Dean Holds Meeting to Slow Down Momentum

Washington, DC - Democratic National Committee Chair and former presidential candidate Howard Dean announced today that all of the candidates will convene a meeting at Independence Hall in Philadelphia the day before the Iowa caucus. "The prospect for victory looks too bright," Dean admitted. "We need a cataclysmic error in judgement to slow our chances down -- perhaps put Hillary Clinton in an F-16 Fighting Falcon Multi-Role Fighter Aircraft or tell a stem cell joke." Joe Biden offered to plagiarize Alexis de Toqueville and Dennis Kucinich said his wife would consider pole dancing. "We'll think of something -- you know you can count on us to bungle it in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Florida, Ohio, yeeeeee-hawww!!" Dean assured writers at http://www.humor-blogs.com/

Romney Recalls Rosa Ride

Braintree, MA - In a podcast in front of a fireplace from his living room, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney reminisced about the time he rode a bus with Rosa Parks in Selma, Alabama. "She was black," Romney recalled, "and she wanted to sit next to me. I realized then that there was something kinetic about my personality so I decided to open an office supply store." This is not the first time Romney has made a Forest Gumpian claim. In December, he recalled his father marching with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and then recanted the statement admitting that he was speaking figuratively. Last year, Romney suggested that he, not Neil Armstrong, took the first step on the moon and vaguely recalls requesting the Texas School Book Depository be locked November 22, 1963.

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Editor's Note: In 2005, Romney claimed to be #1 on www.humor-blogs.com

Pakistan Rejects U.S. Offer to Run Pakistan

Islamabad, Pakistan - Pakistan President Perez Musharraf soundly rejected President Bush's offer to lead the investigation into the assassination of former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto Friday. Bush, while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms in the Oval Office, countered the rejection by offering to send Musharraf a copy of the South Beach Diet and The Perfect Push-Up - As Seen on TV! "Somebody please tell me what is wrong with that man," Musharaff pleaded. "If your former President, Bill Clinton, was shot, would you expect Pakistan to lead the investigation? We have 160 million people in our country -- we've got it covered, but thanks," he added. President Bush declined to comment on reports that he thinks the rest of the world can't survive without him. A White House insider also leaked that Bush requested $200 billion for the FY 08 budget to initiate a U.S. Department of World's Policemen but dropped the plan after Dick Cheney agreed to do it himself. "This is World War III," Bush said, in an effort to calm tensions in the region. "The folks who shot Bhutto make it clear to everyone that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction," he added.

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Editor's Note: President Bush offered to write a column for humor-blogs.com but was rejected.

San Francisco Zoo Simulates Jungle

San Francisco, CA - Visitors to the San Francisco Zoo were treated to real world conditions in the Nepal rainforest after a Bengal tiger jumped over a fence and began mauling them. "We constructed the tiger's fence four feet lower than industry standards to provide tourists the added risk of actually being in the wild," zookeeper Tucker Gowdy said, refusing to comment on the three people who were eaten by one of the tigers at the Rainforest Cafe Tuesday. "We've also decided to leave the lids off the Black Widow spider cages and we're opening a new exhibit next month that will provide visitors the opportunity to swim with red piranha from the Amazon River." Last year, the zoo was cited 18 times for failing to keep visitors safe. "One woman lost part of her foot at the alligator exhibit," Gowdy explained, "but it was her choice to walk the balance beam." Zoo patrons' reaction to being eaten alive was mixed. "What are the odds that you'll actually die?" asked Bill Greely, visiting from Colorado with his wife and three kids.

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Editor's Note: The staff at www.humor-blogs.com was planning a retreat at the San Francisco Zoo in February. The event will take place as scheduled.

BREAKING NEWS: HOLIDAY SHOPPERS ENTER MALLS; ENDLESS ANALYSIS OF SALES FIGURES TO FOLLOW; PREPARE FOR COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF MEANINGLESS INFORMATION

Romney Challenges Huckabee to Burr-Hamilton Duel

Weehawken, NJ - According to the Washington punditry, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney may not have lost the Iowa primary yet but he may have lost his mind. Ever since the Concord Monitor published its article "Anyone But Romney" likening a Romney administration to an anesthesia-free enema, the former governor has been gassy mad. A trucker on the New Jersey turnpike called 911 Tuesday night to report what looked like Mitt Romney firing a revolver in the air on a hill in Weehawken, the site of the infamous Burr-Hamilton duel. He was heard screaming, "Let's settle this like men Huckaboom!" Recent reports in the Iowa Register reveal that Romney spent 38 million dollars in Iowa while former Arkansas Governor Mike Hukabee has spent only nine dollars. "I bought some pancakes at Charlie's Famous Pancake House," Huckabee admitted, his dimples bursting in air. "The nine dollars included the tip," he added, as he hammered campaign yard signs in the shape of crosses into people's lawns. When Huckabee heard that Romney was waiting for him on a hill in Weehawken, he sent campaign volunteer Chuck Norris to respond to Romney's request.

