations with Vietnam. President Bush sought to console McCain with a hug and later gave him a massage on AirForce One. In exchange, McCain drew letters on Bush's back with his finger and asked him to guess what words he was spelling.

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Defective Pool Drain Sucks Family Into Ground

Charlotte, NC – A police report filed Thursday indicates that the entire Bergamo family of 17322 Kensington Lane was sucked into the ground while playing a game of Marco Polo in their pool. “All we found was a raft,” police officer Tony Bonacci said. “We tried yelling Marco but there was no reply.” AAA All About Pools and Excavation, the drain manufacturer, said they plan on developing drain covers and offered to dig up the family at no additional cost.

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Dallas Man Sues McDonald's for Making Him Lose Weight

Dallas, TX – Baseball card dealer Joey Paterno announced to a group of 14 year old kids at a baseball card show that he is suing McDonald's for $40 million for making him lose weight. Paterno alleges there is nothing bad left on the menu and the fast food chain has forced him to eat salads. “They’re using low fat cheese on the cheeseburgers. I'm starving,” Paterno said. McDonald's pledged to continue using discarded rubber tires and other recyclables in their McNuggets as part of their “Green Initiative” but said they had no plans to stop offering healthy alternatives. Wall Street Analysts predict the company will have a hard time surviving in the United States given Americans’ penchant for high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, and other saturated fats.