Clinton Whacks Giuliani

New York, NY - As a follow-up to her Sopranos campaign ad and in an effort to illustrate her spontaneity, Hillary Clinton opened fire on Republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani outside Buona Notte Ristorante on Mulberry Street. Clinton pumped 30 rounds into the former mayor's chest before smoking a cigar and making her getaway in a tinted Cadillac Seville. Witnesses reported seeing Nicky "The Pig" Gravano and Hector "The Toad" Ribera in the backseat. The NYPD arrived on the scene, thought they saw Giuliani carrying a gun, and shot him 12 more times. At the Clinton Headquarters, police found plans to bury Mitt Romney under the new Yankee Stadium.

Steinbrenner Fires Torre, Hires Martin

Bronx, NY - New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner fired manager Joe Torre today after the team's slowest start in 13 years. The "boss" announced he would rehire Billy Martin to coach the team for the seventh time. Steinbrenner hopes Martin, who died in a car crash in 1989, will be able to resurrect the slumping Yankees. Mickey Mantle is expected to play centerfield.

Congress Launches Bush to Mars

Washington, DC – Congress passed a bill today allocating $20 million to send President Bush on a space mission to Mars. The bill, entitled “Operation American Freedom”, was co-sponsored by 535 members of Congress, 300 million Americans, and the other 6,602,224,175 people on the planet. The President signed the bill into law after Congress agreed to attach $40 billion in faith based initiatives to teach immigrants the myths surrounding evolution and another $75 billion to build childcare centers for stem cells so they don’t have to stay in their Petri dishes. The voyage is NASA’s third attempt to Mars and the most risky given their abatement of a plan to patch football field size holes in the shuttle’s orbiter. “I’m going to ask the Prime Minister of Mars if he gets nose bleeds up there,” Bush snickered. The mission, which NASA dubbed “America’s Surge”, is scheduled to take place as soon as humanly possible. Bush scurried back to the White House to pack his Family Guy coloring book and kaleidoscope.

Jolie-Pitt Fetus Named "Sexiest Man Alive"

Hollywood, CA – Editors at People magazine recently named the unborn fetus of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt “The Sexiest Man Alive”. The announcement marks the end of a 13-year run by Matthew McConaughey, who reportedly put his shirt back on when he heard the news. The unnamed fetus was unavailable for comment but posed in the fetal position for a photo shoot with Anne Geddes.

O.J. Sees Killer

Coral Gables, FL – The Nordstroms at the Sunset Mall has been closed until further notice following an incident involving Heisman trophy winner O.J. Simpson earlier in the day. A store security guard reported that Simpson was shopping in the shoe department when he ran out of the dressing room. He was screaming, “I saw him, I saw the man who murdered my wife!” Police cordoned off the area and replayed the surveillance videos. “All we found in the dressing room was a pair of Bruno Magli shoes and a mirror,” said the Chief of Security. “We didn’t find any fingerprints.” Simpson was later found on the 19th hole at The Doral with his most recent concubine. He was drinking Cuervo Gold, smoking a Cuban Edicion Limitada cigar, and wearing a pair of white golfing gloves. When police arrived on the scene, they joined him.