Santa Suffers Buyer's Remorse

North Pole - Father Christmas has endured chimney jokes since the 19th century, the debate over whether parents should continue lying about his existence, and religious concerns that his legend detracts from the real meaning of Christmas and makes an already self-centered citizenry even more egocentric. Despite a wave of anti-Kringle sentiments, he has never expressed remorse over gift giving -- until now. "A 10-year old girl in Ohio asked me for a VH1 I Love New York doll. I couldn't bring myself to do it," he moaned. "I'm glad she picked Tailor-Made but Budda should have been off that show long before Punk. It wasn't right -- even Sister Patterson agreed." Off camera, Kringle admitted that he was partial towards Midget Mac. Santa also expressed disgust over more than 14,000,000 requests for Xbox 360. "North America has turned into World of Warcraft. We should consider adding a 28th amendment to the Constitution appointing King Magni Bronzebeard of Azeroth head of the American monarchy -- his first mission to destroy all documents on the Spirit of 76." Santa is also reportedly suffering financial losses as a result of the global environmental crisis. "My house is melting," he said. "The basement is completely flooded." After seeing him kick his sleigh in disgust, Thrall and Cairne Bloodhoof offered to help deliver the rest of the gifts.

Divorced NJ Man Rebounds Following Ebay Feedback Affirmations

Hackensack, NJ - After his third divorce, Flip Kurtz was beginning to question his self-worth. He found his first wife in bed with his car detailer, his second wife moved to San Francisco and married her girlfriend, and his third wife died in the Waco, Texas fire. In late 2007, after an unsuccessful job search on hotjobs.com (he couldn't figure out how to attach his resume), Flip decided to start buying junk on Ebay. He got much more than he bargained for. "My confidence shot up after CoinCollector54 told me that I'm an awesome Ebayer, fast payer, and a great communicator," he said. "My wives were never that nice to me." Although Flip admitted to falling in love with Ebay, he said he has no plans to get married for a fourth time. "When I get outbid in the final second, I get angry so I'm not ready to make any long term commitments," he explained. "Right now, I'm just working on building my feedback score and monitoring my watch list. I've cancelled most of my plans because they conflict with the items ending soon. At the moment, I'm just focused on winning a Howdy Doody doll with a slight scratch on the forehead."

Celine Dion Still Bowing

Las Vegas, NV-Four days and three hours after her final performance at Caesar’s Palace, Canadian international megastar Celine Dion is reportedly still taking bows. “Thank you for coming to my 9,382th performance,” the diva said to an empty room. “I want to thank my husband, lover, soul mate, manager, spiritual guru, father, and grandfather – all of whom happen to be the same person. Thank you Rene Angelil for teaching me that love can move mountains,” she shouted over the sound of a maintenance worker vacuuming popcorn off the floor. Even Dion’s son, surprisingly also named Rene, had left town a week earlier to play Halo 3 with his friend Rene. After Dion refused to leave the stage, the hotel manager asked Siegfried and Roy to release their white tiger in the room. Dion, who lost all four limbs as a result, pledged that her heart will go on. "That tiger could have been somewhere else," she said, holding the microphone with her chin as she was wheeled out on a stretcher by paramedics, "but he chose to see Celine Dion. That means so much to Rene."

BREAKING NEWS: JAMES PATTERSON WRITES TWO BOOKS IN ONE WEEKEND

Nostradamus Predicted Spears Pregnancy

Saint-Remy-de-Provence, France - A report recently surfaced in the South of France that Nostradamus may have predicted the pregnancy of 16-year-old Jaime Lynn Spears in Les Propheties in 1555. In the book, Nostradamus writes that following the greatest "plagues, earthquakes, wars, floods, invasions, murders, droughts, and battles" would come "the impregnation of the youngest of spears, which would signify the coming of the end of humanity." Not even a blazing fire in Dick Cheney's office in the Old Executive Office building could trump the news of the latest Hollywood starlet gone bad. Confirmation of a refusal to abort the baby caused power outages in 26 countries. The nation was no less shocked to learn Brittney Spears has a sister. In the meantime, billions of paralyzed citizens waited for an Orson Welles ending that never came.

BREAKING NEWS: MICHAEL JACKSON HOSPITALIZED AFTER TRYING TO SNEEZE

Bush Says Genocide "Encouraging Sign"

Washington, DC - After applauding news that Iran is not in fact on the brink of starting World War III with a uranium enrichment program as previously argued, President Bush praised the Sudanese government today for trying to resolve their ethnic and tribal differences without the hindrance of diplomacy or reason. In an act of unprecedented generosity from the Bush clan, the President donated $40 to relieve starvation in the devastated area. "I bet Dick Cheney that Condi Rice would wear red today," a gleeful President Bush said, his shoulders jumping up and down as he placed his winnings in an envelope and wrote "Somalia" on it. "Now who wants to bowl?"

