Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced new measures today to prevent what he described as a “telepathic feeling” that several Greyhound buses are going to explode, killing more than 73 people, and grievously wounding 12 more. Insisting we learn the lessons of September 16th, when he forgot his wife’s birthday, Chertoff enumerated a new list of boarding policies based on a 1933 Gestapo “Best Practices” handbook found lying behind a Jackson Pollock at a garage sale in Jasper, Texas. Chertoff admitted he did not have any specific intelligence, something his mother has been telling him since he cut his younger brother’s hair with a Black & Decker weed wacker. His announcement, however, caused more than 12,000 seniors at a retirement community in Florida to soil their pants.
Drivers will now be required to kick passengers’ luggage and bounce it on their heads to show support for David Beckham. They’ll also be required to stand in the rain to simulate queuing at Wimbledon and abstain from brushing their teeth. These measures are all intended to show our shared interests with England and persuade them to leave all 41 of their troops in Iraq until 2089 and remain our ally in the War on Building Terror. In addition, Homeland Security is requiring each passenger to wear a “W” t-shirt. Meat cleavers, cattle prods, and Chinese stars must be safely secured in overhead compartments and passengers must prove they don’t have any Dixie Chicks’ songs on their iPods.
Will travelers choose to skateboard instead? In a recent survey conducted by someone who was able to discard the bad surveys, only 56% of passengers said they would rather drown themselves than ride a Greyhound bus, a 2% decrease from last year.
Ironically, Secretary Chertoff’s fear mongering proved correct. Witnesses at Cracker Barrels at Exits 53, 54, and 55 reported hearing gunshots and later stated they found holes in some of their cheese. Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was arrested for shooting four of the greyhounds and will be arraigned tomorrow if the Falcons owner can find another quarterback.