Post Office Delivers Unmitigated Annoyance to Americans

Langley, VA – The United States Post Office issued a press release today at 2:42 pm stating that they are raising stamp prices by one cent effective Friday. This is their second announcement of the day. At 9:50 am, they announced they would be raising stamp prices by two cents effective immediately. Americans flooded the streets with “Stop the Fleecing!” signs and hanged the Postmaster General in effigy. Mike Walters, the President of Americans Against Inane and Relentless Stamp Increases, threatened to throw his childhood stamp collection into the Boston Harbor, with the exception of his 1984 Sarajevo Olympic ice skating stamps. “Usually they give us a chance to go out and buy the stamps before they announce another hike and force us all to buy the one cent stamps,” he said. While standing on a three-mile line at her local post office, a customer added, “I just got the one cent stamps and now I have to get two cent stamps to go with the one cent stamps. My husband told me I could just get three cent stamps to go with my 39 cent stamps but I still have 37 cent stamps so I think I’ll get five cent stamps but then I would still be stuck with the 39 cent stamps.” Shortly after speaking with us, the customer pulled out a gun and shot herself in the head. To offset customer complaints, the Post Office handed out free popping paper and Snoopy adhesive labels and announced that they will be issuing a new stamp, called the “Endless Stamp”, which shows a picture of Anna Nicole Smith on the evening news. It can be used for any purpose. In an ironic twist of events, disgruntled customers entered a Post Office on 23rd and H Street in Washington, D.C. and began shooting the mailmen. Police were unable to enter the crime scene. Apparently the doors had been sealed shut with one-cent stamps and the Postmaster General was wrapped with packing tape and stuffed into a FedEx box. The U.S. Post Office issued a statement that to compensate for costs incurred as a result of the attack, they will be raising the price of a first class stamp by one cent effective Monday.

Rose Wilts Under Spotlight

Cincinnati, OH – In 1987, all-time hits leader Pete Rose rented “The Goonies” from the Blockbuster on Batten Road. Rose once said that Dodgers Coach Tommy LaSorda reminded him of the character “Chunk” and Reds owner Marge Schott looked a lot like “Mama Fratelli”. For years, Rose claimed he returned the movie in the night drop box three days after renting it and buying some twizzlers. Blockbuster officials repeatedly said they never received it and threatened to ban Rose from their “If it’s not here, you get a free rental” offer. In a news conference from his driveway this afternoon, Rose admitted that he never returned the video. “I’m ashamed,” he said. “I’ve kept it a secret all these years. I’ll do whatever I have to do if they let me back in.” Rose, who reportedly owes the video chain $84,395, did not confirm if he would pay the fine. When reporters asked him if he would consider a subscription to Netflix, which has unlimited rental times, Rose quietly replied, “I’d bet on it.”

Undercooked Lobster Claws Man's Nose

Martha’s Vineyard, MA – John Hogue, a tourist enjoying his summer vacation with his family in Edgartown, was rushed to Martha’s Vineyard Hospital after an undercooked Maine lobster clamped down on his nose while eating dinner at the Seafood Shanty. The hospital was unable to treat him because all of the doctors and nurses were busy providing drug and alcohol treatment to five generations of Kennedys. The chef apologized for the incident and insisted that it was “the first time anything like that has happened since an undercooked octopus wrapped its legs around an elderly woman’s face and sucked off her eyebrows.” Rose Kennedy, 118, offered to drive Hogue to a doctor’s office near her home across the Dike bridge on Chappaquiddick Island. Hogue has been missing for two days.

Tinky Winky Delivers Falwell Farewell

Lynchburg, VA – Reverend Jerry Falwell collapsed and died Tuesday in his Liberty University office. His secretary reported that he was watching an episode of Charm School when he fell out of his chair and hit his head on a Jefferson Davis bust given to him by Strom Thurmond. At his funeral Thursday, Teletubby Tinky Winky delivered the eulogy. “I never paid much attention to him,” Winky said, “because I knew he hated Jews even more than me so I didn’t take it personally.” Falwell, who had difficulty separating cartoon from reality, and insisted Hurricane Katrina was the Lord’s way of punishing gays, had accused Winky of being a perverse homosexual. Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po did not attend the service and were unavailable to comment. Pallbearers included Ted Haggard and Mark Foley. In lieu of flowers, the Falwell family is asking mourners to send donations to the Foundation to Preserve Heterosexual Marriage or the National Society to Save Stem Cells.