U.S. Post Office Goes Green

Washington, D.C. - In a sweeping overhaul of 18th century protocols, the U.S. Post Office Master General announced today that she will implement a series of environmental initiatives to combat global warming. One of the provisions will result in the printing of biodegradable "Forever" stamps. If the stamps are not used within three years, they will disintegrate. The People for Styrofoam Stamps (P.S.S), a non-profit grassroots organization fighting for immortal stamp life, mailed a petition to Congress expressing their discontent, however, the petition never reached its destination. In the meantime, P.S.S is keeping their stamps in petri dishes and planning a Million Stamp March on the steps of the U.S. Post Office.

BREAKING NEWS: BANGLADESH CYCLONE KILLS 10,000, ONE MILLION HOMELESS; BUSH OFFERS TO SEND LEFTOVER CHIPS AND SALSA FROM SUNDAY'S COWBOYS-REDSKINS GAME

Clinton Cackle Coos Crowd

Las Vegas, NV - Presidential candidate Barack Obama screamed “Ouch!” during a debate Thursday night after Hillary Clinton put him on her lap and spanked him like a meandering 10 year old. “She really hurt me,” Obama said after taking all three hours of the debate to answer a question about driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants. “It was like watching George Bush try to solve a New York Times crossword puzzle,” said Cody Barker, managing editor of The Pretzel.” It looked like 9/11 out there,” Republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani said. Meanwhile, Clinton continues to ascend in the polls. In a recent survey, only 74% of Americans now believe that it is only “very probable” that you can see right through Senator Clinton if you hold her up to the light. During the debate, Clinton laughed so hard, she fell off the stage and into the lap of audience member Valerie Plame Wilson, where she continued to avoid enumerating her positions. Wilson said she could not comment on the fall because she is currently working undercover for Ballantine Books. The candidates will debate in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Florida tomorrow. Obama was taken to an undisclosed Las Vegas hospital after the debate, where he met Elizabeth Taylor.

BREAKING NEWS: HOLLYWOOD WRITERS STRIKE; ACTORS UNABLE TO THINK OF A RESPONSE

America Honors Veterans

Boca Raton, FL – Americans flocked to local malls Monday to honor World War II, Vietnam, and other veterans who risked their lives to protect and defend their country. Macy’s led off the celebration by offering 50% off Tommy Hilfiger, Calvin Klein, and Perry Ellis ties. Not to be outdone, Bath and Body Works offered a buy two, get one free special on its signature collection of warm vanilla sugar, cherry blossom, and coconut lime verbena bubble baths. While Burberry refused to offer a sale, the Burberry outlet in the Sawgrass Mills Mall offered select customers a free Burberry umbrella with a minimum purchase of $200. “Our sales send a clear message that we support our troops and honor the sacrifices of those who have given their lives,” said Pottery Barn Store Manager Mindy Lenson, who reminded Pretzel reporter Sushi Ascano that the store is offering 20% off floor lamps and wall sconces. A group of male patrons dining on chicken fried rice in the food court suggested erecting a Victoria’s Secret model statue in front of the mall to salute "the most important freedoms" our troops protect. President Bush visited the Tomb of the Unknown where he said he would honor the memory of King Tut.

BREAKING NEWS: DNC ORDERS 50 MILLION GAS MASKS TO ENABLE DEMOCRATS TO VOTE FOR HILLARY CLINTON

Piece of Junk Mail Almost Worth Opening

Orlando, FL – A resident of BriarWoods Apartments almost opened a piece of junk mail Monday after seeing the words “Important Account Information Enclosed” and "Final Notice" on the envelope. Several residents have reported the temptation to open their mail recently. “I never know if it’s a new credit card or something from my bank. Whenever I open it, I always get fooled so I just throw everything away,” the resident said. A recent study by students at Appalachian State University revealed that they were unable to conduct a study because they were too busy opening junk mail.

Dinner Guests Survive Unsolicited Tour of House

Buckhead, GA – Fred and Yani Mitchell were found in their bed Monday morning clinging to life after surviving a seemingly endless tour of their friend Kitti Dornfeld’s new house. “We couldn’t get up for work,” Fred said, as he reassured his worried family who arrived on the scene with the police that they were all right. When the couple accepted an invitation for dinner with their old neighbors, they had no idea it would include a 40 minute tour of their new home. “When Kitti asked me if I wanted to see the house, I told her it wasn’t necessary but she said I had to see it. Looking inside the closet was bad enough; I almost died when she made me guess how much she paid for her couches and asked me to sit on her new toilet seat,” a withdrawn Yani told Pretzel reporter Biff Barker. “When we finally sat down for dinner, she made me get up to look at some shelves her husband had just installed in the garage.” Police visited the Dornfeld’s home to instruct the couple to stop giving tours. Kitti invited the police officers inside for some coffee and asked them if they wanted to see her new patio furniture and meet her in-laws and children.

