BREAKING NEWS: HALLIBURTON SIGNS $14 MILLION CONTRACT TO REBUILD SCOOTER LIBBY'S REPUTATION

University of Michigan Study Reveals Vast Expanse in Bush Brain

Ann Arbor, MI – Researchers from the University of Michigan reported their findings today from a 30-minute study of President Bush’s brain. “We found enormous open spaces,” surgeon Gabe Birbrower said. “I felt like Captain Smith landing in Jamestown." Politicians and corporate America didn’t waste time weighing in with their suggestions to use the uncharted territory. Housing and Urban Development Secretary Gray Stevens suggested construction of sprawling mansions for Bush cronies. Former First Lady Barbara Bush suggested the Hurricane Katrina victims might be “better off” living in the Bush brain. Oracle CEO Larry Ellison offered to sail his 452 ft. luxury yacht, Rising Sun, through the Bush brain. Paris Hilton offered to throw a party for her friends in it, O.J. Simpson suggested making it into a golf course, and Dennis Miller said something nobody understood. Vice President Cheney demanded President Bush’s brain be sealed immediately, then stood on his head, and flew into a cave.

Webster Files Motion to Remove "So-Called" From His Dictionary

Washington, DC – Lexicographer Noah Webster is suing CNN for hackneying the expression “so-called” and filed a motion in federal court today to require publisher Ballantine Books to remove it from his dictionary. In a recent segment on the War in Iraq, CNN reporter Jamie McIntyre said the “so called” surge is not showing much progress, however, he insisted the U.S. military has been planning a more aggressive strategy inside the “so-called” green zone. He added that the “so-called” sleeper cells appear to be propping up “so-called” insurgents in the “so-called” civil war. McIntyre said it remains unknown what our “so-called” President will do next. Judge Larry Seidlin issued a summary judgment in favor of the defendant. He cited that there is no evidence President Bush has performed any of the “so called” duties of a president and therefore, the defendant was justified in calling him a “so-called” President. In reference to the war, Seidlin stated that politicians should heed the advice of the “so-called” Iraq Study Group and start planning a “so-called” exit strategy before our “so-called” democracy winds up in a “so called” world war. The “so-called” judge then ruled the court was in recess.

Camp Counselor Weird for Second Straight Summer

Marshalls Creek, PA – A group of campers in Bunk 13 at Pocono Highlands Camp reported to the Camp Director, Murray Weinberg, that their counselor Alex is still weird. “He was really strange when we had him last summer and he’s still freaking us out,” camper Luke Bertolli said. “Yeah, something is wrong with that guy,” camper Noah Lapin added. According to the campers, Alex hangs out in the bowling alley with Al from maintenance, sniffs his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and likes to talk to kids through the volleyball net and pretend he’s in jail. The campers’ parents were unaware of the counselor’s activities. The Camp Director said he has no plans to do anything or tell anyone unless someone falls.

Employee Left Out of the Loop Again

Boulder, CO - Deb Whitting, a data processor at snack food company Hain-Celestial Group, Inc., doesn’t know what’s going on again. This is the third time this week Deb has not received any information. On Monday, she was the last person to learn that Erika from finance is three months pregnant, and Tuesday she found out Bob from shipping was fired last week for opening a package. Deb entered the employee lounge this morning for a cup of coffee when she learned that Ed, the office manager, eliminated free coffee for employees in the new budget. Some of her co-workers had already established a coffee pool when the cut was announced but she was unaware of it. It is unclear if anybody plans on telling Deb about the upcoming holiday party.

New Jersey Guy Cuts Stay Short at Extended Stay America

Sunrise, FL – Jon Frieberg, a Holmes Oscillating Fan salesman from Teaneck, New Jersey, caused an uproar in the lobby of the Extended Stay America on I-95 south of Hillsboro Boulevard when he refused to extend his stay another month. “You have to stay,” Ignez Garcia, the hotel desk clerk said as she wrapped her arms around Frieberg’s left leg. Other paying customers came out of their hotel rooms in their ESA robes and slippers and wanted to know why Frieberg was leaving. “Where’s he going?” Paul Sheer, a Dun & Bradstreet executive asked. “Yeah, where’s he going?” Erik Wagner, a Wheels & Wheels magazine contributing writer insisted. Frieberg said he would stay for one more buffet style breakfast and then he would be heading down to Key West to sell more fans. “I’m not going to be able to clean out the waffle maker anymore,” he added.

P. Diddy Inks MTV Deal to Manage Another Hitless Band

Manhattan, NY - Sean “Puffy, P. Diddy, Puff, Daddy, Diddy” Combs announced today that he is working on putting together yet another group of talentless singers for Making the Band 5. “I did it with Dannity Kane,” the music mogul bragged. "I'm on my way to becoming the master of building false hopes for music fans that they'll actually have something to buy on iTunes," he added, as he sprayed reporters with Diddy, his newest men's cologne. Combs hoped to advertise the show in Times Square until he realized he's already on every billboard in New York. Thousands of American Idol rejects lined up for auditions. The winners will receive a lifetime supply of delusions of grandeur, a Notorious B.I.G. keychain, and some cheesecake. After completing a promo for the show, P. Diddy put on a two button black pinstripe wool suit and went to bed.