Sea Turtles Caught Laughing

Key Biscayne, FL – In 1991, legislation drafted by the National Wildlife Institute required city officials to take steps to protect turtle eggs under the Endangered Species Act. Public sentiment has changed in recent years, especially among beach visitors. “The turtle nests are usually empty,” resident Mandy Chambliss said, as she lugged chairs, buckets, and shovels with her three children trying to find an empty spot on the beach. “There isn’t anywhere left to sit,” she added. Floridians have long suspected the turtles were taking advantage of the law. Recently, Noah Hagin, a Key Biscayne lifeguard, reported seeing three turtles laughing on their way back into the ocean. “I asked them what was so funny,” Hagin said. “They just kept laughing through their flippers. When I checked their nests, there was nothing in them.” PETA spokesman Paul Gittleson insisted the turtles were laughing at a joke about a group of dysfunctional hammerhead sharks. He later threatened to set the lifeguard stations on fire if they disturbed the nests.

CIA Proposes Adding Side to Pentagon

Langley, Virginia - After failing to heed 9/11 warnings, newly elected CIA Director Robert Gates decided he wants to improve the agency. His first step involves expanding the Pentagon to provide a new wing for people who actually know what the hell they're doing. The headquarters, which will now be called the Sextagon, is a more fitting name for the politicians and employees who inhabit it. President Bush approved the plan but requested a sketch of the new building so he could see its shape.

Thomas Finds Pubic Hair in Cheeseburger

Washington, D.C. - Clarence Thomas, the Machiavellian Supreme Court Justice who prides himself on preserving the financial dominance of every last corporate conglomerate and hanging every little guy out to dry, reported finding a pubic hair in his Old Ebbitt Grill cheeseburger Tuesday. "I want this restaurant closed down!" he shouted. The restaurant manager, a small business owner, offered Judge Thomas a refund. When Thomas objected and threatened to bring a $40 million suit, the manager said refunds are stare decisis and returned to the kitchen. "Did he eat it?" the chef asked. "No, but he saw it Anita," the manager replied.

Teacher Admits "No Purpose for Geometry"

Westfield, NJ - Mrs. Fisher, a high school Geometry teacher, confessed to her students today what they had long believed: there is no reason to learn Geometry. "I knew it!" said Pete Kopache, a ninth grade student. "I'll never use it. My father is 42 and he still hasn't used it." Students have written about the practical application of Geometry in underground newspapers since the 1960's, concluding that there is no use for prisms, spheres, equilateral polygons, and parallelograms. Administrators scrambled to replace the class with something that might prepare students for the real world. The scandal broke following a pregnant pause when a student asked the proverbial high school question, "Why do we have to learn this?" Mrs. Fisher, a self-described intercept addict, couldn't answer the question and instead, beads of sweat dripping from her forehead, began diagramming the area of a trapezoid. "I told them that it's fun," she said, "but that it is really just a requirement."

Bush Creeps Out Merkel at G8 Summit

Heiligendamm, Germany - President Bush joined world leaders this week to discuss global climate change, nuclear weapons, and trade agreements. "The guy gives me the heebie-jeebies," German Chancellor Angela Merkel said. "The last time I saw George, he tried massaging my shoulders. When I spoke with him on the phone last night, he asked me what I was wearing." White House Advisor Karl Rove defended the President's question by insisting Bush thought it would be neat if all of the leaders matched their outfits. "Angelina, or Angie as I like to call her, we're friends," Bush said. "We're collaborators. We coordinate. Our alliance is rooted in collaboration and coordination. She sort of looks like a man so I thought the German folks would like it if we both wore a blue suit." Later in the evening, Bush added, "As the Queen of her country, she has many duties and I respect her stewardship. I look forward to working with Angie and the other V8 leaders to bring about important changes here in Asia."

Cheney Authorizes Hilton Torture

Beverly Hills, CA - Citing authority granted to him under the Patriot Act, Vice-President Dick Cheney ordered Paris Hilton to be tortured following her release from jail until she discloses her alleged medical condition. Interrogators removed Hilton's hair extensions and cell phone SIM and threw away her favorite cupcakes from Mrs. Beasley's Gourmet. Despite flailing her arms and begging for mercy, the CIA continued to torture the heiress by forcing her to wear underwear and removing her dog Tinkerbell's tiara. After threatening to cancel her DirectTV subscription and return her DVR, Paris finally admitted to suffering from delusions of filming a sex tape in the jail with one of the guards. "I couldn't take not being in the spotlight anymore," she said. "I totally learned my lesson. Like, the next time I come to jail, I'm bringing a video camera."

