Langley, VA – The United States Post Office issued a press release today at 2:42 pm stating that they are raising stamp prices by one cent effective Friday. This is their second announcement of the day. At 9:50 am, they announced they would be raising stamp prices by two cents effective immediately. Americans flooded the streets with “Stop the Fleecing!” signs and hanged the Postmaster General in effigy. Mike Walters, the President of Americans Against Inane and Relentless Stamp Increases, threatened to throw his childhood stamp collection into the Boston Harbor, with the exception of his 1984 Sarajevo Olympic ice skating stamps. “Usually they give us a chance to go out and buy the stamps before they announce another hike and force us all to buy the one cent stamps,” he said. While standing on a three-mile line at her local post office, a customer added, “I just got the one cent stamps and now I have to get two cent stamps to go with the one cent stamps. My husband told me I could just get three cent stamps to go with my 39 cent stamps but I still have 37 cent stamps so I think I’ll get five cent stamps but then I would still be stuck with the 39 cent stamps.” Shortly after speaking with us, the customer pulled out a gun and shot herself in the head. To offset customer complaints, the Post Office handed out free popping paper and Snoopy adhesive labels and announced that they will be issuing a new stamp, called the “Endless Stamp”, which shows a picture of Anna Nicole Smith on the evening news. It can be used for any purpose. In an ironic twist of events, disgruntled customers entered a Post Office on 23rd and H Street in Washington, D.C. and began shooting the mailmen. Police were unable to enter the crime scene. Apparently the doors had been sealed shut with one-cent stamps and the Postmaster General was wrapped with packing tape and stuffed into a FedEx box. The U.S. Post Office issued a statement that to compensate for costs incurred as a result of the attack, they will be raising the price of a first class stamp by one cent effective Monday.
