Washington, DC – U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff told an exhausted American public Tuesday that he has a “gut feeling” that we’re all going to be attacked by terrorists and die. Chertoff admitted that he didn’t have any specific intelligence, something his mother has told him for years, but thought it was time to scare the crap out of all the old people in the country. On Thursday, Chertoff backed off his terrorism prediction and said he has a "gut feeling" that blueberries may be coming down in price. “I’ve been paying about $3.99 for a small pack and people haven’t been buying them. I think a surplus is on the horizon and we could see two for $5.00 within a month. Watch out oatmeal...here come the berries!” he said, as protesters burned him in effigy outside the White House. Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales threatened to fire the manager of the Watergate Safeway if he did not make Chertoff’s prediction come true.