Mother Shatters Headache Record

Palm Beach, FL - Courtney Walczak misses the times when motorcycles used to rev their engines as they sped past her house and dogs barked through the night as dazed party goers returned home and slammed their car doors. Courtney's three year old son Jared has her ears ringing into the record books. Jared, whose parents nicknamed him "meltdown" after he threw a fit when they wouldn't let him play with an alligator at the Palm Beach Zoo, launched his latest tantrum when his Tickle Me Elmo doll refused to giggle when tickled, dance the hokey pokey, or perform the limbo in his Hawaiian shirt. He expressed his displeasure by playing his piano with both fists. "I've had a headache for two years, four months, and 12 days," a delirious Walczak said. Walczak certified the headache by providing evidence of 34 empty Motrin bottles. When asked why she kept them, she replied, "I haven't had time to take the garbage out since 2005." The previous record was set by Monica Greely of Detroit, Michigan. Her son Colby said "NO!" 84 times in a ten minute span, threw his Tonka truck at her grandfather's urn, and screamed until her storm shutters came down during his record setting performance. Walczak will be inducted into the Parenting Hall of Fame later this month where she will be presented with a one hour nap.

Pelosi Declines Leading Role

Hollywood, CA - Nancy Pelosi announced today that she would not accept an offer to star in the upcoming movie Scream 5. This is the third movie deal Pelosi has declined since assuming the role of Speaker of the House in January. She was offered the lead role in Shrek the Fourth and Bram Stoker's Dracula. "I am committed to the people's business," she said. "I did not come to Washington to act."

Gore Questioned in Pool Accident

Granville, TN - All Tommy Sinegra, Jr. wanted to do was take a swim. At approximately 1:15 pm this afternoon, neighbors reported seeing little Tommy jump into his neighbor's pool wearing his birthday hat and a Sponge Bob bathing suit. He had been waiting for a group of friends to arrive for his tenth birthday party. "I guess he didn't look before he jumped," former Vice-President Al Gore said. "I drained that pool two months ago and used the water for landscape and agricultural irrigation, toilet flushing, and a ground water basin." Tommy, Sr. was unable to rush his son to the hospital where he would have been treated for minor injuries because Gore drained the gasoline from his car and used it to make petroleum wax to manufacture candles to light his home.

Native Americans Welcome Queen to Jamestown

Jamestown, VA - Native Americans greeted Queen Elizabeth today and held a ceremony in her honor to commemorate the 400 year anniversary of the arrival of British settlers in Jamestown. The Jamestown colony, which led to the killing and displacement of indigenous Native Americans, was founded by Captain John Smith in 1607. Tribal dancers entertained the Queen and Chief Mahkah presented her with a Kachina doll and a Dream Catcher, much to her delight. "They are a lovely people and we do regret the horrors they suffered those 400 years ago," her Royal Majesty said. Following a tea and crumpets reception in Williamsburg, the Native Americans plan on shooting the Queen.

Bonds Breaks Record

San Francisco, CA - A rookie in 1986, fans have watched Barry Bonds grow from a 157 lb. Pirate to a 240 lb. Giant. Critics have questioned his growth spurt, atypical for a 43 year old. In front of a home crowd of 48,020, Bonds broke the all-time record for mood disturbances today, previously held by right fielder Jose Canseco. Bonds recorded his 411th documented case of psychosis and 831st aggressive act when he argued with a fan about a called strike three. Bonds later apologized to the fan, a six month old baby, who was crying at the time because her pacifier fell on the ground.

