Clinton Whacks Giuliani

New York, NY - As a follow-up to her Sopranos campaign ad and in an effort to illustrate her spontaneity, Hillary Clinton opened fire on Republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani outside Buona Notte Ristorante on Mulberry Street. Clinton pumped 30 rounds into the former mayor's chest before smoking a cigar and making her getaway in a tinted Cadillac Seville. Witnesses reported seeing Nicky "The Pig" Gravano and Hector "The Toad" Ribera in the backseat. The NYPD arrived on the scene, thought they saw Giuliani carrying a gun, and shot him 12 more times. At the Clinton Headquarters, police found plans to bury Mitt Romney under the new Yankee Stadium.

Steinbrenner Fires Torre, Hires Martin

Bronx, NY - New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner fired manager Joe Torre today after the team's slowest start in 13 years. The "boss" announced he would rehire Billy Martin to coach the team for the seventh time. Steinbrenner hopes Martin, who died in a car crash in 1989, will be able to resurrect the slumping Yankees. Mickey Mantle is expected to play centerfield.

Congress Launches Bush to Mars

Washington, DC – Congress passed a bill today allocating $20 million to send President Bush on a space mission to Mars. The bill, entitled “Operation American Freedom”, was co-sponsored by 535 members of Congress, 300 million Americans, and the other 6,602,224,175 people on the planet. The President signed the bill into law after Congress agreed to attach $40 billion in faith based initiatives to teach immigrants the myths surrounding evolution and another $75 billion to build childcare centers for stem cells so they don’t have to stay in their Petri dishes. The voyage is NASA’s third attempt to Mars and the most risky given their abatement of a plan to patch football field size holes in the shuttle’s orbiter. “I’m going to ask the Prime Minister of Mars if he gets nose bleeds up there,” Bush snickered. The mission, which NASA dubbed “America’s Surge”, is scheduled to take place as soon as humanly possible. Bush scurried back to the White House to pack his Family Guy coloring book and kaleidoscope.

Jolie-Pitt Fetus Named "Sexiest Man Alive"

Hollywood, CA – Editors at People magazine recently named the unborn fetus of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt “The Sexiest Man Alive”. The announcement marks the end of a 13-year run by Matthew McConaughey, who reportedly put his shirt back on when he heard the news. The unnamed fetus was unavailable for comment but posed in the fetal position for a photo shoot with Anne Geddes.

O.J. Sees Killer

Coral Gables, FL – The Nordstroms at the Sunset Mall has been closed until further notice following an incident involving Heisman trophy winner O.J. Simpson earlier in the day. A store security guard reported that Simpson was shopping in the shoe department when he ran out of the dressing room. He was screaming, “I saw him, I saw the man who murdered my wife!” Police cordoned off the area and replayed the surveillance videos. “All we found in the dressing room was a pair of Bruno Magli shoes and a mirror,” said the Chief of Security. “We didn’t find any fingerprints.” Simpson was later found on the 19th hole at The Doral with his most recent concubine. He was drinking Cuervo Gold, smoking a Cuban Edicion Limitada cigar, and wearing a pair of white golfing gloves. When police arrived on the scene, they joined him.

