Washington, DC - The U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) revised its entrance exam to ensure new American citizens know everything American born citizens forgot after the eighth grade. In addition, a new section requires immigrants to describe what it feels like to be hated by the rest of the world and to explain how a country can ignore the most pressing issues of its time to fight a rudderless war. The final question on the exam requires applicants to practice voting for the wrong person in a presidential election. The immigrants are given background information on the candidates' voting records, however, they are required to ignore the facts and vote based on nothing. If the immigrants satisfactorily explain what it feels like to be hated and apathetic, commit to a diet rich in saturated fat, and display varying degrees of road rage, they earn the right to play X-box, watch mindless television, complain about long lines, and gawk at people who are famous for doing nothing. Winners receive a "Mission Accomplished" license plate, a PEZ dispenser key chain, and a 10% off coupon to tour Graceland.
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