Jolie Adopts Fourth Child

Hollywood, CA – Movie star, model, human rights activist, and mother Angelina Jolie shares three adopted children and a biological daughter with boyfriend Brad Pitt. Jolie announced today that Maddox, Pax, Zahara, and Shiloh have a new sister. “I traveled the world looking for the most downtrodden children,” Jolie said, fighting back tears. “I met a leper named Peter in Zimbabwe and a girl with Typhoid fever in Honduras. It was heart wrenching. I almost took home a boy in East Timor with SARS but I wanted to make sure I was choosing someone who is devastatingly sick so I adopted Lindsey Lohan.”

FBI Offers $5,000 Reward for Democrats' Backbone

Washington, DC – An MRI of the Democratic leadership in Congress revealed the majority of members are missing their backbone, the series of vertebrae that prop up the spine and allow people to make moral decisions with conviction. Doctors were unable to explain how the Congressmen continued working spinelessly; however, they suggested that when people do something for an extended period of time, sometimes the body adjusts and allows them to continue with minimal discomfort. When asked why more reward money was not being offered for the missing backbones, FBI Director Robert Mueller replied that even when they had it, they so rarely used it that we had a hard time justifying an increase in the bounty.

Publix Customer Dies at Deli Counter

Deerfield Beach, FL - Katie Margolis wanted a turkey and Swiss cheese sub on wheat with tomatoes, onions, lettuce, olives, green peppers, oil and vinegar. She would never get the chance. A part-time sales clerk at Claire's, Margolis entered the Deerfield Beach Publix on Federal Highway at age 17. She was pronounced dead still waiting on the deli counter line at 1:06 pm Tuesday. Margolis was found holding ticket number 4 and a small bag of Doritos. She was 89. Customers reported seeing Margolis waiting on the line for years. "I remember getting some potato salad in January and she was on that line," a distraught customer said. It remains unknown why the seven deli clerks on duty continued to wash the meat slicing machine, fix the saran wrap dispenser, sweep the floor, and pack wings without making eye contact with any of the customers.

Groundhog Day Replaying in Theatres

Punxsutawney, PA - Bill Murray's surprise hit movie Groundhog Day will be re-released in theatres this weekend. Theatre goers are expected to forget they saw it the first time and see it again. Phil Connors, the character played by Murray, said he expects his alarm clock to go off before the start time but doubts he will be able to make the premier due to an unpredicted snow storm. He added that he is sure he will have time to see it tomorrow at the premier.

Rice Smile Causes 8% Drop in Chinese Stocks

Beijing, China - Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice led a group of American diplomatic envoys on a trip to China yesterday to discuss Asian-American trade agreements. Within 24 hours of her arrival, the group was shuttled back to Beijing International Airport after a catastrophic dinner incident with Prime Minister Surayud Chulanont. "I told her a joke," he said, "and she laughed. People started to panic and wonder why a woman like this has not visited a dentist. It caused great bewilderment among the Chinese people. Fear set in and people began liquidating their assets." After an 8% drop in Chinese stocks, the Prime Minister issued a statement reassuring the 1.3 billion Chinese people that the Secretary of State had left the country and that it was time to resume their normal life under a ruthless communist regime.

Bush Ad-Lib Starts War in Northern Ireland

Washington, DC - President Bush ignited smothering religious flames in Northern Ireland today when he insisted that the "troubles" had not ended, but failed to mention that he was referring to the academic troubles in Regev. Unbeknownst to Bush, "The Troubles" is the name of the three thousand year old religious conflict between Irish Protestants and Catholics. Two hours later, the Real IRA and Red Hand Commandos claimed responsibility for two church bombings which killed 32 people and injured more than 60 others. The fighting is the first outbreak of violence since the two sides agreed on a 1997 ceasefire followed by the 1998 Good Friday Agreement. In 2002, Bush was criticized for calling the Iraq War a "crusade" against the forces of evil. "The Crusades", of course, were a Holy War waged against Muslims by Christians in Jerusalem in 1095, which resulted in the death of thousands of Muslims, who were also forced to flee their homeland. Bush dismissed the furor and suggested the Muslims loosen their turbans. A White House aide confirmed that the "troubles" line was not written in the text of the speech and promised financial aid and an autographed presidential photo for the families of the church victims.