Post Office Delivers Unmitigated Annoyance to Americans

Langley, VA – The United States Post Office issued a press release today at 2:42 pm stating that they are raising stamp prices by one cent effective Friday. This is their second announcement of the day. At 9:50 am, they announced they would be raising stamp prices by two cents effective immediately. Americans flooded the streets with “Stop the Fleecing!” signs and hanged the Postmaster General in effigy. Mike Walters, the President of Americans Against Inane and Relentless Stamp Increases, threatened to throw his childhood stamp collection into the Boston Harbor, with the exception of his 1984 Sarajevo Olympic ice skating stamps. “Usually they give us a chance to go out and buy the stamps before they announce another hike and force us all to buy the one cent stamps,” he said. While standing on a three-mile line at her local post office, a customer added, “I just got the one cent stamps and now I have to get two cent stamps to go with the one cent stamps. My husband told me I could just get three cent stamps to go with my 39 cent stamps but I still have 37 cent stamps so I think I’ll get five cent stamps but then I would still be stuck with the 39 cent stamps.” Shortly after speaking with us, the customer pulled out a gun and shot herself in the head. To offset customer complaints, the Post Office handed out free popping paper and Snoopy adhesive labels and announced that they will be issuing a new stamp, called the “Endless Stamp”, which shows a picture of Anna Nicole Smith on the evening news. It can be used for any purpose. In an ironic twist of events, disgruntled customers entered a Post Office on 23rd and H Street in Washington, D.C. and began shooting the mailmen. Police were unable to enter the crime scene. Apparently the doors had been sealed shut with one-cent stamps and the Postmaster General was wrapped with packing tape and stuffed into a FedEx box. The U.S. Post Office issued a statement that to compensate for costs incurred as a result of the attack, they will be raising the price of a first class stamp by one cent effective Monday.

Rose Wilts Under Spotlight

Cincinnati, OH – In 1987, all-time hits leader Pete Rose rented “The Goonies” from the Blockbuster on Batten Road. Rose once said that Dodgers Coach Tommy LaSorda reminded him of the character “Chunk” and Reds owner Marge Schott looked a lot like “Mama Fratelli”. For years, Rose claimed he returned the movie in the night drop box three days after renting it and buying some twizzlers. Blockbuster officials repeatedly said they never received it and threatened to ban Rose from their “If it’s not here, you get a free rental” offer. In a news conference from his driveway this afternoon, Rose admitted that he never returned the video. “I’m ashamed,” he said. “I’ve kept it a secret all these years. I’ll do whatever I have to do if they let me back in.” Rose, who reportedly owes the video chain $84,395, did not confirm if he would pay the fine. When reporters asked him if he would consider a subscription to Netflix, which has unlimited rental times, Rose quietly replied, “I’d bet on it.”

Undercooked Lobster Claws Man's Nose

Martha’s Vineyard, MA – John Hogue, a tourist enjoying his summer vacation with his family in Edgartown, was rushed to Martha’s Vineyard Hospital after an undercooked Maine lobster clamped down on his nose while eating dinner at the Seafood Shanty. The hospital was unable to treat him because all of the doctors and nurses were busy providing drug and alcohol treatment to five generations of Kennedys. The chef apologized for the incident and insisted that it was “the first time anything like that has happened since an undercooked octopus wrapped its legs around an elderly woman’s face and sucked off her eyebrows.” Rose Kennedy, 118, offered to drive Hogue to a doctor’s office near her home across the Dike bridge on Chappaquiddick Island. Hogue has been missing for two days.

Tinky Winky Delivers Falwell Farewell

Lynchburg, VA – Reverend Jerry Falwell collapsed and died Tuesday in his Liberty University office. His secretary reported that he was watching an episode of Charm School when he fell out of his chair and hit his head on a Jefferson Davis bust given to him by Strom Thurmond. At his funeral Thursday, Teletubby Tinky Winky delivered the eulogy. “I never paid much attention to him,” Winky said, “because I knew he hated Jews even more than me so I didn’t take it personally.” Falwell, who had difficulty separating cartoon from reality, and insisted Hurricane Katrina was the Lord’s way of punishing gays, had accused Winky of being a perverse homosexual. Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po did not attend the service and were unavailable to comment. Pallbearers included Ted Haggard and Mark Foley. In lieu of flowers, the Falwell family is asking mourners to send donations to the Foundation to Preserve Heterosexual Marriage or the National Society to Save Stem Cells.