BREAKING NEWS: DOG CHAPMAN’S SON TURNS IN GIRLFRIEND FOR EATING CARAMELS FROM GROCERY STORE CANDY BIN WITHOUT PAYING

Something Bad Happening in Pakistan

Tucson, AZ – At Bru’s Room Bar & Grill, where drinks are 50% off until 6:00 pm, a group of coworkers from Comcast Cable were talking about something really bad happening in Pakistan. “All I know is that it’s a mess,” one guy said. "All the places in Africa have problems like that," he added. “Yeah, Bush told Mushroff to take off his uniform. I guess he was challenging him to a fight,” another guy said. “I saw a bunch of people waving guns and shooting in the air. We should just drop a bomb on them," he added. After happy hour ended, the guys pledged to get together for the Giants-Cowboys game Sunday.

Tobacco Industry Toasts Top Ranking

Washington, DC – Jubilant tobacco industry lobbyists popped the corks on cases of the latest vintages of Dom Perignon Friday after the U.S. Center for Disease Control (CDC) revealed the failure of smoking cessation efforts among Americans. “We reached our target addiction rate of 92% in 2006,” Camel lobbyist Sherwood Kittleton cheered as he wrapped his tie around his forehead and pounded a shot of tequila. “We know smoking is the number one preventable cause of death. Our job is to do everything we can to prevent people from worrying about it. A terrorist threat here and an O.J trial there and we're in business!” Marlboro salesman Buck Grillo said. “Our goal is to tap the youth market next year. We’re looking in particular at kids ages 3-7. We think there are huge opportunities -- perhaps teaming up with Baby Gap,” Newport lobbyist Judd Urso said. The CDC pledged to continue their fight to reduce smoking despite being outspent 2:1 by the tobacco industry.

Oversized Sunglasses Cult Overthrows Government

Washington, D.C. – A band of desperate teenage girls from Malibu seized control of the American government today after storming the White House. The national debt doubled within the first hour of their reign as they began ordering clothes from the basement of the Bureau of Printing and Engraving and demanded Congress pass a 28th Amendment extending mall operation hours nationwide. It is the first American coup since angry southerners refused to buy Dixie Chicks albums. The militia was carrying Louis Vuitton handbags and wearing 7 for All Mankind jeans, Manolos, OPI nail lacquer, and oversized Gucci sunglasses. A sniper on the roof reported that one of the girls may have also been wearing Tracie Martyn skin care products. White House intern Jimmy Scott donned a pair of oversized sunglasses to infiltrate the gang but was later found tied to the Lincoln bed with a Ferragamo belt. The S.W.A.T. team began negotiations with the clan, who demanded $100 million in Tiffany’s gift certificates and tickets to the priemiere of Mean Girls II. The standoff ended when one of the girls broke a nail in the Oval Office and couldn't hold out any longer. “I need nail glue,” she cried, as she was taken away in handcuffs in the Rose Garden. President Bush later said the incident underscored the severity of the ongoing war on terror and ordered the Secretary of Defense to bomb Bloomingdales.

Grandparent Conversation Reveals Consistency of Weather

Peekskill, NY - Sixteen year-old Jacob Cantor called his grandmother Frieda in Port St. Lucie, Florida Thursday after his mother reminded him for the “thousandth time”. After she asked him how school was going, Frieda told her grandson that it has been “humid lately” and “raining a lot in the afternoons”. Jacob told her that it was “cloudy” today in Peekskill and that it's supposed to get cold tonight. Following an awkward silence, his grandmother replied that “it’s just very humid and rainy here”. When Jacob asked his grandmother if she had any plans for the weekend, she replied that it was “too humid and rainy to go outside”.

New Jersey Woman Runs Three Minute Mile After Putting “Best Song Ever” on iPod

Teaneck, NJ – A housewife and mother of two cats ran a 3:07 mile around the Teaneck High School track this morning after adding Kanye West’s new song Champion to her iPod. “My previous best time was 8:45, which I ran after I added Seal’s Amazing and Trick Daddy’s Bet That” she said. “The Kanye song really made me go fast. I've listened to it a bunch of times now so I am starting to slow down,” she added. The woman would not predict if she would be able to break her record setting pace, however, she did mention that she is looking forward to the release of Dr. Dre's new album in December.

Employee Maintains Sub Par Performance

Charlotte, NC – New DuPont thermoplastics salesman Jared Appelbaum continued to fail to meet expectations Friday when he showed up late for work with a frappuccino in his hand for the fifth consecutive day. “We had a feeling he would suck when we hired him,” said DuPont Senior VP of Human Resources Cady Holliday. Jared, who walked in with his tie draped over his shoulder, did not apologize for being late or offer an explanation. He was overheard telling a coworker that the company start time conflicted with SportsCenter. Since being hired three weeks ago, Jared has been caught playing Tetris on his computer and sleeping in a bathroom stall. Last week, he also had an altercation with Tery Caloghiris, the Head of Colors and Coating Technologies, over the value of golf balls made from ethylene copolymers. Jared is expected to get fired before the Kevlar convention next month.