Robin Williams Stars in Three Awful Movies Simultaneously

Hollywood, CA – Robin Williams rushed a third horrible movie out of production and into theatres Friday. RV and Death to Smoochy will be joined shortly by The Krazees. The movie marks Williams’ 84th film. The actor, best known for his role as an alien on the popular 1970's sit-com Mork and Mindy, insists he will not stop making stupid movies until he breaks Hank Aaron’s record. “I’m trying to ruin my career,” Williams admitted. “If I keep going, people will forget I ever made Dead Poet’s Society, Awakenings, and Aladdin.” Last week, Hollywood Director Jerry Bruckheimer contacted Williams to see if he might be interested in starring in a new blockbuster with Nicolas Cage, Tara Reid, Madonna, Adam Sandler, and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Williams agreed but insisted that Keanu Reeves also join the cast. Film critic Roger Ebert predicted the movie has the potential to make Ishtar look like Citizen Kane.

L.A. Fitness Member Insists He Will Continue Daydreaming

Deerfield Beach, FL – Barry McCracken has been a member of L.A. Fitness for three months. During that time, he gained 12 pounds, which is six pounds short of his goal. Gym trainers and members have observed McCracken sitting on equipment for extended periods of time without exercising. “I took a spinning class last week and never even pedaled,” McCracken gleefully admitted. “Yesterday, I sat on the sit-up bench for a half-hour before some lady dressed like Bette Midler in Ruthless People asked me to move,” he added. Several members have complained that McCracken is hogging machines and causing them to lose motivation. “I’m not going anywhere until I reach my target weight gain. I’ve got stuff to think about anyway,” McCracken said.

Clinton Slams Bush for Copying Him

Miami, FL – Former President Bill Clinton excoriated President Bush for commuting the sentence of convicted felon Lewis “Scooter” Libby, insisting “the current administration has no respect for the rule of law.” Clinton later retracted his statement when he remembered he also committed perjury and pardoned bank robbers, child pornographers, terrorists, money launderers, tax evaders, cocaine traffickers, and other fugitives on his last day in office. Senator Hillary Clinton, who is trying to become the coldest and most calculating person ever to be elected President, shrugged off the controversy and reminded an audience of 12 unenthusiastic supporters that it’s “time for a change in Washington.” It is unclear if she was referring to President Bush or her husband.

Stallone to Fight Judi Dench in Rocky VII

Philadelphia, PA – From the famed steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, a freshly botoxed Sylvester Stallone announced an agreement to fight 73 year old actress Judi Dench in another installment of the Rocky series. Dench tried running up the steps with Stallone but collapsed and was transported to Jefferson Memorial Hospital. It is unknown if she will return to the set for filming. Stallone, who turns 92 in August, said he would agree to fight Liza Minnelli if Dench is unable to make a comeback. In unrelated news, a sniper was arrested Tuesday for shooting two middle aged men who were running up the museum steps with their arms above their heads singing “Gonna Fly Now”.

Washington Regrets Revolution

Boston, MA – In his first interview since the Patriots final victory against the British in South Carolina along the Combahee River, General George Washington expressed remorse for fighting the American Revolution. “I always believed the leaders of our country would follow the Constitution. I guess I should have told the minutemen to ignore the first shot at Lexington,” he said. President Bush praised Washington for his valor. “He had the courage to bring a baseball team to this great city and give them the ‘W’ logo," Bush said. The President subsequently commuted the prison sentence of convicted felon Scooter Libby, filed a motion to seal all of Vice-President Cheney’s criminal activities, signed off on the torture of Guantanamo Bay prisoners, authorized the wiretapping of an additional three million Americans, and agreed to a ban on Karl Rove dancing.

Dog Sniffs into Record Books

Potomac, MD - Sushi, a Yorkshire Terrier, shattered the record for most sniffs on a walk today, sniffing more than 21,000 blades of grass before going to the bathroom. "I wanted to kill him," his owner said of the record. The sniffing included a dead lizard, bird droppings, an ant hill, dead worms, a fallen branch, two fire hydrants, and previous work from other dogs. Sushi replaces Marshmellow, a Bedlington Terrier, who previously sniffed a reported 19,084 blades of grass, 13 bushes, a light post, and an empty McDonald's bag, making her owner 30 minutes late to work in the process. Last year, Sushi attempted to break the record for most consecutive barks when someone knocked on the door but fell short of the longstanding 462 mark set by Jake, a Poodle in Michigan, when he paused to lick himself.

CNN Covers News

Atlanta, GA - CNN broke away from their wall to wall coverage of Anna Nicole Smith today for a 40 second report on the Hamas defeat of Fatah and subsequent takeover of Gaza. It remains unknown what caused the sudden coverage of news; however, the self-described news station quickly returned to a story about Nicole Richie's pregnancy.