Troops to Country: "Stop Thanking Us"

Baghdad, Iraq - Four years into the Iraq War, American soldiers continue to serve their country, battling sectarian violence in an explosive civil conflict between Sunnis and Shiites. Commanders and soldiers on the ground report progress propping up the new government and training a Naked-Gun-like Iraqi police force but continue to express concerns about American sentiment back home. "We're so tired of everyone thanking us. We know you don't want us here. You have to thank us or you'll be accused of not be supporting our mission," an unnamed soldier remarked. Joe Biden, the Chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, issued an apology to the troops. "I want to extend our sincere gratitude to the troops for expressing their concern. Thank you for your service to our nation. We support you."

Smithsonian Requests Richardson Ego

Albuquerque, NM - Bill Richardson, the former Governor of New Mexico, Diplomat, U.S. Representative, U.S. Ambassador to the U.N., and Energy Secretary, declared that he is running for President of the United States. Richardson is poised to become the least well known person in American history to hold the most prominent jobs in government. After hearing Richardson tout his experience and speak endlessly about his qualifications for the Oval Office, the curator of a new Freud exhibit at the Smithsonian submitted a formal request for Richardson's ego. "I would like to study it to find out how it got so big," the curator said. "It sounds like this guy has a problem keeping a job." When asked if he would consider donating his ego, Richardson replied, "When I was the President of my sophomore class in high school, people used to ask me why I got involved. I created a show and tell program in kindergarten, served as a line leader in the fifth grade and a hall monitor in the eighth grade so it was a natural progression for me."

McCain Straight Talk Express Crashes into Clinton Southern Drawl Bus

Concord, NH - John McCain and Hillary Clinton have been crashing into each other on the campaign trail for several months. Last night, they crashed one more time -- literally. McCain's Straight Talk Express sideswiped Clinton's Southern Drawl Bus disabling both campaign vehicles. Both candidates were uninjured in the accident. "The bus driver took his eye off the road, McCain said. "He couldn't drive a matchbox car out of a sandbox." The driver confessed to owing back taxes and cheating on his wife three years ago on a trip to Las Vegas. Both candidates were forced to walk to the nearest gas station where new transportation was provided. "Mine feets aren't no ways tired yet," Clinton remarked. "Nobody told me the bus ride would be easy. I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me."

Lou Dobbs Builds Barbed Wire Fence Around CNN Studio

New York, NY - There are 12 million illegal immigrants currently working in the United States. In an effort to halt the scourge of immigration, leave millions of parents without nannys and strip our fruit and vegetable aisles bare, self-proclaimed populist and corporate avenger Lou Dobbs began construction of a 14-foot high barbed wire fence around the CNN studio in New York. "We have got to do something about these illegals," he said, "and I am not waiting for President Bush to open the floodgates and provide amnesty to them." When asked if he knew that his producer was a Columbian immigrant, Dobbs threw a hammer at our cameraman. Before we could call the police, Dobbs turned red and his head exploded on the set. He was pronounced dead on the scene and taken to the local morgue, where an autopsy will be performed by Nisba Rashiri, a Jordanian immigrant.

Bill Clinton Interviews Potential White House Interns

Chappaqua, NY - Insisting that he is operating in his new role as Supporter-in-Chief, former President Bill Clinton began interviewing college interns in case his wife becomes president. Clinton said he wants his wife to be prepared. It is unclear if he meant prepared to succeed as the President or prepared for him to court the hired help. Clinton narrowed the field of applicants to 2,304 and later suggested an expansion of the intern program to "give everyone a chance".