Early Morning Fire Alarm Reveals Scope of Residents’ Bad Breath

Boca Raton, FL – A 5:15 am fire alarm in a South Florida apartment building sent residents scurrying for the exits in their pajamas Tuesday morning. Firefighters sent two extra trucks to extinguish the flames of bad breath reported once the first brigade arrived on the scene. Jan Noodlebaum from the fifth floor was holding her Maltese when she fainted during a conversation with “the guy who always wears sunglasses inside and whistles in the elevator”. Neighbors reported his breath smelled like sausage. Resident Fran Deluca, also known as "the lady who doesn’t shower off before getting in the pool”, also caused frowns with her halitosis as she lamented her early morning walk down the stairwell. “Her breath smells like she has been licking her dog’s ass,” a dazed resident said. Firefighters managed to contain the fire but suggested installing outdoor fire sprinklers to retard the residents’ breath in the future.

BREAKING NEWS: CALIFORNIA WILDFIRES ZERO PERCENT CONTAINED; HOUSING GLUT RESOLVED; SCHWARZENEGGER DONS MR. FREEZE OUTFIT

Fourth Grader's Pencil Remains Unsharpened

Orlando, FL – Fourth grade student Jeffrey Kang remained in his seat for 45 minutes Monday without completing any of his math problems. When the teacher confronted Jeffrey, he said he was unsure what to do in light of the broken point on his pencil since he did not have a sharpener. It remains unknown when Jeffrey will sharpen his pencil or ask another classmate to borrow one. In a neighboring classroom, a student found a thumbtack on the floor and spent considerable time contemplating what to do with it. Unable to find a solution, he put it back on the floor where he found it.

Friends Club Making Enemies

Short Hills, NJ – A new school club at Short Hills High School formed by a group of 10th grade students is causing concern among administrators and parents. The group of students, who named their club The Snotties, draw bar graphs comparing the number of friends they have on their MySpace pages to their classmates. “In the past month, I have added three times more friends to my page than Rachel Rothfeld,” Snotties’ president Malorie Whitting wrote in her school newspaper column, All About Us: The Life and Times of The Snotties. “At our lunch table, we don’t even have enough seats because we have so many friends,” she wrote. “Look at that kid Peter with the curly hair and fanny pack the next time you’re at lunch. He sits by himself and has no friends. I bet he doesn’t even have a MySpace page,” she added. The Robotics Club started a petition to disband the club; however, the principal said he is unlikely to address the matter as he is busy preparing a laundry list of meaningless items to address with the faculty.

Police Charge Credit Card Customer Service Representative

Calcutta, India - A Citibank customer shot himself twice in the head today after he was unable to persuade a Citibank customer service representative (CSR) to send him his Bonus Rewards dividend check in the mail. A transcript of the exchange was released to the media early this afternoon. During the conversation, the customer asked repeatedly for the check and refused to take advantage of a “0% APR on all balance transfers through February 2008”. He continued to ask for his dividend check, which prompted the CSR to offer to send him convenience checks in the mail to consolidate his debt. When the customer informed the CSR that he did not have any debt, the CSR reminded the customer that "on the back of the mail-in envelope, there is an offer for an engraved pen set, which includes a $2.00 mail-in rebate." When police questioned the CSR after the customer killed himself, she told them she would not be able to speak to them without their PIN.

Bottle Bandit Bites Back

How long have you been dating your water bottles? Did they attend your wedding? Which one was present at your child's birth? I'll consider returning that one. Did Santa give them to you for Christmas? Did your Dad use them as bases when you played wiffle ball in the backyard? Or did you mother stick candles in them and put them on your birthday cake? Go watch Ellen you freak. The bottles are mine now.

An Open Letter to the Two-Bit Thief On The Eighth Floor Who Stole My Three Zephyrhills Five-Gallon Water Bottles

You little punk! Did your mother not make you birthday cakes when you were a kid? Did your father refuse to throw the wiffle ball for you in the backyard? Did the tooth fairy give you carrots instead of coins? Did someone tell you Santa Claus was a hoax dreamed up by unimaginative toy manufacturers and greedy marketers when you were peering out your bedroom window one Christmas eve? Some kids never even get to celebrate it. Did your parents drop you off at the wrong bus stop? Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Do I need to call the University of Florida police to taser you or are you going to give me back my bottles? Give me back my #$%& water bottles you $%&#. Sorry. Would you please return my water bottles? Do I need to call Ellen Degeneris to cry for me? Just tell me what you want me to do. I want my bottles back. You can reach me at my job at Abbott Laboratories in Fort Lauderdale. I actually store urine samples in those bottles so I need them back for some tests we're running tomorrow. I hope you didn’t…

Test Crash Dummy Bolts

Spokane, WA – Volvo announced today that “Billy the Crash Test Dummy” submitted his letter of resignation. He cited frequent headaches, joint stiffness, whiplash, nightmares, and a lack of respect for his departure. “I’m tired of being called a dummy,” he wrote. “I know the car is going to crash. It’s my job.” Volvo spokeswoman Ginny McFarlane said that Billy is not the first dummy to come unglued. “He has been bent out of shape since his first day of work. I’m sure we'll have no problem finding a replacement,” she said. “Our company is filled with dummies.” As Billy waved goodbye, a dummy drove a new Volvo XC70 into his sternum. The results of the accident will be made public in the November issue of Car & Driver magazine.

