Beverly Hills, CA - Citing authority granted to him under the Patriot Act, Vice-President Dick Cheney ordered Paris Hilton to be tortured following her release from jail until she discloses her alleged medical condition. Interrogators removed Hilton's hair extensions and cell phone SIM and threw away her favorite cupcakes from Mrs. Beasley's Gourmet. Despite flailing her arms and begging for mercy, the CIA continued to torture the heiress by forcing her to wear underwear and removing her dog Tinkerbell's tiara. After threatening to cancel her DirectTV subscription and return her DVR, Paris finally admitted to suffering from delusions of filming a sex tape in the jail with one of the guards. "I couldn't take not being in the spotlight anymore," she said. "I totally learned my lesson. Like, the next time I come to jail, I'm bringing a video camera."