Alberto Gonzales Forgets ATM-PIN

Washington, DC - Alberto Gonzales, the Attorney General maligned over the alleged political firing of seven U.S. Attorneys, left a Safeway shopping market in Georgetown empty handed today. "I can't recall my damn PIN," Gonzales snipped. Presdient Bush reiterated his support for Gonzales. "His initials are AG and he is the AG. That's why I picked him. I don't know why he is sewing but he is a good, decent, and honorable man who has brought goodness, decency, and honorability to the office of the AG." Gonzales has refused to resign amid the scandal and insists that like the people he fired without the President's authorization, he serves at the pleasure of the President. "Right now, I'm focused on finding out where the heck I wrote my PIN so I can get some dinner," he said. Gonzales was unable to use his credit cards after he mistook himself for the leader of an al-Qaeda cell and ordered the Justice Department to cancel them. Earlier in the week, Gonzales didn't recall his wife's birthday and left his dog outside overnight.

Bush Revises Pledge of Allegiance

Washington, DC - In 1892, Benjamin Harrison introduced the Pledge of Allegiance in our public schools. In 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower proposed adding the phrase, "Under G-d" to the pledge. Not since then has there been any changes to the salute nor had there been any prior to its writing in 1892. President Bush, seeking to rally his base as he leaves office and avoid being blamed for the political implosion of his party, directed all public school children to adhere to the new pledge effective immediately. It reads, "I pledge allegiance to the flag the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under G-d, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all those who support the war on terror." In a statement from the Rose Garden, Bush remarked, "Either they're with us or against us. If they're with us, they'll say the new pledge. I don't negotiate with terrorists." When asked what Bush would do if middle school students refused to say the new pledge, Bush replied, "We'll smoke 'em out of their homeroom classes and bring 'em to justice."

Former President Carter Nails Volunteer

Atlanta, GA - Millard and Linda Fuller began their dream to build houses for the poor in 1976. Since then, Habitat for Humanity has built more than 150,000 homes for the impoverished. While it is estimated that 140,000 of those homes currently operate as crack houses, nobody doubts the sincerity of the Habitat volunteers. After he left us lining up for gas on odd days while American hostages waited hopelessly to be rescued in Iran, Jimmy Carter left the White House to become one of those valiant volunteers building houses for those less fortunate than everyone who didn't live through his administration. In a tragic accident Sunday, Carter may have demonstrated why he would be better off playing bridge at a retirement community. "He nailed my damn hand to the wall," Kathryn Bennis, a Habitat volunteer said. "It really hurt." A Carter spokesman issued an apology from the former President, which read, "I did not mean to nail Kathryn's hand to the wall. I remember when I was a child growing peanuts on the farm in Georgia with my father. He used to tell me that every peanut has a shell and to eat the peanut, you must break the shell..." (Our reporter on the scene fell through a hole in the floor and was taken to a local hospital before Carter could finish his story. We found his notes to bring you this portion of it.) The White House issued a statement calling the former President the worst carpenter in American history.

Man Dressed in Big Foot Costume Shot by NYPD

Brooklyn, NY - A man dressed in a Big Foot costume was shot 61 times today on his way to a Halloween party. “It was a case of mistaken identify,” Vince DiCarlo, NYPD Chief of Police said. “The officer thought he was a muslim terrorist. All he saw was the beard.” Witnesses said Big Foot never had a chance. “They just shot his ass,” an onlooker said. “You can’t even wear a damn Big Foot costume anymore.” This is the second case of mistaken identify by the NYPD in as many days. Yesterday, an officer shot Winnie the Pooh. “The NYPD is going to put me out of business,” said Missy Graboski, a costume shop owner. “I can’t even sell a damn Geico Caveman mask anymore.”

Gibson Weds Coulter

Hamburg, Germany - Mel Gibson, the actor turned anti-Semite and director of the Passion of the Christ, married political commentator Ann Coulter in a raucous ceremony in Nazi Germany. The grandson of Adolf Eichman performed the services at the former Gestapo Headquarters in what Coulter referred to as “the most beautiful day of my life since Liberace died from AIDS and began a long overdue elimination of gays.” Gift bags included a copy of Mein Kampf and gold fillings. Coulter, who has referred to homosexuality as “bedroom terrorism” and jews as "road scum" acknowledged that asking the best man and bridesmaid to wear swastikas might cause concern back home. Gibson will cut his honeymoon short to return for the filming of his new movie, a revisionist's version of Marathon Man.