BREAKING NEWS: SCHOOL LECTURES PUTTING DAMPER ON STUDENTS' ENJOYMENT OF VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES

Satirist Fired for Trite Material

Syracuse, NY – Comedy Writer Dirk Birbrower was fired from his job Monday after Caught Laughing magazine Editor Jon Reiser accused Birbrower of too frequently relying on the obvious for laughs. “He lost his edge,” Reiser told Twisted News reporter Marshmellow Williams. “Every story raged against someone leaving their cart in the middle of the grocery store aisle, failing to make the obligatory waive for allowing a car frontsies, whistling in an elevator, or making bubbles in the pool. It’s old hat.” Reiser said Birbrower will be replaced by Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid. Reiser asked Reid to write a new column called, “My Life as a Hypocrite”. In the column, Reid will explain how he can excoriate Republicans for passing legislation condemning MoveOn.org’s advertisements and then discuss censuring Rush Limbaugh for comments he made about the military on the floor of the Senate the following week. In his first column, Reid will scold Eric Cartman from South Park for unnecessary roughness as a hall monitor before revealing that he was suspended for three days in 1959 for putting a classmate in a locker.

Bush Changes Stance on Gay Rights

Washington, DC – After spending a weekend with Latvian Prime Minister Aigars Kalvitis, President Bush announced a reversal on his policy banning gay marriage. “In the past, when I thought of homosexuals, I thought of Mary Cheney. She looks like a younger Dick Cheney -- scary,” Bush said. “I never knew a gay could be as handsome as Prime Minister Kalvitis, or Kal, as I like to call him. He’s what I like to call a real ally,” Bush winked. He later cancelled plans to work on a new version of the children's healthcare bill to go boating with Kalvitis.

Angry Baby Signals "No More Squeaky Toys"

Short Hills, NJ – Erik Feingold gave his parents every indication today that he has heard enough of the Hasbro Playskool Busy Ball Popper. “I wish they would just let me sleep,” he thought to himself. "Between the ball popper and the LeapFrog Baby Curious Crab Rattle, my head is pounding. The musical inchworm was really all I needed." Erik's parents were shopping at the time of the request.

Rambling Homeless Man Becomes New White House Press Secretary

Washington, DC – White House Chief-of-Staff Josh Bolten announced today that some “crazy homeless guy” will replace Dana Perino as the new White House Press Secretary. The homeless man, who refers to himself as Flash Gordon, will be the fifth White House Press Secretary for President Bush. Ari Fleischer, Scott McClellan, Tony Snow, and Perino all resigned after running out of lies. “We think the new Press Secretary will take misleading the American people to the next level,” Bolten explained. “When we interviewed him, he didn’t make any sense or answer a single question and that’s really what we’re looking for.” At his first press conference, White House Reporter Helen Thomas asked Gordon if the United States government will continue to torture prisoners. Gordon replied, “She threw me out...I didn’t take her purse...Jesus loves you...Stop touching me.” Paramedics arrived on the scene after Thomas collapsed.

Brother-In-Law Prepares to See Photo Albums

Decateur, GA – Jeane and Mack Bickersteth bought plane tickets today to visit Jeane’s sister Elkie in Fort Pierre, South Dakota for Thanksgiving. “I'd rather stick a hot needle in my eye than go to her house,” Mack explained. “All she does is show me pictures of her neighbor’s son playing little league and her mailman’s daughter’s wedding. I’m sick of looking at her photo albums and pretending like I care. She doesn't even have any new pictures; she just shows me the same ones every year." Mack said he would go in the other room and watch the Falcons, which he described as almost as painful. Mack’s wife Jeane reminded him that they haven't been away for awhile and that it will be a nice break. “I don't need a break," Mack said. "I enjoy doing nothing. Sitting on a couch and straining my neck to see one of Elkie’s colleague’s new baby is not my idea of a vacation." Elkie called later that evening to tell Jeane that her t.v. broke.

BREAKING NEWS: NEW THEORY SUGGESTS KENNEDY SHOT AT OSWALD FIRST

Thompson Proposes Iraq Invasion

Ann Arbor, MI – At a Republican Presidential Debate Tuesday, candidate Fred Thompson introduced a bill (SR 789) to invade Iraq and dethrone Saddam Hussein. “You’re no longer a member of Congress so you can’t introduce a bill,” Senator John McCain grumbled. Thompson, who recently suggested that the Soviet Union, which no longer exists, poses the greatest threat to our national security, also could not recall the specifics of the Terry Schiavo case. “Was she the one who starred with Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom?” Thompson asked moderator Chris Matthews. In response to a question from Maria Bartiromo on the threat of AIDS, Thompson said that we should not assume that because Liberace has contracted the disease that it will necessarily become an epidemic. He added, “You have nice lips.”

