Tallahassee, FL – Florida Legislators celebrated record improvements in the rating of Florida schools following a report which revealed every student in Florida is most likely possibly learning something. Results indicate virtually every school is now doing a perfect job educating their students. In Polk County, for example, more than 92% of students indicated they now consider themselves expert scantron bubblers. “I can bubble in my name a lot faster than I did last year because we practice it every week,” said an eighth grade student. “In my history class, we drew maps of the hallways and figured out safe routes to walk to class to avoid getting beat up. It's just like the explorers,” another student added. “We’ve moved up to 48th in the country in SAT scores and 49th in high school graduation rates. Take that Mississippi!” Governor Crist beamed. It remains unclear what students are learning but it’s definitely something. In a recent poll, 54% of Florida middle school students identified the alligator as the national bird. This is down from 56% last year. Wauchula Police Chief Michael Doodledoo has hired Inspector Cluso to find out what the students are learning, how they’re learning it, and what exactly they’ll do with it. Early clues point to a generation of students prepared to enter the workforce and obtain jobs as professional test takers.
