Tallahassee, FL – Florida Governor Charlie Crist informed millions of consistently naïve and unprepared Floridians Monday that they should begin their annual pilgrimage of panic immediately. “We would like everyone to know that our weather forecasters are predicting 74 named storms this season,” Crist said, as he coiffed his hair. “Radio station 93 K-Rock is holding a contest to see if you can guess the names of all 74. The winner will receive a free day pass to Disneyworld!” he added. Florida residents heard the news and started screaming. A family in Little Havana began singing "La Vida Loca" and threw their children out the window. “How will I guess so many names?” Rodrigo Escobar of Opa Locka asked his eleven sons. Millions of citizens made spur of the moment decisions to wait as long as humanly possible to act, preparing to stand on gas lines and crash carts in the aisles of Publix to buy water and saltines they could have bought in May. “Irving, don’t you think you should get off the couch and call somebody about the shutters,” Frieda Zigelbaum of Tamarac asked her sleeping husband. “Enough with the damn shutters already,” he replied. “Do you think we should get a flashlight?” David Falcone of Coral Springs asked his mother. “What do you think I do all day? Sit home and watch television? Who do you think cleans the bathroom? If the lights go out, maybe I’ll get some sleep for once in my life” his mother replied. “Should we fill up a container with gasoline?” Neil Lasner of Miami Beach asked his wife. “And set the house on fire? Are you trying to blow us all up?” his wife asked. In a letter to the Governor, Florida residents pledged to do as little as possible as the 38th consecutive life threatening hurricane season approached. Insurance company executives began popping Zanex and Vicodin when they received the news. President Bush pledged support in the event of a natural disaster and asked the new FEMA Director, Napolean Dynamite, to be ready to tour the ravaged area.