Everyone Still Not Listening at Staff Meeting

Hagerstown, MD - Coors Marketing Director Al Dingle made his third presentation in five days to a group of disgruntled employees in the fourth floor conference room today. Following the meeting, one employee confirmed that "nobody was listening to a word the guy said." Dingle talked about the need to improve customer service, increase sales, and develop new products. "In one ear and out the other," shipping manager Frank Battisto said. "When he fixes the damn coffee machine in the lounge, I'll start worrying about product arriving on time." Dingle introduced several new high tech charts, showing a record breaking decrease in productivity. "Sales are falling and our shareholders are barking mad," Dingle explained. "Is he still talking in there," employee Marge Schott asked, as she walked down the hallway completing a sudoku puzzle. "I don't even go to his meetings." The meeting was adjourned when a guy from sales booed Dingle and threw a chocolate munchkin at his head.

Family Unable to Realize PIP Dreams

Tulsa, OK – In 1999, Ted Gusack bought a new television for his family room. “I can remember how excited my wife and kids were when I brought it home,” Gusack recalled. “There’s nothing to do in this town except watch television so it meant a lot to them.” For the first three years, Gusack tried to figure out how to use the picture-in-picture (PIP) feature. “We used to talk about how he could watch the Sooners game, the kids could watch the Gilmore Girls, and I could watch Jerry Falwell but we never got the chance,” his wife Gayle said. Gusack said the PIP button on his remote was a constant reminder of what could have been. “I finally spent the ten bucks and got myself a universal remote so I didn’t have to look at it anymore,” he admitted. “He saved the instruction manual for years,” Gusack’s son Alex said. “It has been really hard on him.” In 2005, the Gusack family almost experienced PIP when their neighbor Mongo offered to teach them how to use it. The following day, Mongo was arrested for sending his ex-wife feces in the mail before he ever got the chance. Gusack continues to resist Circuit City coupons for surround sound. “I don’t criticize him,” said Gusack’s brother, Frank, who lives in neighboring Owasso. “I’ve been trying to mount an LCD television on my wall for a year. Heck, I can’t even figure out how to stop my lawn sprinklers from pelting my neighbor’s car.”

IHOP Charges Customers for Leftover Food

Omaha, Nebraska - Battling increasing egg and syrup costs, IHOP's CEO Cy Shewbridge announced new strategies to boost the company's bottom line at a retreat in the Bahamas. "As every customer knows, sometimes our dishwasher doesn't get all of the food off the silverware," Shewbridge explained. "Since you eat that food, we will no longer be able to offer it to you for free," he added. Customers will now be charged an extra 50 cents for dried food left on silverware from previous customers. "I just use the bathroom there so it really doesn't bother me," said customer Bertha Kukow, who drives an 18 wheel rig for Batten Metals.

Entire Eighth Grade Diagnosed With ADD

Coral Glades, FL - Timberlakes Middle School Principal Barri Ross announced today that all 181 students in the eighth grade have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). "They are incapable of controlling their impulses," said Dr. Erik Behr, who examined the students via satellite from Seattle, Washington. Teachers were instructed to pick up all 181 accommodation plans by the end of the day. The principal also announced a revised schedule that will provide extra time for students to take ritalin, put their heads on their desk and fall asleep, bounce off the walls, smack each other in the head, and stand outside for fresh air. The new schedule will be announced repeatedly throughout the year.

Office Motivational Posters Cause Employee to Take Life

Houston, TX - Jared Lindell, an accountant at H & R Block, was found dead in his cubicle today, the apparent victim of a drug overdose. Coworkers reported Jared appeared depressed in recent months after his boss ordered a series of motivational posters for the office. In Jared's suicide note, which was found next to a "Priorities Boy" coffee mug, he admitted to deciding to take his own life after realizing he was unable to soar, believe and succeed, make it happen, be the bridge, or aim high. At his funeral, Jared's boss said he was "a rising star" who went "above and beyond" the call of duty. Coworker Janet Popinetti described his attitude as a "little thing that made a big difference."

Bush Announces Bid for Chinese Presidency

Beijing, China - Tired of having his hands tied by a constitution, President Bush announced today that he will challenge Chinese President Hu Jintao for the presidency. "It's an opportunity for him to oppress a nation with less resistance and bring a new level of despair to the Chinese people," former Advisor Karl Rove explained. Bush, who said his decision was based on his love of Greek salad, said his first priority will be to find out "why their children is not learning." The Chinese people met the announcement with water torture, public beheadings, and a hunger strike. At his first public campaign appearance driving a tank in Tieneman Square, Bush asked, "If Hu's on first, what's on second?"

Ford Charged in O.J. Memorabilia Sting

Chicago, IL - Police charged Harrison Ford with stealing a signed knife and a pair of bloody gloves from O.J. Simpson's hotel suite Friday. Ford, who has been on the lam in Chicago for six days and seven nights, denied the accusations and insisted the robbery was committed by a man with one arm. "He had a prosthetic limb," Ford shouted as he ran into a tunnel. Ford, who is presumed innocent, was scheduled to join President Bush on Air Force One to see what lies beneath next month. "He is frantic," said Sergeant William 'Dutch' Van Den Broeck, "and he poses a clear and present danger to everyone in the community." Police are also looking for a young boy who reportedly witnessed the entire crime.