Oprah Winfrey Donates $650 Billion to Build New Planet

Chicago, IL - For Oprah Winfrey, it’s never enough. She gives away cars and iPods, builds schools in other countries, and feeds nations. Today the talk show host and activist unveiled plans to build a new planet. The planet, which will be called Planet Harpo, will be built approximately 4 million miles west of Jupiter, approximately a three month commute by space shuttle from earth. It will temporarily house the 4.2 billion citizens who wish to nuke us as a result of our foreign policy. “At this point, I think it’s the best option,” Winfrey said, when asked if this was a cheap attempt to save North America. "It's hardly cheap," she replied. "I had to fire my dogs' chef to finance it." In other news, Dick Cheney offered Halliburton's services to dig for oil on the new planet.

Bush Administration Celebrates Milestone -- 500,000 Iraqi Civilians Dead

Washington, D.C. - Corks popped and streamers flew as the Bush administration gathered in the Red Room to celebrate the death of the 500,000th Iraqi civilian. “I was thinking of doing something special for the family,” Bush said. “You know how if you’re the millionth shopper, you usually get something? I was thinking of doing something like that to show 'em that we are compassionate folk.” Dick Cheney added, “The celebration might be a little premature. There are some doubts as to the accuracy of the count. A few kids we bombed in a nursery school in Anbar Province might have survived.”

President-Elect Romney and First Ladies Evelyn Romney, Judy Romney, and Mary Romney Preparing for White House

Boston, MA - President-Elect Romney and his three wives, Evelyn, Judy, and Mary insist that the public will accept them. “The way I see it, I would rather have my husband married to two other women. That way, when I’m not around, either Judy or Mary are usually with him so there is no opportunity for him to cheat on me,” Evelyn Romney said. "Mitt won't need any interns," she added.

Hillary Clinton Forgets Stance on War

Des Moines, Iowa - In a town hall meeting yesterday, Hillary Clinton admitted to forgetting where she stands on the Iraq War. "I don't recall," she said, in response to a woman's question on her current position. Comatose and surprisingly sincere, the former First Lady added, "First, I supported the war so I would appear hawkish on foreign policy. When I realized it was rudderless, I withdrew my support; however, I really never supported it -- I only gave the President authorization to begin it. I change my mind more often than my husband changes mistresses because I know that if I follow my conviction, I may get elected and inherit this mess." A senior Clinton aide declined to comment on the Senator's lethargic appearance but did say that the candidate is in the process of deciding if she wants to win or lose the election. After she makes that decision, she will take a moral stance on the war, he added. Several Democrats have followed Senator Clinton's waffle. Last week, Barack Obama supported setting timetables; however, when he found out President Bush wouldn't support them, he compromised by suggesting Congress set a deadline to decide on timetables. When asked why he retreated on his position, Obama said he would work on a timetable for answering reporters' questions. In a recent survey, 100% of Iraquis indicated they wished all Americans were dead.

President Bush Endorses Global Warming

Washington, D.C. - Predictably and in typical enigmatic fashion, President Bush expressed his support for global warming yesterday. “I think we need it,” he said. "A lot of folk up north don't have heaters. Last year, more than 30 people died in Ohio alone from freezation. If we can warm the earth’s atmosphere, we have a chance to save lives,” he quipped. When asked if he feared rising sea levels, Bush replied, “Higher sea levels means more drinking water, dudn't it? I support the expansion of our beaches to non-coastal regions. It will be good for tourism in places like Idaho.” Bush added he is planning to tour the Antarctic later this year. “I want to see what all the fuss is about -- maybe see some of those bipolar bears and find out why they have two different personalities. There has to be a reason they’re killing themselves.”