Florida Students Reportedly Learning Something

Tallahassee, FL – Florida Legislators celebrated record improvements in the rating of Florida schools following a report which revealed every student in Florida is most likely possibly learning something. Results indicate virtually every school is now doing a perfect job educating their students. In Polk County, for example, more than 92% of students indicated they now consider themselves expert scantron bubblers. “I can bubble in my name a lot faster than I did last year because we practice it every week,” said an eighth grade student. “In my history class, we drew maps of the hallways and figured out safe routes to walk to class to avoid getting beat up. It's just like the explorers,” another student added. “We’ve moved up to 48th in the country in SAT scores and 49th in high school graduation rates. Take that Mississippi!” Governor Crist beamed. It remains unclear what students are learning but it’s definitely something. In a recent poll, 54% of Florida middle school students identified the alligator as the national bird. This is down from 56% last year. Wauchula Police Chief Michael Doodledoo has hired Inspector Cluso to find out what the students are learning, how they’re learning it, and what exactly they’ll do with it. Early clues point to a generation of students prepared to enter the workforce and obtain jobs as professional test takers.

Irate Man Defeats Soda Machine in Six Rounds

Boca Raton, FL – 911 received a call Tuesday that a man needed medical assistance at Dupont Apartments. When paramedics arrived on the scene, they found resident Terry Burke with his leg caught in a soda machine in the building lobby. Residents reported they witnessed Terry put three dollar bills in the soda machine. When the machine spit back one bill and ate the other two, he shook it, kicked it, pushed it, punched it, and collapsed into a cursing frenzy. “He just lost it,” a frightened neighbor said. "He kept screaming for a Diet Coke.” Burke suffered minor abrasions on his leg and knuckles. The soda machine was taken to the nearest repair shop where it underwent surgery for a new front window and dollar processor. Neither contender would say if there would be a rematch. Police records indicate this is the second time Burke has had an altercation with a drink dispenser. In July, he was charged with aggravated assault for putting his fist through the coffee machine on the sixth floor of Jackson Memorial Hospital.

E.T. Late to 25th Anniversary Reunion

Hamptons, NY – Hollywood Director Steven Spielberg hosted Elliot, Michael, Gertie and 400 of his closest friends at his house Saturday to celebrate the 25th anniversary of E.T. The Extraterrestrial. Guests included John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Jimmy Carter, Jackie Gleason, John Lennon, and Christopher Columbus. E.T., who currently lives three million light years from the Spielberg mansion, was three hours late to the party. “He has always operated on his own time schedule,” Spielberg explained to the paparazzi in his trees. “He said he would have called but he was out of minutes. I understand T-Mobile offered him a bag of Reese’s Pieces to switch carriers,” he added. President Bush sent his congratulations in a statement from the White House and reminded Spielberg that he hasn’t been in the water ever since he saw the movie.

Bin Laden Asks If It's Safe to Come Out Now

Kabul, Afghanistan – Forgotten terrorist Osama Bin Laden released a video on YouTube today during which he asks if anybody is still looking for him. President Bush said he had not seen the video but admitted to “watching a funny clip on YouTube last night where a chihuahua attacks a vacuum cleaner.” Bush, who was recently offered the lead role in Mission Impossible IV, leaves for Maine tomorrow to fish with Russian President Putin before the KGB poisons and buries him at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. “I have not seen any U.S. troops near my cave for several years. Am I free to go now?” Bin Laden asks on his MySpace blog. The lanky Afghan lists himself as single, armed, and bearded in his profile but states he is not looking for a serious relationship at this time. His buddy list includes Bagram, Faizabad, Nawzad, Kushka, Qalat, and Zaranj.

Rogue iPhone Calls for Iraq Withdrawal

Cupertino, CA – In a scene reminiscent of the movie War Games, the Department of Homeland Security reported receiving an anonymous call from an unsold iPhone demanding an end to the American occupation of Iraq. “We traced the call to a store in Glendale, Wisconsin. When we found the phone, it was in in its original packaging,” said a seething Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff. “Apparently, it called us on its own.” The iPhone was detained for questioning. “We’re sending it to Guantanamo Bay where Vice-President Cheney will personally torture it,” an incensed Chertoff added. President Bush raised the terror alert level to “Suicide Red” in case other phones refuse to drop their calls for a change in his policy.

Romney Leaves Wife Hanging

Boston, MA - Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney, who has come under scrutiny for driving 11 hours from Boston to Ontario with his dog Seamus strapped to the roof of his car, recently duct taped his wife Ann to the wing of a Boeing 737. "We had the choice to fly standby or find our own solution. There was one seat on the plane so I asked Ann if she would mind riding on the spoiler," Romney explained at a press conference. Ann, who was pelted by a flock of seagulls on takeoff, was not permitted to comment.