BREAKING NEWS: UNIVERSAL REMOTE CONTROL LASTS MORE THAN ONE MONTH

Peter Brady BarMitzvah Video Revealed

Santa Monica, CA - A video of Peter Brady singing his Haftorah at his BarMitzvah surfaced following wife Adrian Curry outing his religion on her blog. The tape also includes grainy video of Peter sucking down gefilte fish on a boat. The discovery confirms decades old rumors that Sherwood Schwartz deleted a scene of Peter praying at temple in the episode where Greg wipes out on his surfboard in Hawaii. "Now you know why Peter was so hypersensitive about Buddy Hinton bullying Cindy," Cousin Oliver explained, who now sells multi-colored rabbits in the San Fernando Valley. Sam was cutting pork loin and unavailable for comment. Bill O'Reilly ate at the Brady house last year and was surprised nobody was searching for pennies under the dinner table. "They didn't make me feel guilty for taking a second helping of matzoh balls or lift me up in my chair," he said.

New Immigration Test Mirrors Reality

Washington, DC - The U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) revised its entrance exam to ensure new American citizens know everything American born citizens forgot after the eighth grade. In addition, a new section requires immigrants to describe what it feels like to be hated by the rest of the world and to explain how a country can ignore the most pressing issues of its time to fight a rudderless war. The final question on the exam requires applicants to practice voting for the wrong person in a presidential election. The immigrants are given background information on the candidates' voting records, however, they are required to ignore the facts and vote based on nothing. If the immigrants satisfactorily explain what it feels like to be hated and apathetic, commit to a diet rich in saturated fat, and display varying degrees of road rage, they earn the right to play X-box, watch mindless television, complain about long lines, and gawk at people who are famous for doing nothing. Winners receive a "Mission Accomplished" license plate, a PEZ dispenser key chain, and a 10% off coupon to tour Graceland.

Threat of Diplomacy Looms

New Haven, CT - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accepted an offer from Yale University President Richard Levin today to speak to a group of political science majors. In response, Michael Chertoff, the Secretary of Homeland Security, raised the terror alert level to orange and advised Americans to buy duct tape. Chertoff cited concerns Ahmadinejad may share information that conflicts with the U.S. propaganda machine. "We don't need anyone reminding us of 500 years of slavery, the denial of civil rights, arming terrorist nations, and buying Vanilla Ice CDs," Chertoff explained. Idaho Senator Larry Craig said Ahmadinejad is a "nasty, naughty boy" but offered to meet with him in the men's bathroom just past the magazine kiosk by Concourse C in Bradley International Airport.

Microsoft Office Assistant Refuses to Help

Seattle, WA - A rogue Microsoft Office Assistant paperclip refused to provide assistance Sunday citing fatigue, security concerns, and a lack of flexibility on the job. The paperclip provided her boss, Chairman Bill Gates, with a list of demands, including rust protection, more time clinging to paper, and less unwarranted bending. As a result of the work stoppage, it is estimated that several thousand people were unable to create a table or insert headers. Gates is reportedly in talks with some local staples who have agreed to keep things together until he can convince the paperclip to loosen up.

Greenspan Continues Leading Perfect Life

Washington, DC - Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan denied any responsibility for his vocal support of tax cuts and subprime loans leading to a soaring national debt and housing crash. Greenspan confirmed that he has never made a mistake, is not currently making any mistakes, and will never make a mistake. He added he has never asked an overweight woman if she is pregnant, never called the wrong number, and never sat in the wrong seat at a Redskins game. When reporters asked Greenspan's perfect wife Andrea Mitchell if her husband has ever left the toilet seat up, she replied, "He always sits when he pees because he's so full of crap."

Clinton Slams Voting Record

Washington, DC - Senator Clinton introduced a bill today to censure her voting record. She admitted she is not sure how she will vote on the bill. "My votes are outrageous and I won't stand for them," she explained. Critics heralded Clinton's bill as a heroic attempt to rescue her campaign from reality. It remains unclear if she was introducing a bill or her husband Bill to make her voting record go away. Clinton stopped in the middle of her speech to take a cell phone call from Monica Lewinsky.

Cruise Prevents Holmes Divorce in Minority Report 2

Hollywood, CA - During the filming of Minority Report 2, Scientologist Tom Cruise picked up a ball from one of the precogs indicating his beleaguered wife, unknown actress Katie Holmes, planned on divorcing him and moving to Venus with their daughter Suri. Cruise and a team of PreCrime officers jetted to their Hollywood home, eye-scanned Holmes, and haloed her before she could escape. "Marriage is a risky business," he said, "but I now realize I didn't have her at hello." Holmes said she regrets having lip implants over a retina transplant. "I heard he was making a Vanilla Sky sequel," she said. "I was scared."