Sea Turtles Caught Laughing

Key Biscayne, FL – In 1991, legislation drafted by the National Wildlife Institute required city officials to take steps to protect turtle eggs under the Endangered Species Act. Public sentiment has changed in recent years, especially among beach visitors. “The turtle nests are usually empty,” resident Mandy Chambliss said, as she lugged chairs, buckets, and shovels with her three children trying to find an empty spot on the beach. “There isn’t anywhere left to sit,” she added. Floridians have long suspected the turtles were taking advantage of the law. Recently, Noah Hagin, a Key Biscayne lifeguard, reported seeing three turtles laughing on their way back into the ocean. “I asked them what was so funny,” Hagin said. “They just kept laughing through their flippers. When I checked their nests, there was nothing in them.” PETA spokesman Paul Gittleson insisted the turtles were laughing at a joke about a group of dysfunctional hammerhead sharks. He later threatened to set the lifeguard stations on fire if they disturbed the nests.

CIA Proposes Adding Side to Pentagon

Langley, Virginia - After failing to heed 9/11 warnings, newly elected CIA Director Robert Gates decided he wants to improve the agency. His first step involves expanding the Pentagon to provide a new wing for people who actually know what the hell they're doing. The headquarters, which will now be called the Sextagon, is a more fitting name for the politicians and employees who inhabit it. President Bush approved the plan but requested a sketch of the new building so he could see its shape.

Thomas Finds Pubic Hair in Cheeseburger

Washington, D.C. - Clarence Thomas, the Machiavellian Supreme Court Justice who prides himself on preserving the financial dominance of every last corporate conglomerate and hanging every little guy out to dry, reported finding a pubic hair in his Old Ebbitt Grill cheeseburger Tuesday. "I want this restaurant closed down!" he shouted. The restaurant manager, a small business owner, offered Judge Thomas a refund. When Thomas objected and threatened to bring a $40 million suit, the manager said refunds are stare decisis and returned to the kitchen. "Did he eat it?" the chef asked. "No, but he saw it Anita," the manager replied.

Teacher Admits "No Purpose for Geometry"

Westfield, NJ - Mrs. Fisher, a high school Geometry teacher, confessed to her students today what they had long believed: there is no reason to learn Geometry. "I knew it!" said Pete Kopache, a ninth grade student. "I'll never use it. My father is 42 and he still hasn't used it." Students have written about the practical application of Geometry in underground newspapers since the 1960's, concluding that there is no use for prisms, spheres, equilateral polygons, and parallelograms. Administrators scrambled to replace the class with something that might prepare students for the real world. The scandal broke following a pregnant pause when a student asked the proverbial high school question, "Why do we have to learn this?" Mrs. Fisher, a self-described intercept addict, couldn't answer the question and instead, beads of sweat dripping from her forehead, began diagramming the area of a trapezoid. "I told them that it's fun," she said, "but that it is really just a requirement."

Bush Creeps Out Merkel at G8 Summit

Heiligendamm, Germany - President Bush joined world leaders this week to discuss global climate change, nuclear weapons, and trade agreements. "The guy gives me the heebie-jeebies," German Chancellor Angela Merkel said. "The last time I saw George, he tried massaging my shoulders. When I spoke with him on the phone last night, he asked me what I was wearing." White House Advisor Karl Rove defended the President's question by insisting Bush thought it would be neat if all of the leaders matched their outfits. "Angelina, or Angie as I like to call her, we're friends," Bush said. "We're collaborators. We coordinate. Our alliance is rooted in collaboration and coordination. She sort of looks like a man so I thought the German folks would like it if we both wore a blue suit." Later in the evening, Bush added, "As the Queen of her country, she has many duties and I respect her stewardship. I look forward to working with Angie and the other V8 leaders to bring about important changes here in Asia."

Cheney Authorizes Hilton Torture

Beverly Hills, CA - Citing authority granted to him under the Patriot Act, Vice-President Dick Cheney ordered Paris Hilton to be tortured following her release from jail until she discloses her alleged medical condition. Interrogators removed Hilton's hair extensions and cell phone SIM and threw away her favorite cupcakes from Mrs. Beasley's Gourmet. Despite flailing her arms and begging for mercy, the CIA continued to torture the heiress by forcing her to wear underwear and removing her dog Tinkerbell's tiara. After threatening to cancel her DirectTV subscription and return her DVR, Paris finally admitted to suffering from delusions of filming a sex tape in the jail with one of the guards. "I couldn't take not being in the spotlight anymore," she said. "I totally learned my lesson. Like, the next time I come to jail, I'm bringing a video camera."

Mother Shatters Headache Record

Palm Beach, FL - Courtney Walczak misses the times when motorcycles used to rev their engines as they sped past her house and dogs barked through the night as dazed party goers returned home and slammed their car doors. Courtney's three year old son Jared has her ears ringing into the record books. Jared, whose parents nicknamed him "meltdown" after he threw a fit when they wouldn't let him play with an alligator at the Palm Beach Zoo, launched his latest tantrum when his Tickle Me Elmo doll refused to giggle when tickled, dance the hokey pokey, or perform the limbo in his Hawaiian shirt. He expressed his displeasure by playing his piano with both fists. "I've had a headache for two years, four months, and 12 days," a delirious Walczak said. Walczak certified the headache by providing evidence of 34 empty Motrin bottles. When asked why she kept them, she replied, "I haven't had time to take the garbage out since 2005." The previous record was set by Monica Greely of Detroit, Michigan. Her son Colby said "NO!" 84 times in a ten minute span, threw his Tonka truck at her grandfather's urn, and screamed until her storm shutters came down during his record setting performance. Walczak will be inducted into the Parenting Hall of Fame later this month where she will be presented with a one hour nap.

Pelosi Declines Leading Role

Hollywood, CA - Nancy Pelosi announced today that she would not accept an offer to star in the upcoming movie Scream 5. This is the third movie deal Pelosi has declined since assuming the role of Speaker of the House in January. She was offered the lead role in Shrek the Fourth and Bram Stoker's Dracula. "I am committed to the people's business," she said. "I did not come to Washington to act."

Gore Questioned in Pool Accident

Granville, TN - All Tommy Sinegra, Jr. wanted to do was take a swim. At approximately 1:15 pm this afternoon, neighbors reported seeing little Tommy jump into his neighbor's pool wearing his birthday hat and a Sponge Bob bathing suit. He had been waiting for a group of friends to arrive for his tenth birthday party. "I guess he didn't look before he jumped," former Vice-President Al Gore said. "I drained that pool two months ago and used the water for landscape and agricultural irrigation, toilet flushing, and a ground water basin." Tommy, Sr. was unable to rush his son to the hospital where he would have been treated for minor injuries because Gore drained the gasoline from his car and used it to make petroleum wax to manufacture candles to light his home.

Native Americans Welcome Queen to Jamestown

Jamestown, VA - Native Americans greeted Queen Elizabeth today and held a ceremony in her honor to commemorate the 400 year anniversary of the arrival of British settlers in Jamestown. The Jamestown colony, which led to the killing and displacement of indigenous Native Americans, was founded by Captain John Smith in 1607. Tribal dancers entertained the Queen and Chief Mahkah presented her with a Kachina doll and a Dream Catcher, much to her delight. "They are a lovely people and we do regret the horrors they suffered those 400 years ago," her Royal Majesty said. Following a tea and crumpets reception in Williamsburg, the Native Americans plan on shooting the Queen.

Bonds Breaks Record

San Francisco, CA - A rookie in 1986, fans have watched Barry Bonds grow from a 157 lb. Pirate to a 240 lb. Giant. Critics have questioned his growth spurt, atypical for a 43 year old. In front of a home crowd of 48,020, Bonds broke the all-time record for mood disturbances today, previously held by right fielder Jose Canseco. Bonds recorded his 411th documented case of psychosis and 831st aggressive act when he argued with a fan about a called strike three. Bonds later apologized to the fan, a six month old baby, who was crying at the time because her pacifier fell on the ground.